Spiritual Wisdom from an Idiot.

Via on Jul 6, 2011

“I hate negativity. It’s so toxic. …Now what’s taking that loser Starbucks barista so long to give me my effing triple almond skinny latte in a 10% recycled plastic lined to go cup with a lid that will outlive the next 7 generations?! I have to get outta this Whole Foods parking lot n’SUV my way over to yoga class, goddamnit.”

Let’s all make fun of spiritual materialists (you know, elephant readers & writers & me).

editor’s mean introduction: I love how yoga teachers who’ve graduated from two week teacher trainings at their local McYoga studio suddenly feel empowered to open their trite, clichéd adolescent hearts all over my mindstream while I’m captive in their “class,” “learning” “yoga” from them.

This article goes out to all you spiritual-lite yoga teacher wannabes out there. It also goes out to all the amateur-hour shrinks without degrees who send articles of second-hand impersonal wisdom to elephant.

Am I offending 90% of our idiot readers? Good. Go find another blog to read for free. This blog is about genuine spiritual wisdom.

We don’t even like the word “spiritual.” It’s about life—you know, what happens when your trust fund runs out.

Are you smug like me? Please add your favorite fake BS shallow wisdom pet peeve in comments! ~ W.

Warning: offensive, totally un-yogic swear words below. Anger is not yoga-appropriate: suppress it.

Yadayadayadayadayadayadayadayadayada.” ~ The Dalai Lama/Patanjali/Gandhi/Martin Luther King/Rumi/Kahlil Gibrain/Mary Oliver/Deepak Chopra/Byron Katie

One thing’s true in this life, we all change. Change is the only constant.

Can’t we all get along? Co-exist? I bow to your light, you bow to mine, sorry I have to go before savasana but I forgot to turn off my iPhone before class and I got a text from Mercedes—Groupon has a deal on American Apparel, holla!

I love light and happiness, it’s good for my heart, which opens sometimes after I’ve healed from painful things. But pain is good! And good isn’t good or bad, bad is sometimes good. PS: don’t you hate it when waiters say “no problem” after they bring you a fourth Malibu on the Rocks? I know it’s no problem: I’m paying.

That reminds me: one time, I went through some painful things—Whole Foods was out of Quinoa again and this douchebag was annoying everyone [see Whole Foods Parking Lot video, below]—and then I realized later on that I was a better person because of it. Not better—I was more myself. My Self. Two words, capitalizing “Self.” By that I mean the higher Self, which I have no idea about, but it’s not the lowercase self shit I go through every day—like two hours ago when I was yelling at my girlfriend/boyfriend and hitting the dashboard with my backpack/purse and they were so un-understanding, they stormed off saying I was being Self-ish. She/he better text me back soon and apologize.

Remember to breathe when the going gets tough. Life is here to point out where we’re stuck. So breathe. Breathing is healthy. Particularly breathing in and out, it’s so good for you.

And stay hydrated: buy water from volcanoes in the Pacific, because water shipped halfway around the world and then stored in plastic? That’s just crazy.

Finally, exercise is good—but it’s not just for the body, it helps us work through yer four Malibus from last night—and, you know, be present and remember that our lives are full of abundance and all. Why exercise? It’s good for your skin—inside and out. I like to run, but it’s a lot of work. Still, the outfits look killer. I like to climb, but it’s sooo tiring, so I just hang at the base. I like yoga, of course—you get to walk around with your mat and there are so many hotties. I like the idea of bicycling—that’s why I bought a bike. It’s in my garage, squeezed in the back behind my X5 that daddy bought me, knowing full-well I wanted a SILVER FUCKING LEXUS. Such a loser.

Now let me talk about sex. I haven’t !(#>#<@?!:! properly ever, probably. But I do watch porn, and fantasize sometimes. I did have a very deeply feeling girlfriend/boyfriend recently, but they still haven’t texted me back and I’ve looked at their Facebook Wall and they’ve added three friends, one of whom is a girl/boy who looks hot. So that’s bullshit. But bullshit is like fertilizer: I can use that pain instead of rejecting it—thanks to this book by Pema Chodron that I read the back cover of (I didn’t buy it, I scanned the barcode and got it 30% off on Amazon, it’s in the mail).

I love children. And flowers. And Disney—early Disney. Skunks in particular, as in Bambi, are cute, because you can’t smell them when they’re in a movie. That said, as a social media expert (I’m following lots of celebs), I don’t go outside much—but you should, it’s Divine with a capitol D—which is another way of saying God, only cooler.

Do one thing a day that scares me.

Yoga: yoga is so important. It’s, like, saved my life. Yoga means unions, but rich people can go, too, it’s open to everybody. It’s very embracing of diversity. Yoga teaches you to embrace everyone and open with love and respect. The best is the yoga festivals, where you can go and study with the great teachers, party at night, get laid. Hat trick. Back home, it’s annoying: sometimes the classes are super full of idiots using a first class free coupon, and you have to be right next to all sorts of randos. Good thing I have a wiiiide Manduka mat—it’s what Lady Gaga uses. Totally.

