Maybe We Need to Ease Up on Our Men.
I hear these questions in every circle and I’m betting you do too:
What’s wrong with men?
Why can’t they shoot straight?
Why can’t they communicate?
Communication issues between the sexes are as alive and well right now as they were in the 1950′s. We complain that our men are shut down in one breath, and complain they’re are too emotional in the next.
I live in Boulder, Colorado, where a man is as likely to have a yoga mat in the back of his truck as his mountain bike. While yoga may open their hips and allow their minds to clear, there are still many guarded and wounded hearts in those classes.
Most men I know have been wounded deeply and are struggling to make sense of the female species.
Here’s a great example of the male mystery: While walking my dog, I met a boy in his teens on a skateboard. His eyes were clear as they met mine and we engaged in a friendly chat. He was open and unguarded until my dog approached, sharing with me that he once had a dog that looked like mine and was forced to give her away.
In that moment, his face clouded, his eyes dimmed and the pain he carried was noticeable. His body language changed and his friendliness ceased.
My mouth hung open as he walked away without saying goodbye, and I realized I had just witnessed a clue as to why many men seem shut down.
Like many of us, men are wounded early.
The difference?
Men are often forced to “buck up” and stuff their emotions rather than expressing them. Think about it: peers usually ostracize a crying boy over the age of 11.
Often juggling his ever-changing role with mom, he naturally starts to bond with dad and old rules from prior generations are passed on yet again. As years go by, his sweet and tender heart is protected with each new wound; no outlet for emotions available.
Most women regardless of their dysfunctional childhood, grow up and find comfort through female friendships; it’s considered normal to cry and vent, express emotion, and fall apart when needed.
Men aren’t naturally encouraged to release their pain and express their hurt, so to survive, they add armor to their hearts and stand guarded against pain.
While we find comfort in our female friendships, a man’s only source of physical comfort is usually sex. Hmmm…kind of makes you think doesn’t it? Does this mean we should hug and hold our new male friends often, thus delaying the pressure to have sex too soon?
Do men reach across the bed for sex when what they’re really seeking is comfort?
What most men can’t explain, is that their ambiguous actions are merely there to protect a tender heart from rejection.
Women agree that witnessing an empowered man opening his heart, despite his wounding, and putting it all out there in a vulnerable way – is sexy.
Sexy, but not easy..
Most men have been shamed in the past for asking for what they want. They’ve been shamed for wanting sex, shamed for feeling attraction and shamed for their vulnerability.
It’s an uneasy playing field out there, actually a mine field when you think about it.
Take a woman wounded by an aggressive man and have her approached by a man openly asking for what he wants and she may cower and run. Makes you realize that the next woman he approaches may experience him as a man that dances around what he wants and is now afraid to ask openly. What a conundrum eh?
Women are wounded and afraid to trust. Men are wounded and afraid to open.
There is no safety net when it comes to changing paradigms.
So what can we do?
- We can keep our mouths closed a little longer when they talk to us.
Bantering with girlfriends and talking over one another is common behavior when we gather together; but a man’s sharing is a different process. Men don’t jump from subject to subject, their brains are wired differently.
It’s not that they don’t want to share with us, it’s that they don’t know how, and often when they try to, we jump in and interrupt their flow.
- We can have patience. Realizing that a closed down reaction during a fight is most likely embarrassment and pain as our men realize they’ve disappointed us.
- We can count to 10 in our heads when they stop talking and give them a chance to speak again because 9 out of 10 times, they will.
- Most importantly we can remember that our man is not going to be like our female friends.
Even if we successfully change them, chances are we won’t be attracted to them anymore.
By learning to decipher what appears to be shut down and angry behavior as deep wounding; we find the patience needed to speak a different language with our men.
Treating our men as we do our female friends is like walking into a French pastry shop to order something in Cantonese and getting angry when we’re not understood.
Men aren’t that difficult, they just requires a different language.
freedigitalphotos.net dancer by Graur Codrin, armor from Salvatore Vuono, wolf by Evgeni Dinev, yoga man from OmLight Photography, man from www.123rf.com
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dead on tamara – what an insightful article!
Thank you so much. Would you stumble it for me? If I do it, it looks like spam.
