Even When You’re Happy, You’re Miserable. And You Don’t Have To Be. ~ Charles Bukowski.
~ by Alli Barocas ~
Photo: Incase
At this time in my life (as ever), no piece of work has spoken to me more:
no help for that / Charles Bukowski
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filleda space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
timeswe will know it
we will know it
more than
everthere is a place in the heart that
will never be filledand
we will wait
and
waitin that
space.~ You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense, 1986
And isn’t this the truth? The space haunts me. It follows me around wherever I go, no matter who I’m with, at any given moment. At the darkest moments, it feels like a gaping hole in my small universe. At other times, the space is shallow, but it’s never full.
This space is chronic discontent, not be confused with unhappiness or depression. It is restlessness, a longing for more. It’s fidgeting, constantly going and moving and talking and thinking. For me, it is a fear of never feeling complete or always feeling alone in the world.
Photo: SpaceShoe
I have never been comfortable in this space. So, I have always tried to fill it. I have filled it with yoga. I have filled it with partying. I have tried to cover it up with romantic relationships, friendships and work.
But even in the best of times, times when I should feel like I have it all, there is a glint of something missing…
I have always thought that I just wasn’t occupying the space with the right things. But, I realize now, the space can never be filled.
As Bukowski writes, there is no help for that. The space will always be with us. What I need to do is learn to accept it and face the insecurity, rather than fill it.
The space is not supposed to take us over. It is there to remind us that there is more and there will always be more. It is our motivation to continue searching for those things and people that keep the space small. And there is nothing wrong with that faint indication of longing…
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Allison Barocas is an undergraduate Senior at the University of Colorado at Boulder, majoring in environmental studies and currently interning with elephant journal. Allison was born and raised on Long Island, New York and completed high school in Knoxville, Tennessee. She loves to spend her free time outdoors, going to concerts, running around Denver and traveling.
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Sounds like dysthymia. Check out The Half Empty Heart.
We can be lonely and sad and slightly empty in a good way…doesn't have to be labeled a disease. It's called human nature, and it's not only okay, it's delightful. ~ Waylon
Buddhism on love, loneliness: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2009/02/chogyam-tr…
Dysthymia is chronic depression. And it's often associated with other long term medical problems. I can't say whether or not that was something Bukowski was dealing with, he was a long time drinker. However, I did not in my article that chronic discontent should not be confused with depression or unhappiness. Thanks for the comment, though.
sorry, note*
Beautiful. This makes me not mope around and feel sorry for myself! It is sometimes comforting to know that others have the same problems I do!
Please don't take Bukowski as a teacher. Great poet yes, but life skills teacher, no.
The space you speak of sounds like a sense of emptiness, which i believe relates (on a very deep, subconscious level), to self-esteem. I can help with that – U can check out my website and email me if you're interested.
Ben Ralston
I disagree, friend…not with taking B as a teacher, hah, I'm with you on that generally…but the space is a healthy thing, if we can relax with it. At least according to my experience, and the Buddhist teachings I've studied a bit. ~ Waylon
Way, I wrote a long reply to this which turned into a blog – here, if you didn't already read it: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/the-emptin…
This is a great article! I believe it to be true that everyone has a certain amount of longing and that’s what drives them to continue dreaming and living out those dreams. Its when you have everything you could ever dream of such as fame or fortune or true love that the true depression can set in because that longing and discontent is still there- then you realize its a permanent void. Its my dream to live an unchained life and even when I attain my dreams to feel at one with that void – to make friends with that void and not to see it as the enemy.
Tracy, you may find this interesting and or helpful: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/the-emptin…
Do you really believe this to be true ? I have been thinking about this feeling a lot lately – I have tried to fill that space with lots of things and none of them have worked and was now thinking that it was because of being unfulfilled in not finding the right partner or the right creative outlet or the right place to live ….the restlessness as a feeling has been described to me by my best friend but I call it fear of being alone forever…not being understood by anyone or loved completely for who I am …do you really think this is true?
I hear you Martha.. and I really think this is true
This place of longing or the hole or however we perceive it, it's also a gateway. And I think a lot of us are trying to fill it with drugs and stuff or even depression but it also always holds this promise for something else and more. And there are times where we get a glimpse of that something else and suddenly the place feels so very different. And we still wait but we wait with a faint idea of what we're hoping for. … Something like that.
Buddhism talks about this space a lot. The good news is that if you /we /I can become comfortable with that space, gap, loneliness, broken heart…that's where we find empathy with others, joy, true love…space makes communication with the world possible. Otherwise we're solid, brittle, full of ourselves…and reality can't come in and love can't go out. ~ Waylon
Love this comment
Also, I love this article. Really needed both of these today.
#
Jennifer Raine Kostel Finally there are words that describe the restlessness!
It's about accepting where you are…the uneventful moments usually bring the most clarity.
