All I Really Need is a Good F**k & Someone to Pick Me Up at the Airport.

Via on Mar 24, 2011

I’m single for the first time in 25 years.

Bonus: The Best Marriage Advice from a Divorced Man.

I now see that most of the things I wanted from my relationships are actually things I can do for myself. After my divorce two years ago, I panicked at the idea of setting up my own Wi-fi system, cleaning the gutters, and finding help moving furniture.

The truth is that doing these things, or getting help doing them, has been easy.

Even hiring a handyman to fix the occasional faucet leak has been far less expensive than staying in my tragically outworn relationships. Single for the first time since I was seventeen, I suddenly realize that I need just two things from a partner: a slow, deeply connected, open-hearted, rapturous f*ck, and someone to pick me up at the airport.

Of course when my plane arrives I could catch a bus—or even hire a car service if it’s that important to me (and for some reason it is). But in this one case I love to be met by someone who is genuinely ecstatic to see me. It’s really the same thing as the f*ck. I can do it myself, and that’s fine and all. But there is something about being done”by the apple of your eye that’s, well, different.

Accepting that there are only two things I am missing by being alone takes the pressure off of getting into another relationship. I can make the money that I want, I can set up my own Wi-fi (as it turns out), I can get deeply restorative massages from people who actually want to give them, and I can dine and dance with friends who don’t stand me up 50% of the time. Realizing that I am pretty self-sufficient even softens the blow of losing my last rapturous relationship. In fact, it makes me take another hard look at why I stayed so long through the rollercoaster of ups and downs.

And there were a lot of downs.

Don’t get me wrong; the sex and airport pickups were often so good that every other problem paled in comparison. That was why it was so hard to leave, actually. But now, in the light of day, I realize that missing these two things is surprisingly manageable—and more than worth what I had to give up to get them. In fact, I haven’t lost the love of my life; I am not lonely; and I am certainly not abandoned without resources. Actually, it’s just the opposite. I have gained everything that I lost by being in relationship.

So as I imagine my next rapturous rendezvous, I realize that it could be quite different. It could be free of a lot of baggage—free of being a reference point for my sense of self and security, my fulfillment, and my whole future. I now envision a relationship in which I look deeply into my beloved’s eyes and say sincerely, “Dearest, I adore you, and I don’t need anything from you. Except two things…”

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About Kristin Luce

Kristin Luce is slowly going sane by using her actual life and relationships to wake up. Her quest for truth has led her through a B.A. in Philosophy, an M.A. in Buddhist Psychology, intensive retreat practice, certification as a Meditation Instructor, two life-changing relationships and two life-changing kids. She now provides in-depth coaching for individuals and couples who want profound and dramatic transformation. An avid writer, she has been featured in such publications as Mothering Magazine and The Buddhadharma, and is a regular contributor to elephant journal. Friend her on Facebook, Twitter, her website or contact her at info@kristinluce.com.

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111 Responses to “All I Really Need is a Good F**k & Someone to Pick Me Up at the Airport.”

  1. Don says:

    after reading that I will love my wife evan more!

  2. John says:

    This is an awesome article. Still has me thinking. Is what I think I want what I really want, or is it something I adopted from this crazy world ?

  3. [...] Researchers conducted a study to determine what effect, if any, oral contraceptives have on female libido. [...]

  4. [...] in our relationship, my last boyfriend confessed that he wasn’t sure whether he could be with me because, frankly, he thought he was [...]

  5. Susan says:

    I think I wrote this article! LOVE it. My thoughts, exactly!

  6. [...] take risks. Don’t love anyone. Don’t speak your mind. Stay in a job you hate. Stay in a relationship that hurts. It’s easier to stay than to go, but it will cost you dearly. Playing it safe has the added [...]

  7. Sharna says:

    Sounds liberating and interesting. The language doesn’t sound very in line with what I would expect to hear from someone who has studies buddhist psychology though.

  8. catnipkiss says:

    so you wrote this almost a year ago, tell me , have you found that person yet? Curious minds want to know!!!! – Alexa M.

  9. miz ang says:

    I am certain i have said the exact same words before soul sista!’m with you…we can do our lives just fine on our own should we be…Also,i’m for not wiping pee off the bowl, re-washing dishes or having to share the bed all the time! thanks for putting out such frank and hu-woman stuff.
    A

  10. Drupadi says:

    Hi Kristin, you seem to love the word rapturous :) you say that a lot :)
    from the point of view of a girl who has been single for quite some time I totally get it.
    and it's true, sometimes there's so much to gain by 'losing a rapturous relationship' as you put it :)

  11. ommazingspaceyoga says:

    That is so true! Love it!