Lovely piece Tamara. Yes, it's not easy being a man. But hang on, it's not easy being a woman is it?!
Thank you Ben. Great point and yes you're right.
I would not change places with you guys though..
I've never heard a woman so clearly express not wanting to be a man. Amazing… and wonderfully honest given the world we live in (i.e. as if we live in a "man's" world). Great article, Tamara.
Thanks Tamara! Really insightful. I really think you are spot on with your point – women have trouble trusting and men have trouble opening up.
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Tanya Lee Markul, Assoc. Yoga Editor
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Thank you Tanya and thanks for plugging my piece!
Hi Tamara, I liked your post. Funny coincidence to read about a lone wolf, I just posted http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/the-battle… and earlier I wrote "12 Things Every Guy Should Master to Become a Real Man" for EJ. We seem to be on same wavelength.
I would like to share a personal experience:
Women don't want a man that is in touch with his feelings. It ruins the whole paradigm. An empowered man is often way too confrontational. Before you know it he enters the "exclusively female" realm of feelings and discovers that the women who spend a lot of time complaining about men are actually not in touch with their own feelings. It spoils the game of self-pity and takes away the illusion of emotional superiority.
An empowered man or woman is sexy but intimidating too. Just saying.
Great post and an important topic. thanks.
Thanks Frank. Please pass along.
Thanks, Tamara. This is so true. And so worth it in the end. A little (or a lot, I suppose) of pain is worth the joy we can find on the other side if we are true to ourselves.
100%!
It's not just straight men…gay men do this too.
and with two guys in a relationship, there's a huge learning curve to accept that neither communicates while wondering how a same-sex relationship is supposed to behave using the traditional model we grew up to understand with our opposite-sex parents
Great idea for a blog Dave. I double dare you! So true.
My apologies Zee, I should have mentioned that, absolutely true!
Yes! I'm so glad to see this article. I always point out, when the "men are so…" comments start to come up in conversation, that we women are as much a cause of that mentality as the men are. Both sides have to be willing to play the game for the roles to stay in place. Hopefully as the power dynamic begins to even out, the focus can shift to healing wounds and letting everyone live and be their true Selves.
amen sister!~
loved this article. you hit it dead on
Awesome article. Thank you!
Thank you Andrew
Leaving the mental and emotional health aside for the moment, my experience is that the kind of guys who open up easily, who express emotions freely, have a much harder time attracting women. Women want a man who is a mystery, who has a tough exterior and a core of vulnerability that women can only see rarely, and with great effort.
Opening up and letting it all out kills your sex life.
Bringing emotional well-being back into it, it falls to each man to decide what would be better for him long-term – emotional expression or sex and intimacy.
hmmm, not sure if this is a woman or a man~Odds, I think when 2 grown ups meet each other, have done the work to grow up, and drop the masks so they act authentic, it comes down to chemistry. Women that want the tough exterior are looking for roles to play out. We want authentic. If you're tough, be tough, but show us your heart. As a woman I can tell you that is what we want. Empowered, available, in touch with their heart, men! :-O Sex, intimacy and emotional expression are not exclusive to one another. xo Thanks for reading!
Thank you so much Bob!
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Bob W. Yoga Editor
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Thank you Bob. I reworked an old one, really need to get on the writing train!! maybe it's the heat!
So Joe, are you in a successful longterm relationship? I'm curious. True point on dads these days, sadly true. Thanks for reading and for commenting!
Having been in a 26 year relationship I have no clue on dating anymore. The basic layout looks the same but there has been a shift, as I see it men are portrayed in the media as a somewhat buffoonish bumbler that can't get anything right., television ads seem to be the worst. As for yogi tobye its up to each of us to use that gut instinct once in awhile to actually tell us if the conditions were/are right.
Women often say they want that empowered enlightened guy, but do they really? You know that sensitive dude that will hold you when you cry kinda person. But do women want a guy who will cry in return? will they hold him through a cathartic time? My wife Anne is such a woman and its privilege to know and be with her…
As for me at the age of 50 I wouldnt care to be dating in this atmosphere. Life is now settled since all 4 boys/men are grown and persuing the world. Each one of the aforementioned young men all know that I love em, the reason you ask? Because in our telephone calls I tell each of them and have done so all their lives. We also taught them responsibility for themselves and what they say or do.