“My heart is restless, O God, until it rests in Thee” -Saint Augustine.
I think you hit the nail on the head Marina…the space is not a void, but it is an emptiness which will only find satisfaction through a re-establishment of one's connection with the Divine…and your quote from Saint Augustine just goes to show that it doesn't matter what tradition one chooses to approach the solution from…Hare Krishna.
The space is absolutely Not a sign of depression – it is there waiting for Investigation. If you have awareness of it you should consider yourself fortunate – as so much of the misery of this world stems from our collective subconscious craving to fill this unfillable void.
It appears to be a void from the illusory perspective of our sensed individuality, but it is built into our egoic experience as the portal to the universal or unitive awareness which is our real nature and our birthright. We can keep on ignoring it as long as we like, but to do so is to live a partial and much smaller life than we are capable of.
I have never encountered a contemplative tradition that wasn't saying just this. Buddhist and Vedantic Hindu traditions seem to have an easier time elaborating of this without relying on deity to paint the picture.
“
When you awaken your heart in this way [through meditation], you find, to your surprise, that your heart is empty. You find that you are looking into outer space. What are you, who are you, where is your heart? If you really look, you won’t find anything tangible and solid. Of course, you might find something very solid if you have a grudge against someone or you have fallen possessively in love. But that is not awakened heart. If you search for awakened heart, if you put your hand through your rib cage and feel for it, there is nothing there except for tenderness. You feel sore and soft, and if you open your eyes to the rest of the world, you feel tremendous sadness. This kind of sadness doesn’t come from being mistreated. You don’t feel sad because someone has insulated you or because you feel impoverished. Rather, this experience of sadness in unconditioned. It occurs because your heart is completely exposed. There is not skin or tissue covering it; it is pure raw meat. Even if a tiny mosquito lands on it, you feel so touched. Your experience is raw and tender and so personal. …
For the warrior, this experience of sad and tender heart is what gives birth to fearlessness. Conventionally, being fearless means that you are not afraid or that, if someone hits you, you will hit him back. However, we are not talking about that street-fighter level of fearlessness. Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness…You are willing to open up, without resistance or shyness, and face the world.
”
— Chogyam Trungpa, “Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior”
People, it's a poem.
Agreed. I wasn't concerned with the poem, which is fab.
Beautiful. I hadn't read that poem from Bukowski before.
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Love the article…and the idea of the ‘space’ within us.
I think this longing is in all of us in varying degrees, I have heard it called a longing to go ‘home’ (heaven), or that it is a longing for union with God.
I have also heard it called a longing to love oneself, and that at its root is the need to love oneself more.
I have heard it called the longing for more inner peace, and that it is gone when we achieve supreme inner peace.
Either way, I think maybe it’s something we all grapple with…and when it spins out of control it becomes depression.
The trick is to use this space for our own good, growth and expansion. To create through it, make art, make yoga, sit in silence, learn to love ourselves more, commune with Spirit, and anything else that makes that space within us more full of light rather than sad longing.
Thanks for a great article!
I think this is beautiful and I am sure there are a lot of people who can relate to this. I know I can and it has helped me today, thank you. It reminds people to sit with their emotions, don't fight them.
All these thoughts are those that propelled me onto the path… the longing for more to life, feeling like even though you have it all, nothing is filling that void in your heart, the longing for feeling full of life. The sensation that something is missing is the start of the awareness that we need to search in ourselves, rather than outside, for fulfillment.
i am old and spacious. i have known it all, held it all. there was always room for more.
others have peered into me and some have stayed awhile, comfortable with the ambiance.
now i worry. what happens when no one comes in?
so i redecorate.
so far, so good.
I'm reading my own writing a year later and amazed that almost to the day I am sitting here reading this page again. I was dreaming anxious things and made myself stop. I thought I'd go look for something soothing on the web. I found myself here. That's pretty damn cool.
This article makes me feel relieved that I'm not the only one who feels that space! Thank you so much. I love this, and I love all of the comments.
Thank You, I really appreciate the comment. Writing it I was still under the impression that I was the only one feeling this space. Turns out I was wrong, and that's great.
[...] common experience that the mind will naturally stay concentrated on anything that provides it with peace and contentment; this is an inherent capacity of the mind, so no training or practices of concentration are [...]
I think that the aspiring heart (a.k.a. buddhi mind in buddhism) will always be in a state of discontent.
The only exception is when the aspiring heart becomes jivanmukti (liberated while mortal) or when you are dead.
In any case, death will liberate a being from needing to have anything to do with mortal longings and basic needs.
[...] much as I tried, I couldn’t seem to fill the space. There was a part of me that thought to myself, It’s so small; don’t concern yourself [...]
[...] common experience that the mind will naturally stay concentrated on anything that provides it with peace and contentment; this is an inherent capacity of the mind, so no training or practices of concentration are [...]