Hipsters: hipsters are into whatever’s cool, which isn’t hipsters, so they all deny being hipsters. They have great taste, which is anything that’s uncool: fanny packs, mullets, cut off jean shorts for guys, whatever. Tip: you can buy cool glasses in Republican-owned (one of daddy’s golf friends is on the board), non-unionized Urban Outfitters. I want hipster friends like the ones I see at Coachella, which I’ve done since I was 15, but when I’m lonely I remember that being down and broken is good, for some reason. That’s key.

Religion is okay, if you just grab the stuff that works—forget the weird stuff.

Life is full of setbacks. That’s what my Lulu tote bag says, and I know from personal experience it’s true. Suffering. People are suffering all over. People suffered to make your laptop over in Africa and China. Over here, my one friend bought Apple Care when she got her display and her Mac Air, but it only covered her Mac Air, and she was pissed. That’s where you see suffering is all interconnected. And that’s the kind of bullshit yoga directly addresses.

Breathe deeply.

The main thing is, and this is totally serious, to remember to laugh at yourself. For instance, this article is about you. You’re an idiot. So join me and laugh at yourself.

Me, I’m the real deal: I’ve read, like, at least five movies on Netflix streaming that were documentaries, and once the recommendation function told me to watch Food Inc., with Jamie Oliver, who did that dolphins movie about eating McDonalds in the 80s, the one about climate change n’shit.

Here’s more Lulu wisdom, from the most famous yoga sutra of modern times. Sutra is a Native American term for “tote bag.”

In conclusion, I’d like to quote from that nice old Buddhist woman:

“When things fall apart.” ~ Pema Chodron

That’s from the cover. Like I said, it’s arriving in the mail later on from Amazon.

PS: I have a flattering purple fair labor organic OM tee shirt, with great texture, which I got on sale via an ad on elephantjournal.com. Holla!

~

Related Bonus vids:

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110 Responses to “Spiritual Wisdom from an Idiot.”

  1. Joshua Plant JoshMPlant says:

    Loved this. I would say more, but I lost my voice omming too much. And I hurt my wrist in chaturanga, so typing is a bitch. I'll tweet the shit out of you tho'

  2. Karen says:

    I want a Tshirt that says NAMASTE BITCHES!

  3. [...] are utterly confused. We’ve defecated all over our own authenticity and brilliance with the feces of opinion and perspec…We believe we’ve found ourselves, but now we have become imprisoned and segregated from the [...]

  4. eric mathias says:

    not sure i see any bowing to the light in others via this post. there's a difference between honesty and reactionary rant.

    i totally get where you'e coming from. i suppose it helps drive readership but perhaps the message behind your posting would reach more readers if you were to temper your immediate reactions with a bit of stillness. all i see in this posting is a mirror of the frustrations you're experiencing.

    mcyoga's get people into yoga. and as a practitioner, you don't have to support those teachers and/or studios. while mcyoga's may create and exacerbate injuries for some, my feeling is that they will seek out studios and/or teachers that lead with an ethical and alignment focused example. that would be my hope, though i know that it may also drive people away from yoga altogether (NOT COOL!)

    sorry waylon, i generally enjoy reading some of your posts; if here, your message was to "enlighten" people on what yoga can be, perhaps demonstrate the ethics of yoga in your writing would increase the "idiot's" rate of learning.

    much love,
    eric

  5. tjk says:

    Haha, you are an idiot. You're right.

  6. @bizshrink says:

    At our house we simply call it "Another trip to the New Age Bookstore," and some are buying the cliff notes.
    From a loving idiot who #laffs at herself, a lot. The supply of new material is endless.

  7. smac says:

    All these terrible first world problems we have, its a wonder we sleep!

  8. Martin says:

    Can I be an idiot too? Does it take special training?

  9. devacat says:

    Bravo! & oh yeah, Jai!

  10. [...] the rub: I am a spiritual performer. I parody what I imagine to be outward signs of spiritual attainment—my voice is deeper than my [...]

  11. Doc Jim says:

    Thursday morning 3 am from a fellow idiot meandering the web seeking the meaning of life. I saw the Namaste, bitches and the Vicksburg commander/captain squid hat (I still have mine from the Lincoln) and I had to read. You must have been, or should have been, an Aegis driver because your musings (mellow rants) are good protection from the silly bullshit side of enlightenment seeking. And there be much bullshit to beware of.

    Good snarky shit, Waylon! I see from some of the comments that some idiots don't get it. My idiot Self does. 3 am wake-up are good for such things. Thanks for the eloquent enlightenment. Check six.

  12. [...] The dance of the divine sparkles within each of us—and outside of us— like a diamond mist spread… [...]

