“I hate negativity. It’s so toxic. …Now what’s taking that loser Starbucks barista so long to give me my effing triple almond skinny latte in a 10% recycled plastic lined to go cup with a lid that will outlive the next 7 generations?! I have to get outta this Whole Foods parking lot n’SUV my way over to yoga class, goddamnit.”
Let’s all make fun of spiritual materialists (you know, elephant readers & writers & me).
editor’s mean introduction: I love how yoga teachers who’ve graduated from two week teacher trainings at their local McYoga studio suddenly feel empowered to open their trite, clichéd adolescent hearts all over my mindstream while I’m captive in their “class,” “learning” “yoga” from them.
This article goes out to all you spiritual-lite yoga teacher wannabes out there. It also goes out to all the amateur-hour shrinks without degrees who send articles of second-hand impersonal wisdom to elephant.
Am I offending 90% of our idiot readers? Good. Go find another blog to read for free. This blog is about genuine spiritual wisdom.
We don’t even like the word “spiritual.” It’s about life—you know, what happens when your trust fund runs out.
Are you smug like me? Please add your favorite fake BS shallow wisdom pet peeve in comments! ~ W.
Warning: offensive, totally un-yogic swear words below. Anger is not yoga-appropriate: suppress it.
“Yadayadayadayadayadayadayadayadayada.” ~ The Dalai Lama/Patanjali/Gandhi/Martin Luther King/Rumi/Kahlil Gibrain/Mary Oliver/Deepak Chopra/Byron Katie
One thing’s true in this life, we all change. Change is the only constant.
Can’t we all get along? Co-exist? I bow to your light, you bow to mine, sorry I have to go before savasana but I forgot to turn off my iPhone before class and I got a text from Mercedes—Groupon has a deal on American Apparel, holla!
I love light and happiness, it’s good for my heart, which opens sometimes after I’ve healed from painful things. But pain is good! And good isn’t good or bad, bad is sometimes good. PS: don’t you hate it when waiters say “no problem” after they bring you a fourth Malibu on the Rocks? I know it’s no problem: I’m paying.
That reminds me: one time, I went through some painful things—Whole Foods was out of Quinoa again and this douchebag was annoying everyone [see Whole Foods Parking Lot video, below]—and then I realized later on that I was a better person because of it. Not better—I was more myself. My Self. Two words, capitalizing “Self.” By that I mean the higher Self, which I have no idea about, but it’s not the lowercase self shit I go through every day—like two hours ago when I was yelling at my girlfriend/boyfriend and hitting the dashboard with my backpack/purse and they were so un-understanding, they stormed off saying I was being Self-ish. She/he better text me back soon and apologize.
Remember to breathe when the going gets tough. Life is here to point out where we’re stuck. So breathe. Breathing is healthy. Particularly breathing in and out, it’s so good for you.
And stay hydrated: buy water from volcanoes in the Pacific, because water shipped halfway around the world and then stored in plastic? That’s just crazy.
Finally, exercise is good—but it’s not just for the body, it helps us work through yer four Malibus from last night—and, you know, be present and remember that our lives are full of abundance and all. Why exercise? It’s good for your skin—inside and out. I like to run, but it’s a lot of work. Still, the outfits look killer. I like to climb, but it’s sooo tiring, so I just hang at the base. I like yoga, of course—you get to walk around with your mat and there are so many hotties. I like the idea of bicycling—that’s why I bought a bike. It’s in my garage, squeezed in the back behind my X5 that daddy bought me, knowing full-well I wanted a SILVER FUCKING LEXUS. Such a loser.
Now let me talk about sex. I haven’t !(#>#<@?!:! properly ever, probably. But I do watch porn, and fantasize sometimes. I did have a very deeply feeling girlfriend/boyfriend recently, but they still haven’t texted me back and I’ve looked at their Facebook Wall and they’ve added three friends, one of whom is a girl/boy who looks hot. So that’s bullshit. But bullshit is like fertilizer: I can use that pain instead of rejecting it—thanks to this book by Pema Chodron that I read the back cover of (I didn’t buy it, I scanned the barcode and got it 30% off on Amazon, it’s in the mail).
I love children. And flowers. And Disney—early Disney. Skunks in particular, as in Bambi, are cute, because you can’t smell them when they’re in a movie. That said, as a social media expert (I’m following lots of celebs), I don’t go outside much—but you should, it’s Divine with a capitol D—which is another way of saying God, only cooler.
Do one thing a day that scares me.
Yoga: yoga is so important. It’s, like, saved my life. Yoga means unions, but rich people can go, too, it’s open to everybody. It’s very embracing of diversity. Yoga teaches you to embrace everyone and open with love and respect. The best is the yoga festivals, where you can go and study with the great teachers, party at night, get laid. Hat trick. Back home, it’s annoying: sometimes the classes are super full of idiots using a first class free coupon, and you have to be right next to all sorts of randos. Good thing I have a wiiiide Manduka mat—it’s what Lady Gaga uses. Totally.
Hipsters: hipsters are into whatever’s cool, which isn’t hipsters, so they all deny being hipsters. They have great taste, which is anything that’s uncool: fanny packs, mullets, cut off jean shorts for guys, whatever. Tip: you can buy cool glasses in Republican-owned (one of daddy’s golf friends is on the board), non-unionized Urban Outfitters. I want hipster friends like the ones I see at Coachella, which I’ve done since I was 15, but when I’m lonely I remember that being down and broken is good, for some reason. That’s key.
Religion is okay, if you just grab the stuff that works—forget the weird stuff.
Life is full of setbacks. That’s what my Lulu tote bag says, and I know from personal experience it’s true. Suffering. People are suffering all over. People suffered to make your laptop over in Africa and China. Over here, my one friend bought Apple Care when she got her display and her Mac Air, but it only covered her Mac Air, and she was pissed. That’s where you see suffering is all interconnected. And that’s the kind of bullshit yoga directly addresses.
The main thing is, and this is totally serious, to remember to laugh at yourself. For instance, this article is about you. You’re an idiot. So join me and laugh at yourself.
Me, I’m the real deal: I’ve read, like, at least five movies on Netflix streaming that were documentaries, and once the recommendation function told me to watch Food Inc., with Jamie Oliver, who did that dolphins movie about eating McDonalds in the 80s, the one about climate change n’shit.
Here’s more Lulu wisdom, from the most famous yoga sutra of modern times. Sutra is a Native American term for “tote bag.”
In conclusion, I’d like to quote from that nice old Buddhist woman:
That’s from the cover. Like I said, it’s arriving in the mail later on from Amazon.
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