  12. kevin says:

    I would be glad to oblige :-)
    Its refreshing not to see the truth hidden behind words of desperation.

  13. jimpeake592 says:

    Come to Boston and I'll pick you up at the airport! ;-)

  14. elizabeth says:

    When I was contemplating my divorce, I couldn't leave because of the heavy furniture.. (how would I move it???), and the fact that my car was always breaking down, and my husband would rescue me. My therapist told me .. "It's cheaper to call AAA."
    Two Men and A Truck, and AAA.
    I LOVE your article. LOVE it.

    • KristinSLuce says:

      EXACTLY! I have been astonished to see how common this thinking is, especially among women (and obviously myself). Two Men and a Truck has been fabulous for me, btw. Totally helpful, worth money and no strings attached.

  15. emb says:

    So glad this came up in my newsfeed today. Just what I needed to hear as I navigate through "discussions" with a loved one. Thank you.

  16. lisab says:

    That you know you can be alone and not be lonely is lovely. Loving and liking yourself is important. Be your biggest fan. Awesome! However, I could've done without the glib attitude towards love, sex, etc. These things are pretty darn important and pivotal to our well being. Babies who aren't held (even if fed, changed, etc.) will die. Humans need other humans. Granted that doesn't mean it has to be in a sexual way, but sex is nonetheless a very spiritual and soul nourishing thing. At least it can and should be. Orgasms are cheap. Being vulnerable enough to achieve real intimacy… that's a miracle.

    • KristinSLuce says:

      Thanks, Lisa. Yes, it is a humorous piece and not intended to advocate for cheap sex. What's both illuminating and funny to me is looking at the extreme opposite of what I had been doing. Also, I do say (and mean) a deep and open-hearted f*ck. That could never fall into the "cheap sex" category for me; it would have to include vulnerability and intimacy or it would be missing on both counts. Thank you for your comment!

  17. Ken says:

    I am not sure what is most disturbing: female celebration of using a man for sex and services or the demographic celebrating it. If it were a man celebrating using a woman for sex and services, especially on the tail of picking an incompatible partner and/or being utterly lacking in intimacy skills, he would be skewered. But a woman? Not that. Instead, it's loved. My daughter is correct: people do not build real relationships any more. it is me who is the anachronism.

    • KristinSLuce says:

      The analogy you suggest (of a man posting a similar response to relationships) would have to be quite different actually—and to compare them as though they are the same is a mistake. A man would need to embrace the opposite of the stereotype, as I do in the article—meaning that he would have to contemplate something like "All I Really Want is a Deeply Committed Relationship And to Please My Partner at My Own Expense."

      The article is not about using men for sex and service, rather it is a humorous piece about women facing the reality of what we are trading in the hopes of getting exactly those things. What if we didn't need you? But maybe wanted you. That would be a game-changer, and that's what I am about.

  18. Crystal D says:

    I totally get what you are writing here, and found it uplifting and humorous! Thanks!

    It can be very difficult being a single female adult, people are always coming at me trying to “fix my situation”, meanwhile I am finding so much freedom and passion in life when I can be moved by my own desires. Bad relationships for women tend to often be suppressive in nature I find, and when we break up people often respond by giving negative cautionary statements. I refuse to listen to negativity from people anymore about my biological clock or aging beauty or whatever. It’s my life to live, and I don’t regret following my heart.

    And as for the f***ing, it’s a 2 way street with your partner, so you get out of it what you choose to. Nothing wrong with ravenous passionate intimacy or cheap sex. And for those of you that are married (or otherwise) who find this statement offensive, id like to say this is a personal choice, and you’ve already made yours.

    Thank you for your article!!

    • KristinSLuce says:

      No problem here with the two-way street: meaning being available for both a "slow, deeply connected, open-hearted, rapturous f*ck" and picking up at the airport (and totally delighted to see them). I'm not sure what cheap sex is but I seem to love and advocate for the deep intimacy kind. Thanks, Crystal!

  19. Matthew says:

    Good article. I agree. Except all I really need is a ride to the airport. I'll pass on that other.

  20. Stasa says:

    This is just amazing :). In addition to those 2 things, I have realized that I need an additional one – loving text message waking me up every morning :).

