5 Ways to Make a Man Feel Really Loved. ~ Damien Bohler

Via Damien Bohleron Sep 29, 2013


relephant: Why Your man Needs to feel Needed. 

Below is a list of ways that a woman can really touch a deep place within me.

While I am only speaking for myself and not all men, I have a feeling that at least some—if not most—of this will be pretty universal.

A woman who cares about me enough to pay attention in the way I outline below is where I want to be. I’m just another human being wanting to know that I am safe, that I am appreciated and loved for who I am, that I am welcome and wanted on this planet to share my gifts and give my own love.

1. Get to know me.

One of the most beautiful gifts I have discovered that I am able to give another is my full presence. To listen and observe and show them that I see them, really see them and appreciate who they are and what they bring forward. To give this kind of attention to a woman can be like watching a flower blossom in real time.

There is no experience I have ever had that is quite like being truly seen and heard in the moment. I want to give that and I want to receive it. If you wish to be memorable to me, if you want to inspire my unending devotion, then get to know me—see me, hear me and let me know you see me.

I am certain you would be surprised by the levels of depth and tenderness that we men can contain within us and sometimes hide from the world because we aren’t yet sure how it will be received.

2. Enjoy the way I move.

As a man one of the biggest sources of joy for me is in using my body to get stuff done somehow. Whether it’s chopping wood, carrying stuff around, playing sports, martial arts, rock climbing, running through the forest or some other activity, I feel the most alive when my body is being used.

Move with me, watch me and enjoy me. Let me know you like it. Tell me I’m sexy when I move and you will stir my passions into a frenzy. As a woman I know you are probably pretty used to people admiring and complementing you for your physicality. As a man I am a lot less used to it and it can really mean a lot to me.

3. Tell me how I impact you.

If you have butterflies in your stomach when you are with me, if your heart beats a little faster when I say or do something, if kissing me turns you on—then tell me. Tell me how you feel when you are with me and I will feel closer to you, so much closer. I want to know that I mean something and that me being in the world changes your experience of it.

I can remember every single time a woman has shared this with me, it means that much.

4. Follow me into my cave.

There are going to be times when the world overwhelms me, when I feel incapable, when something hurts and my natural instinct is to withdraw and be alone.

I’m told as a man that I have to do it on my own, that I have to be strong and confident and never show my weaknesses. So in times of difficulty I will retreat, and if you really care about me then don’t leave me alone. Come and see me, call me, check in on me and ask if I am okay.

Don’t be surprised if I don’t want to talk. Don’t think that means I want you to go away though. Just be there for me. Maybe all I need is to be held and to know that you wont leave me if I can’t do it all. We all need to be held sometimes. And if you stay with me, if you show me that it’s okay for me to be vulnerable I might open up and tell you.

This is not going to be an easy thing to do, so please be patient. You will probably be rewarded with my undying loyalty. We men never forget those who are there for us in times of difficulty.

5. Talk about “stuff” with me sometimes.

As men and women we perceive the world differently, and that difference is a beautiful thing.

Your world is more feeling based, subtle and dynamic, prone to rapid changes in a way that boggles me at times. I’m doing my best to follow you, learn about you and enjoy the unique way you are.

And sometimes I want to talk about “stuff” with you. Depending on who I am is going to determine what that stuff is—it may be extreme sports, martial arts or the latest spiritual philosophy I have been studying, yet I want to talk about the details of it.

Indulge me! Ask questions and maybe even debate about it with me. I will probably get really excited in a way that might be confusing to you. This is a part of me as a man and I want to share it with you as much as I do everything else. Even better is to tell me you enjoy it when I talk about this stuff.

(Although be careful: saying this will be a signal for me to do more of it!)


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Edited by: Ben Neal

About Damien Bohler

Damien is a nomadic soul sometimes confused and other times delighted by his existence on this strange and wonderful planet. He enjoys writing, climbing trees and being barefoot. You can read more of his stuff on his blog.


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37 Responses to “5 Ways to Make a Man Feel Really Loved. ~ Damien Bohler”

  1. Debra says:

    I love this list, particularly 4 – I always assumed that when a man went to his cave he wanted to be alone (I know I do), but I'll give it a try. And 5, I love the way his face lights up when he starts talking about stuff that he's interested in.