So Love will be the deciding factor in a much better start to life….
Bill, you sound like a wonderful man. Your wife Anne is a lucky woman. Thanks for reading!
[...] http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/maybe-we-need-to-ease-up-on-our-men/ [...]
[...] Maybe We Need to Ease Up on Our Men. [...]
As much as I enjoyed reading this, by the second paragraph i found myself thinking 'this article was obviously written by a woman'. My experience (which, to a certain extent supports the thesis of the article) is that if a man attempted to write about the emotional challenges women face he would be labelled patronising.
Of course, to misquote Osho 'you hurt the world as much when you take offense as when you give it' and it's clear that the author's intention is to open the door to a discussion about how to support more authentic communication between the sexes …. something that begins by inviting genuine discourse and asking quality questions rather than presuming that we have the answers.
There is no question that we live in a world that, generally, does not support 'not knowing' – the kind of stumbling through our humanity that arises from the willingness to be naked in each other's presence. I have no idea how to support that, other than to keep casting myself into the abyss.
I honestly don't understand the archetypal woman, but I find that simply listening with an awareness of my own internal dialogue supports me in knowing, very specifically, the very specific woman I am in communication with.
Accepting that I'm likely to get hurt is just part of the territory of being human. It has absolutely nothing to do with my gender.
[...] Maybe We Need to Ease Up on Our Men. [...]
I'm as confused as any about the male/female thing. However, in my last relationship I was very open for 5 years and he remained guarded. I finally broke it off and it was only after I'd moved – sincerely- on that he seemed interested again! Huh? Nice post, thanks!
[...] a bad day, or someone was unkind or unfair to them. Shocking! I know! There’s often, of course, a breakdown in communication on both sides as to how we show or mask our pain, but the pain still exists. And pain is something that, universally, people feel to the same [...]
Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I wish to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and actual effort to make an excellent article… however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and under no circumstances seem to get one thing done.
This is a timely article.. My partner became someone I didn't know and, after a series of increasingly crazy and dishonouring behaviour, just walked away from us. No rhyme no reason.
She's just had a song written to her on the guitar but she'll never hear it. No one will.
There seems to be a sense of entitlement from women when it comes to a man 'sharing' his feelings.
I'm empowered, and emotionally aware but sorry, i've been around, so you have to earn it.
And with each experience the bar gets higher.
Ultimately, Tamara, it isn't what you want anyway. Seriously it isn't.
To think so is to have watched too many hollywood rom-coms.
It's what you think you want. But when you get it, everything changes and it kills the attraction. It may be deliciously sexy at the time, but after that, where do you go?
To say a real man can be open with his woman is best countered with a wise women will understand he is better to be a mystery. The little girl only cheats herself by sneaking a peak at the presents before her birthday.
About men and sex. We seek the freedom of nothingness that is found in all-consuming passionate primal sex.
The mystery gets his fix of nothingness…
Having come full circle (no pun), it would seem that not sharing is better for all involved. You get your mystery, I get my nothingness.
I am curious too. Trying to apply logic will drive you crazy though. I have heard it termed the deadly "friends zone" and has sometime to do with playing "hard to get". I am not of fan, but what I know does not work is straight up telling a women you really like her and lets get to know each other.
"Do not apply logic" sounds like a warning sticker that Tobye's date should have worn on her clothes.
Brilliant!! Lol
Thanks Aurora~
so sorry you had that experience. I have discovered you can do one of 2 things after any experience… you can put yourself out there or not. I too have had similar experiences and have been the calloused one too (not too proud). have not dated in a few years now and have discovered many things… I have chosen not to put myself out there for multi layered reasons. some healthy… some not. I am at peace with 'it is what it is' and continue in my journey content in knowing it is all happening for a reason. I guess I am saying stay open… why did you bring this situation to you… you did you know. as we all bring everything to us that occurs in our lives. we can learn from them or not… apparently I still have something to learn… I am open to that and at peace being alone … for now. all my love to you in your journey. Cindy
Haha, don't worry!
But you are saying something very important: grown up women that have done the work to grow up like similar men. I feel it goes for men and women: a partner that is emotionally ahead of us on the path can and will be a source of insecurity, inferiority and imbalance. Not many people are up for that.