  21. Dhyan says:

    such a delightful read! :-)

  22. yes ! my thoughts exactly !

  23. tjief says:

    Great post.
    However, being an ESL person – what does this term mean: "being done" by the apple of your eye ?

    • KristinSLuce says:

      When someone you adore (the apple of your eye) takes the strong lead in sexually loving and arousing you (being done).

  24. Goldie says:

    This is spot on. Pun intended…

  25. Sparky says:

    I'll pick you up at SFO any day, or night..

  26. loriinthesky says:

    this is so, so wonderful.

  27. Nicole says:

    First – I do think the title is fabulous, however…

    I feel that articles like this diminish the depth of a true partnership and all of its incredible magic.

    It's ok to want it all, and have it all…….people become afraid of not receiving what they need and begin to develop an almost unhealthy sense of independence. Sure, if you must, if I must, we can all do it all alone……..but is that what we really desire? To be in a partnership, yet, do most of it alone?

    "Can" is one thing…desire, and need are others. And nature….its our nature to come together, to uplift one another, and no, we do not NEED it, but that is the whole point…to LEARN how to be together, in all forms of relationship. This hyper independence stuff just doesn't fully appeal ………………is that really what we want? more separation? I think we need more connection…the kind that is grounded, unafraid and genuine…and that makes us even better versions of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that. We are human, and we are here together for a reason.

  28. Arthur says:

    This reminds me that when I started paying my x-GF for sex our relationship became the best it ever was. Somehow it seems like the same thing here.

  29. Bitsy says:

    This is exactly how I feel, too!!!

  30. Neil says:

    'Even hiring a handyman to fix the occasional faucet leak …' http://www.fifer.info

  31. Grateful2be says:

    As a divorced woman this last year,after 20 years of a very challenging marriage, this was JUST what I needed to read today. Thank you!

  32. Jenna B Wiser says:

    Awesome article!!! I want these two things too!!

  33. Mims says:

    Me too!

  34. Tara says:

    Having just left a controlling marriage where I lost myself… such a perfect read…. a good little chuckle and a lot of ah hahs! Thank you!!! :) x

  35. AJ says:

    It’s SUPERNICE to hear that some women could want to enjoy sex without trying to get me to wed them for life- and this article is a joy to read. But I’ll check my self next time I want to lay my life down for someone who doesn’t appreciate but two things.. ;)

  36. Ninon says:

    Absolutely spot on – became single at the age of 55 having never lived alone in my life. Six years later – I am content and just finished fixing a clogged drain and tightened up all my cabinet knobs. I hire out the big stuff. Your title – perfect!

  37. kristinalicia72 says:

    AMEN SISTER!!!

  38. Amy E says:

    If only! Tempting to think about.

  39. KristinSLuce says:

    So true. And, thank you! (It isn't loseable) :-)

  40. KristinSLuce says:

    Thank you for your comment! What you may not see is that this article, coming from a woman, is actually about letting go of control. I was much more controlling when I wanted "love and commitment" from a man. And, of course, this piece is largely an over-compensating "tongue-in-cheek" look at the reverse of what it is to be a woman (me) obsessed by being in relationship.

    In fact, I continue to be deeply connected to my friends and sweethearts. If I were only looking for a "good time" this piece would be meaningless. What makes the point rich is that it is, in fact, written by a woman, one who has devoted 21 some years to her relationship. My problem has actually been the opposite (as is true for many women). We are afraid to lead a life on our own and fear what being alone might mean about our self worth. Being able to set up my Wi-fi and meet my own sexual needs without a partner is something that boys may learn as early as 16 years old, for me it wasn't until I hit 40. I have two daughters myself, so I hear where you are coming from. I think that worrying about young women becoming too focussed with just getting a "blowjob" (ie their own sexual gratifications met) is not our biggest problem. For women, it is often about finding their power and dignity independent of relationship (and thereby being genuinely available for it.) That is why this had to be written by a woman.

    I am (very) open to your response! (and thanks)…

  41. KristinSLuce says:

    What's funny to me is how many readers take this article to mean that I am promiscuous and/or am advocating promiscuity. Actually, although there is certainly some truth for me in this humorous piece, I am hopelessly monogamous. I have just learned to maintain my independence and self-sufficiency while relating to others (especially my sweetheart). Paradoxically this allows for a more authentic, profound and intimate relationship, since it is not based on neurotic neediness. So, no seducing someone else partner for me! Thanks for you post :)

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