  2. Alison says:

    Um hi. :)
    You write beautifully
    I felt a lovely connection to this and it put a big smile on my soul.
    I especially like numbers one and three. And five. Okay I especially like it all.
    I feel like this could be my list.. It's so raw and beautiful.
    Thank you so very much and I may be referring to this in the future :)
    Where can I find more of you or your writing? ;)

  3. rosie rai says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I always feel like I am treading a minefield when I am trying to understand a man… these pointers are lot of help :)

  4. Monkey says:

    Hi :)

    Debra – I don't speak for all men, yet I know this is true for me. I might not want to/be able to talk when I am "in my cave" yet I really like not feeling alone in there and knowing the person I care about most will love me and accept me even when I'm withdrawn is an amazing gift.

    Alison – thank you! You can find more of my writing on my blog http://monkeyscorner.wordpress.com, I also write articles on thegoodmenproject.com sometimes.
    This kind of encouragement is an incentive to be writing more :)

    Rosie – thanks, the minefield is both ways! So let's just help each other out so we can enjoy juicy and beautiful connections together!

  5. Jennifer says:

    Loved! Awesome article. Thank you!

  6. RME says:

    Spot on. Thank you.
    Men, please don't forward this to your GFs.
    Instead, say it, to them, in person, in your own words.

    • Monkey says:

      Nice RME.
      Yeah the invitation is to clearly express to our loved ones what has us feel loved. Both what they already do (and showing appreciation for that) and what we would like more of.

  7. lindaselby says:

    You are really good at this. Thanks for putting this into words the way you do. I could hear my guy's voice while reading this. ;)

  8. Jamie Khoo says:

    Wonderful, as always Damien. Your writing is spectacular and beautiful and true and nakedly honest. I wish I could take you out for coffee! x

  9. robwolfpetersen says:

    1-3 really resonate for me. 4 and 5, not so much. Nonetheless, I appreciate your courage in writing and sharing the above, Damien. Even reading an article about what men need and want feels good to me. Thanks.

  10. melodie says:

    Utterly beautiful

    You make me want to be a better woman.

  11. Lily says:

    This is so sweet and touching. Thank you for writing it.

    I am dating someone new, and i really like him. I have been doing some of these quite naturally on my own, but had no idea how meaningful it can be. In fact, i feel embarrassed sometimes, for sharing with him in this way, especially because it is a very new connection. I had no idea I was giving such a gift. I wish for you, this too!

  12. drjigsaw says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I have had it open on my laptop for the past few days so I would remember to read it again and again. I am fortunate to have a man who explained these things to me, and I heard him in everything I read. This is such a great reminder of all the things that can be great in a relationship.

  13. Thanks Damien, wonderful to hear this from a man!

  14. Monkey says:

    Thank you everyone for the beautiful feedback. It inspires me to write more :)

  15. MommyTheorist says:

    Sorry, I'll never pretend to care about football.

    • Damien says:

      Personally I am not interested in football either. However if your man is then I feel sad at that place where there will be no connection.

      It’s not about pretending and it’s not about caring about the object of our passion… It is about enjoying us in that passion that WE as men care about this. Can you care enough to peer into this world we might actually be yearning to share with you in some way but utterly afraid that you won’t care and we

      will feel shame for opening ourselves up.

      How sad that we have to keep this part of ourselves, even if it is football, wrapped away and hidden from you.

      • David says:

        Exactly, thank you for expressing this Damien. It's not about caring about everything that we talk about… it's about caring that we care about it. Wonderful article.

  16. @KarunaVine says:

    This is a very beautiful article. I like that you wrote it in first person, makes it much more personal. Its nice and refreshing to read something real and vulnerable like that.

  17. Jeremy Gordon says:

    All together it's a beautiful exploration of self. However, I feel the title may steer some women in the wrong direction. "5 Ways to Make Some Men Feel Really Loved" or "5 Ways I Want To Be Loved" would certainly be less misleading. I don't believe some of the points are anywhere near universal. In my experience, some of them actually seem somewhat uncommon.

    1. Agree. I'd also expand on this to say, "Get to know the deepest parts of me". Get to know my hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, where I feel guilt and shame, what lights me up, what gets me juiced, what makes me come alive. This is true for both sexes. We all want to be seen and embraced for who we are, especially at the deepest levels.

    2. Doesn't do anything for me at all and not sure it would for a lot of, if not most, guys.

    3. Agree.

    4. Kinda disagree and I think many men would. I don't want to be followed into my cave. If I'm going into my cave, I want to be alone. I want to be with myself to process my thoughts and feelings. The only thing I'd want to know is that my partner is available for support if I need it, It's fine if she checked in to see if I wanted company or wanted to be alone. If I wanted to be alone, all I'd want is for her to say is, "I'm here in any way you need if you need me".

