5 Ways to Make a Woman Feel Really Loved.

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A response to Damien Bohler’s beautiful article, 5 Ways to Make a Man Feel Really Loved.

I saw a funny thing today on Facebook which said, “Men: If you ever wanna know what a woman’s mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.” And while that crazy tendency to think, imagine, create, obsess, worry over a thousand things all at the same time can be true at many times of any given day in my own life, women are, I believe, actually quite simple to please at heart.

Ultimately, like Damien points out in the introduction to his own post, each of us are just another human being “wanting to know that I am safe, that I am appreciated and loved for who I am.”

I’ve still got plenty to learn myself on this tricky but magical but challenging but thrilling path of forging and maintaining relationships, but here’s what I’ve treasured most from the times I’ve been so fortunate to love and be loved.

1. Get Naked with Me

Not just in the literal sense (although that would also be fantastic!). I have loved most the men who have dared to be vulnerable—and I say ‘dared’ because I think to show yourself honestly is an act of tremendous courage and strength. We don’t all want or need infallible superheroes. I just want to see you for you and as you—the amazing stuff, bad stuff, silly stuff, strong stuff, embarrassing stuff.

This isn’t about prying into your private inner life, it’s about understanding what makes your heart soar (and helping to give you extra big wings for it) and discovering what it really is that has birthed all those other things in and about you that I’ve fallen in love with.

Talk to me, share with me what you’re excited about, get mad and frustrated if I don’t understand or agree sometimes, don’t be afraid to be excited about something in front of me, let your face spontaneously contort into a million different expressions without trying to mask it into a placid something that you think I’d want to see. Just be you.

 2. Tell Me I’m Beautiful

And no, this isn’t about reassuring me that “my bum doesn’t look big in this dress” or telling me my new haircut looks great. I am glad when you tell me that I’m beautiful, but really, I love it more that you appreciate the things that have nothing to do with what I look like—my passion, my weird interests, my friendships, my wounds, my histories, my triumphs.

I feel most loved when you tell me that I’m beautiful when I know I’m at my most unkempt; when I’ve been so deeply engrossed in whatever I’m doing, loving, creating, living that I haven’t even realized that there’s now ink all over my face and my hair needs a wash.

More often than not, I have fallen in love with you for so much more than your beautiful face—your energy, your talent, your humor, your many quirks, the cheeky glint in your eye, your passions, the way you light up when you’re extolling the virtues of deep-fried foods. I hope more than ever that I have captured your heart in the same way.

If I have, please let me know; this is what will make me feel my most beautiful.

3. Let Me Know I’m Part of Your Life

Us girls love to talk, but this isn’t just about long conversations. Stay in touch with me and let me know that I am a part of your life, not just someone you meet up with for dinner and a sleepover. Remember the things I care about and bring these aspects into the time you do spend with me.

This could be something as simple as knowing that I like nature and taking me for a walk in the woods. Send me a little unexpected text message in the middle of the day to say hello. Pluck me a wildflower just because. Take note of a cool quote from my favourite author that you just stumbled upon and email it to me. Remember that I had an important meeting this morning and ask me about it when you see me.

Let me know that even if we don’t have long conversations, the things that I do tell you stick and are important for you because they’re important to me.

4. Let Me Cry

Because I will panic sometimes. I will cry. I will sink into a dark, depressing, heavy place. Things will upset me more than they should and I may fall apart. Please don’t belittle the hurt or tell me that I’m just being silly or that “it’s not that bad”. I just want someone to hold me, kiss the tears from my eyes, stroke my hair, listen to my anxieties and tell me that I will be okay.

Even if you don’t know how it’s going to be okay, even if you don’t really know what I’m so sad about, just hold me, breathe into the pain with me, tell me that you will love me through this. Sing me a song, make me a sandwich, help me to fall asleep again—let me know that it’s okay to be where I am now but also reassure me that you believe in me and my strength to pull through this.

Please understand that I will be okay and I will get through this. I am not expecting you to fix things for me but it makes a world of difference for me just to know that you understand I’m hurting, that you’re letting me be in this place for a while and that you’ll still be there when I come out.

5. Leave the Door to Your Cave a Little Ajar

I know that sometimes, when the world gets too big and heavy and difficult, you too would like to withdraw and go into a quiet place all alone. I understand that and I respect it and will love you through all the time that you’re there. I ask only that you leave the door to the cave a little ajar, just so I can come in sometimes just to be with you and see your lovely face.

I won’t tread heavily or make a sound. We don’t need to utter a word to each other. Just let me know that you know that I’m there, that you haven’t forgotten and that you know I’m always just outside the cave entrance, not far away, if only for a cuddle or a bowl of ice cream or a big long hearty talk if you want it.

Care for me in turn by not pushing me away. Love me just by knowing and acknowledging—if only by a silent gaze—that I am here for you, I love you, I care for you.


This is what love looks like:


Like elephant love on Facebook.

