Learning to live in the calm

I read a fantastic article the other day that really resonated with me.  The writer was referencing how a lot of us have a difficult time living in the calm, therefore we [subconsciously] create our own drama just so we feel something.

Sometimes, life can be too calm and in that calmness, for those of who have been living on high alert for many many years, waiting for other shoe to drop, walking on egg shells, waiting for someone to hurt us, walk out on us or cheat on us, that calm can feel very empty.  This is because the internal fight or flight response has been our only source of fuel.

Calm….feels…scary!  It represents the unknown, it feels weird and unsettling.  We sit…waiting for something to happen and when it doesn’t….we get confused and feel emptiness inside us, which is very confusing to our psyche.

It’s a sad realization when that feeling of empty washes over us.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel empty, we should feel at peace, but we don’t, not yet.  We will, but it takes time and lots of work on ourselves to allow ourselves to be at peace, to fill that emptiness with things that make us happy, to learn to soothe ourselves in that moment of peace that is so foreign to us.

We have spent too much time living in a chaotic and toxic environment under a big black cloud, and that became our norm.  We knew what to expect, we lived it daily….our norm was their anger, cycling of moods, cheating, discontentment, histrionics, alcohol abuse, temper tantrums, lies, secrecy and depression. Our sole job has been to try to manage this person and their moods while trying to succeed at our own lives….job, parenting, keeping the house, paying the bills and trying to keep everyone…happy.

Exhausting and fucking IMPOSSIBLE!

When we finally decided to leave and save ourselves from the madness that we thought we could handle, over time things finally became calm.  Our space becomes peaceful, there is no black cloud there to invade our space, no one rolling their eyes at us and cutting us down, no one angry at our kids just for existing, no one lying to our face while cheating on us behind your back, no one to take you down a notch..just for fun.  No one to blame us for their poor choices.  Its now just…calm.

Although this is amazing, it is also a complete mind fuck.  The peace and space leaves us  feeling empty.  We have no one to manage but ourselves and it is then that we realize how much energy that person stole from us.  Now we have to figure out what to do with all this free time we have now that this emotional vampire has finally moved on to someone else that they can suck the life out of.

So what should we do with this time?  Well….after the initial shock of realizing we have this time, after the confusion subsides, after the haze disappears….we should ENJOY THIS TIME!

Take a class, do yoga, read, rebuild your relationship with your friends, get a pet, start a blog, get involved in your community, join a meet up group, see a therapist, work with a life coach, but whatever we do….we need to enjoy this time of peace.

What we should NOT DO IS FIND ANOTHER SOUL SUCKING TICK.  That would be the easiest thing to do to fill this time we are not used to having, but its the most devastating thing we could do.

It is time to spend some time with ourselves, create a happy place in our homes, start a garden, go hiking, do whatever it takes to find ourselves!

In time, when we feel we know who we are and what we want, and when we are no longer in danger of finding another emotional vampire….only then can we go back out into the world of dating.

We will know when we are ready….and when we are not.

Until then, find you, love you, honor you and complete you…above all else.

Love, peace, light

 

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