Woke Up This Morning and Got Myself a Gun

Via on Feb 17, 2011

It’s been a week of defiant promise breaking which is my not-so-subtle way of telling the universe to go fuck itself.  At 6:00am Monday morning, when the alarm went off–with finally more than a wan suggestion of light in the sky–instead of getting up to work on my book, I defiantly turned the alarm off and rolled over.  I rolled over on Tuesday and Wednesday, too.

Although I have made commitments, I have made green juice a total of zero times this week, run a total of zero times, and had wine every night–not so very much of it but also not the agreement I made with myself.

Basically, I’ve been nursing a disappointment and expressing my vast disapproval with The Way Things Are Right Now by deciding not to keep any of my promises to myself.  In other words–having a temper tantrum and waiting for the universe to take notice.

I am upset about __________ , a thing about which I can do absolutely nothing, and will express my disapproval of The Way Things Are Right Now by willfully not tending to myself, or to my dreams. I mean, have I not demonstrated a significant enough showing of good faith effort?  Have I not behaved myself?  Is it not now time for the universe to put out?

Or else?

Excellent plan, right?  So sound and filled with gangster logic?

The insult to injury is that the mini-rebellion I’ve staged isn’t actually all that satisfying.  It is, in fact, downright unsatisfying.  There is a certain way in which, having made a conscious choice, it becomes impossible to go back to the old unconscious ways. When you begin to grow out of a lifestyle you can’t cram it back on with much success.

It’s not that I feel guilty about breaking my promises, or that I’m in any way more Type A.  More than anything, it’s that I see the futility of my current course of action.

No amount of refusing to wake up in the morning is going to successfully hold a gun to the universe and hijack it into meeting demands. Attempting to coerce reality doesn’t pay the mortgage, doesn’t make him love you more, doesn’t magically get you knocked up, and will not do a single thing for your bad hair.

Attempting to exact reparation from the universe by sabotaging myself is just plain dumb.  It doesn’t work.

“Give me what I want or, as God as my witness, I am going to…to…to turn off this alarm clock! I’m just desperate enough to do it; don’t think for a moment that I won’t.”

Oh, the absurdity. 

I still don’t feel like making the damn juice but shall concede to at least buy one from the juice bar.

I might rough it up a little before I drink it.

For the record the author does not actually own a firearm. Read more of Bernadette’s posts here.

About Bernadette Birney

Bernadette Birney is a dyed-in-the-wool, freedom-loving tantrika. When she’s not busy conquering the world, taking hostages, feverishly freelancing, working on her book, and posting on-line essays, you can find her practicing the art of life-on-purpose, and teaching in Connecticut. / Bernadette has had the good fortune of studying with the great ones: she’s a certified Anusara yoga instructor, and has long pestered her Rajanaka Yoga mentor, Douglas Brooks. Known for her poetic and precise articulation, she insists that you can maintain a hard-core yoga practice and a sense of humor, too. Her classes, immersions and trainings are steeped in a life affirming philosophy that will invite you into the exploration of your own potential. / Bernadette was one of the earliest Certified Anusara yoga instructors in CT, and continues to mentor the local teaching community, leading trainings and retreats. She has contributed to Yoga Journal, Fit Yoga, Elephant Journal and Srividyalaya Amrta. She is also a Lululemon ambassador, and the author of the quirky, award-winning blog berniebirney.com .

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8 Responses to “Woke Up This Morning and Got Myself a Gun”

  1. Shawna Turner shawna says:

    How could I pass by an article that tells the "universe to go fuck itself" within the first sentence.

    It's funny the deals we make and break with ourselves and the way we want to "stick it" it someone, anyone, THE one.

    I like your style Bernadette Birney.

  2. Diana Mercer diana says:

    This story reminds me of myself on the days when I need to get the hell out of my own way.

    • Totally, Diana. That was sort of my point. It's such a human thing to do, to not be great at getting out of our own way, but the more we realize we're doing it the more we can make the choice to cut it the hell out.

  3. Tobye Hillier yogi tobye says:

    Yeah, I tend to not do the dishes for a week in protest…. and shouting things like "how d'ya like those beans, huh!!" or flipping the bird at no one in particular…

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