Ed: Bryonie Wise

{Photo via araujo.denise on Flickr Creative Commons}

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Jamie Khoo

Jamie has loved writing and words from the moment she started to read. After getting her MA in English, she went on to pursue a career in writing and has had her work published in magazines such as Elle Malaysia and Time Out Kuala Lumpur. Sick of being told by mass media and society what “beautiful” is or isn’t, Jamie founded the website a beauty full mind to challenge conventional beauty ideals and create new definitions and conversations about what beauty can mean for all of us today.

Say hello to her on Facebook or drop her an email at [email protected].

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anonymous Feb 9, 2016 9:42pm


anonymous Feb 7, 2016 8:11am

Thank you very much for this article. Just like you have moved the stone of the part of running waters. Even right away with my baby we really enjoyed this.

anonymous Dec 24, 2015 12:12am

I haven’t got a Girl Friend yet but i hope i will handle the relationship perfectly after i have read this.

anonymous Oct 16, 2015 12:30am

I dont believe it is hard to find a real man who will love a woman. If a woman opens her heart to someone and be really honest, she will attract a man of the same kind. What i have experienced after getting thru two failed relationships, what women has to do is not to keep their eyes and mind shut… We should never deny the awful traits we see in a partner… Love is not all that matters….there should be mutual respect, trust and honesty. Accept that there are certain things coyld not control… If that thing hurts you at the start then it is time to reconsider.

anonymous Oct 11, 2015 1:16pm

I appreciate your insights in your article but as a woman I must disagree with you on #5. Your need to be loved at all times conflicts with a mans’ need for some alone time. The cave is not just a place men go when the “world gets big, and heavy and difficult.” When men are at work, they are in battle mode. It’s like being in the caveman days; they’re hunting and are in predator mode. In order to be any good to a woman or his family, he has to TRANSITION. Men need quiet time for that and certainly can’t do it if your’e trying to cuddle with him.

The Key to feeling loved as a woman is not to expect a man to fill your every need. So if a woman doesn’t have a boyfriend or isn’t married, is she then lost and a void of love an affection? So one day a woman who denies herself the love and affection she seeks from a man, suddenly has all these NEEDS when she gets into a relationship. Me, me, me. Give me this, give me that. I need this or that to feel loved. Easy way to turn into a nag. It’s a turnoff. When you can be independent and care for yourself; a man will want to do all these things for you, naturally. MEN CAN BE WONDERFUL. But they are NOT like women. Don’t expect them to response to what you need if you don’t give them what you need, like space.

anonymous Aug 17, 2015 5:59am

Five years ago I met my girlfriend through an internet dating site. After our second meeting I posted this update to my profile: I've found my beautiful treasure, she is smart, funny, a little nerdy in a sweet and nice way. I love the sound of her voice and find it hard to say good night when we chat. She makes me smile inside in a way I didn't think could be possible again. Our situations require patience, but I am more than willing to wait because she is worth it. Her past and present are not "baggage" to me, but rather part of what makes up he unique persona that I cherish so very much. I love listening to her and sharing stories about life and love and the pursuit of happiness. As we explore each others dreams and desires and futures, I can only hope that she feels the same. Her thoughts are always welcome.
Today the dance continues.

anonymous Aug 12, 2015 2:55pm

Touching! This inspired me to write this post on my blog. How to make her feel loved ——> http://bit.ly/1OZgQ9I

anonymous Aug 12, 2015 2:53pm

Thumbs up

anonymous Jul 20, 2015 11:20pm

I wish I had a woman cave sometimes. Husbands can be clingy and just as demanding of constant attention as well. I've been married 20 yrs and love my alone time….so I retreat to my bedroom at 10 pm sharp every night just to decompress.

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 4:41pm

Let me feel secure in ur arms

anonymous Apr 25, 2015 10:51am

I'm confident that this post has touched a LOT of hearts! After reading it for myself, I'm compelled to say THANK YOU for creating something that touched mine!

anonymous Apr 15, 2015 12:23pm

This is an article written by someone who has never been in a seriously committed relationship. As someone in a long term almost ten year relationship with two children, I can tell you now the above top five ways to make a woman feel loved would not work for me. In future please wait a little longer before proclaiming you have the ultimate answer for all relationships, you are very inexperienced!

anonymous Apr 9, 2015 7:51pm

I loved your article thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I do agree with the men that have shared that respecting the man cave is so important. What I have learned from past couples therapy, is that it really helps me when my man goes to the cave, if he lets me know that things are OK and gives me an idea of when he'll check in with me again. This way I don't feel abandoned and can give him all the space he needs. Or perhaps things aren't OK and he needs time to think, totally fine as well, but a check in time down the road gives me an 'end time' to focus on, and then I know I need to respect the boundary and give space. If I'm having a hard time, that is my problem and I need to work on soothing myself during that time as it is not his responsibility to make me feel better.

anonymous Jan 29, 2015 7:40am

This doesn’t have to be a man woman thing but could be looked at as simply how to be compassionate and understanding towards another human. We don’t need a guildline to do this but rather to have done inner work on ourselves to see what fear and insecurities are blocking this natural flow of love. And that is something that both partners need to do to be able to have a deeper relationship. When both are fully conscience to themselves then they are not on automatic conditioned responses and are able to be spontaneous and then the love flows and there wants disappear and is replaced with wanting to give what is overflowing

anonymous Jan 15, 2015 5:21am

My man loves me like this every day, even though much of the time we are hundreds of miles apart. He remembers things that are important to me, loves me for my flawed, natural self, and isn't afraid to let me cry as hard as I need to in the harbor of his arms. How lucky I am!