    5. Agree, but I'd expand on this similarly to #1. Both sexes want to talk about their interests with their partners. Sometimes we don't understand each other's interests. Relationships grow when both parties in a relationship seek to understand each other's interests. An easy way to explore your partner's interests is to ask, "I'm curious, what is it that makes you so passionate or excited about this?". Questions like that promote a deeper understanding of each other's underlying drives and motivations.

    For woman reading this list, I'd caution on acting on it. Best to just check in with your man and ask him if these are things he'd appreciate or not. If not, ask him what it is that he would appreciate.

    • Monkey says:


      What you pointed to in point 4 is what I was attempting to express. I think I could have done it a little bit better, which is always the way in retrospect ;)
      To have a woman check in and show her support without demanding anything from me. From this space I may or may not open up to her… having the choice is the beautiful part for me.

      I imagine point 2 only really applying to men who are physical in some way in their lives. It could be rephrased as being admired when we are in our passion, whatever that may be… again, retrospect.

      And I agree… open the dialogue in our relationships and see what really feeds and nourishes us is where things can really flower.

  18. anna weltman says:

    these are also the exact same ways to make a woman feel more loved…

  19. chinadoll815 says:

    excellent read…as just reemerging into the world of love, and men, i sincerely appreciate your words. they are ones i always innately felt, but hearing it so succinctly yet eloquently from a man help me to not be so afraid to act on them. many thanks….

  20. alicia says:

    What a wonderful article; beautifully written. Kind of weird, how The Universe works. I just finished writing a heartfelt message to someone that I care deeply for, and read this after I sent it. It reinforced that it was not a mistake to send such a raw message to such an important person.

  21. Waterfire says:

    Love this open and honest sharing.
    I am currently with a beautiful man that inspires me to do all these thing effortlessly-naturall-intuitivly .This is how I know I love him authentically.That this love is love -pure form-
    I do love the way he moves and tell him, he should know.He moves me with his words, I love the way he thinks and also the way he feels.I love kissing him and the way he touches me.I tell him.I simply have to tell him.I am finding-learning that if one needs to try -force it , then perhaps it is not the right pairing of souls..I am grateful to be able to experience and share this love with another being.I wish the same for you.xo

  22. Naheed says:

    I so love the way you write. You really speak your mind which helps me understand what's in my mind and how I would love to see my man and how would I want my man to see me, know me and understand me.

  23. Josh says:

    Boom. Honest stuff man. Nicely done. Very modern of you to not act like all we need is a nice piece of tail, some beers, a game on the TV and blah blah macho blah. Cheers.

  24. Maria says:

    Thank you so much for your inspiring words! I find reading this really refreshing during these times of spiritual evolution. Know that by doing what you love, you are also reaching out to help other people, and in turn you're helping yourself too. Living a life of eternal joy, infinite freedom, unconditional love, and unbounded awareness is definitely what we came here to do, and you're a true moving inspiration for everyone on the same path. Blessings from my heart to yours!

  25. yuridia says:

    I wrote a reply yesterday but why is it deleted?

  26. Joe Sparks says:

    In my perspective, We all really want the same things. No one can make you feel loved. A person can show you much they love you and if you do not love yourself, it is because you feel bad about yourself. Getting close to other humans will actually bring out those feels of not being loved. We as men need to remember those needs of being loved will never get met until we heal the old hurts we received as young ones. Looking for a mommy is not going to take it away. We needed to feel that loved from our moms, dads, adults, etc…too late. However, wcan go back as adults and help each other by listening and thinking together and learn how to care for each other which moves both of our lives forward. And not just depend on one person to try to make us feel loved. If you want to feel really loved, start loving people. It is a beautiful thing!

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  29. SUMAK says:

    Hey! Thanks for the great article- good read for sure. Just wondering… do you think this applies just as much in male-female friendships as well? Or do you think this is more for men in relationships? Don't want to creep out my friend and tell him I still get butterflies around him, and have for the past 5 years, but not really sure if he feels the same way… regardless, we're just friends so just wanted to get your take on that.

  30. Gena says:

    Excellent post – so insightful! Esentially treat guys the way you want to be treated, pretty much. Thank you!

  31. susan says:

    I loved It. Thanks.

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