anonymous Dec 24, 2014 10:35pm

I set up an account simply so I could tell you how amazing this piece is… it made me cry and is a perfect description of what it is to love and be loved. thank you for sharing it. bravo!

anonymous Oct 23, 2014 4:07am

All good, but you are WAY OFF on the man cave. If you want to be a team player, learn to understand men as we learn to understand you. The man cave is off limits and a total deal breaker if you want to get inside. As men learn to be more sharing with women don’t so selfish to think we are going to give up our very last vestige of perceived freedom so you can always ‘feel’ safe, be glad we chose you and do all the rest so Damn well. You should care if your man is happy, and we need our alone time away from you to do that, no matter how much we care for you.. some women I swear, so Damn selfish. More more more.

    anonymous Dec 12, 2014 7:28pm

    The fact that you liken a relationship to bondage says it all. You're not going to move forward if you don't let someone in.

anonymous Oct 9, 2014 6:04pm

Okay list, except for #5. The point of withdrawing to the man-cave to so that no one "comes in" and bothers you. We don't want anyone sneaking in. That ruins it.

anonymous Sep 8, 2014 9:44pm

Great article Jamie , I’m also Seperated from my wife and I’m working on me and trying to learn and grow thanks for such a good read

anonymous Aug 14, 2014 3:34am

Perfect , real and very well written …

anonymous Aug 11, 2014 9:25pm

I hope he reads this 🙁

anonymous Jun 28, 2014 11:28pm

Fantastic article! This is spot on.

anonymous Jun 27, 2014 12:48pm

This is my favorite thing of today. Well done!!

anonymous Jun 6, 2014 7:09am

BEutiful article! That is exactly what makes me fall in love.

anonymous Jun 5, 2014 5:39pm

I really appreciate your writing, Jamie! Thank you for sharing. 🙂

anonymous May 4, 2014 7:37am

Beautiful – thank you for this!

anonymous Feb 9, 2014 9:15am

Thank you for putting everything my wife has told me down on paper…each of the items are issues in our marriage and now lead to our separation. I have blocked many of these actions out. The feelings are there but I’m obsessed over my own thoughts feelings and pride for so long…the wall I’ve built refuses to tumble and she is tired of trying to climb over. Your words are verbatim of my wife.

I have failed her…i hope there is another chance to right the wrong…tear down the wall.

She’s the one I want…here’s to hope, faith and a redhead’s will to stay through the past 6 years waiting for this vision.

I asked her to summarize what it is I need to fix…it’s now in my phone for daily reading.

“Verbalize your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. Verbally express love care and concern for others on a daily basis.”

Thank you,


    anonymous May 4, 2014 8:27am

    Hey Jason, I'm so sorry to hear about your separation and sending lots of love that things will work their way to happiness for you. Sending you bushels of love, hope, faith and a lifetime of will to removing the wall and building up circles of love and light and laughter xxx

anonymous Feb 9, 2014 1:13am

Terrific article. Good advice. No woman wants a “perfect man.” I admire a man that can bare his soul and not worry about his “flaws”. Acceptance and appreciation are very important. #1 way to show a woman you love her…offer help or assistance in any form. Be a team player. Life is full of obligations. An offer of help shows that you would like her to have some free time to spend with you and that you care about her well-being. She will welcome you with open arms. Guaranteed!

anonymous Jan 15, 2014 7:38pm

Jamie…you're stunning.

anonymous Jan 2, 2014 5:56am

I really enjoyed this article… I enjoyed all of what was said and believe it rings true for women who are dating or in committed relationships. I do think however, that it differs slightly for those of us who are co-parenting, cohabiting, or married and raising children. I'd love to see another article that deals with the different ways we can make each other feel loved after years and years of already loving one another.

anonymous Nov 11, 2013 4:29pm

Hey Jamie just saw this.
Thank you for writing this follow up… I love it! And I love how the worlds intertwine. that the ways we experience love as man and woman often tend to complement each other so perfectly when we step into our authentic selves and live in the way we are guided to from within.
When we drop trying to do what we think the other person wants and instead come from the place deep inside that speaks to what we really want.

Thanks Jamie, made my day!

anonymous Oct 12, 2013 10:06am

Love this – and it's so right. Exactly!

anonymous Oct 12, 2013 5:13am

These days, it is very hard to find someone who really loves you for who you are…..most people…and I must admit and confess I am one of them……..that we all see people with a tinted glass and a reflection of ourselves.

If you can find that special someone……(and yes, no one will match our own selves exactly), make each day as if it is the first day you meet each other, be honest, be loving, be forgiving, be accepting and be creative…..

Love your partner the way you want to be loved!

    anonymous Oct 13, 2013 1:57am

    Thank you Margaret! I love what you have said about keeping every day as if it's the first time we've met each other <3

      anonymous Dec 9, 2015 11:57pm

      I love that.it has really made my relationship strong