  13. Karen says:

    Where can I buy a shirt that says Namaste Bitches on it?I love it!!

  14. Matthew says:

    Sometimes a complaint works better than a complement in giving someone the push they need to grow.

    I don't think a two week course makes you an expert and I would say that about anything.

    It does, however, become a step toward a goal.

    You are ultimately free to explore any path toward whatever destination you have set.

    Every big tree starts as a seed.

    To people that are learning, criticism can sometimes be seen as a turn off. However, it does seem that a happy life is provided by using proper discrimination, which is an aim of yoga. Examining the false and knowing what is true is the path of yoga.

    If you saw a baby eating shit, would you not instruct it to stop eating its fecal matter?

  15. Morgan says:

    I don't think I have ever, ever laughed so hard at an article. This was amazing. Thank you – needed a laugh today. I fully believe in a sense of humor, a light-heartedness if you will about yourself and others. It's not mean spirited, it's funny.

  16. [...] we feel that connection with another human being, that spark, that (sorry, Waylon, I know you hate this term) resonance with another person, part of it is that we recognize the light we share in [...]

  17. Robyn says:

    Brilliant, Waylon.

  18. La Lune Sanctuaire says:

    Great stuff and sadly true….

  19. [...] I love how yoga teachers who’ve graduated from two week teacher trainings at their local McYoga studio suddenly feel empowered to open their trite, clichéd adolescent hearts all over my mindstream while I’m captive in their “class,” “learning” “yoga” from them. Read more at Elephant Journal. [...]

  20. YogaStine says:

    Freakin' Loved this! I am a yoga instructor (not the two week kind) and anger is 'effing appropriate in yoga as it is in life! Keep ranting ;-) …and "Namaste, Bitches" best salutation to come out of this century!

  21. deedee says:

    I need to marry you! Jesus! Everything you write. I don't even know you and I feel like your my best friend. Thanks for connecting with my inner most thoughts and emotions it makes me happy even when its about darker things. (referring to other articles as well)

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  24. Ah-ha-ha!!! I love it.

  25. Amber says:

    The article was fine…and funny. Your response to the first person not singing your praises, however, was so disappointing and brought to light very clearly that I can no longer support a site whose leader will only perpetuate my brain dead, idiot state. I like MindBodyGreen much better at this point. See ya EJ!

  26. alansmith15 says:

    real refreshing and interesting blog post topics you guys and covering up here. really love to follow more of your work. great job.

  27. bocobound says:

    Boulder

  28. Edie Lazenby edie says:

    Well…a little speechless, and you should know that''s rare….I wll see the comments are….???? Interesting on the whole….

  29. Laura says:

    OMG, WTF, LOL and all that jazz…..loved every single syllable….rock on Waylon.

  30. Naomi says:

    Waylon…I love this article…Its important to address hypocrisy and how better to do it than with humour. I laughed and laughed and laughed. No where in the yoga community do I see people speaking up about what is wrong. As a former journalist I found myself adrift in the yoga community surrounded by unrealistic people who never held in depth conversations about anything other than chanting, spirituality and love. Wonderful topics if their actions also matched up with their idealism. In my teacher training my head teacher spent time trying to sleep with students. He was a sexy young guy and very appealing who obviously was trying to maximise his time to the best of his ability. When I spoke up about this I was vilified (my first introduction into the power of the rockstar yogi). In Australia I spoke up about a studio owner who subtly bullied teachers both in writing and in person and I had my character disparaged (by the studio owner). I was shocked at how teachers did not step forward to right wrongs but talked about how karma would fulfil its purpose instead. The yoga community needs to be regulated not just in terms of the teacher trainings but an answerable body to which teachers can refer if yogic standards are not being met. Not just in the studio and on the mat but also in business practise and treatment of teachers. This is not a judgement but an assessment of an expanding industry aiming to be professional and profound at the same time. The impact of yoga on a human being is extraordinary as you are dealing with emotions, physicality and emotional psychology. Isn't it a right to be angry about hypocrisy? And not just angry but also to act; like writing an article on a public forum? And to be angry in a way that is powerful; to generate discussion, bring awareness and engender change? And maybe its not even anger, but simply an observation and a very human response to share that with others. My truth, your truth, isn't it just a pleasure to communicate ideas and look at issues in an intellectual way that nuts out the root of the problem and seeks a way to change it as well? I love Elephants writing…and all other articles good and bad, it all needs to be said:)

  31. Tergali says:

    Full of true!

  32. Natasha says:

    YES! I feel so much better now.

  33. Jilly says:

    Hmmn. Twice I have tried to post a comment that perhaps the writer thinks there are no good rich people, or nothing good about rich people, or that all rich people are a**holes.

  34. Jessie says:

    The videos have made my day! Hilarious!

  35. Emily Alp emilyalp says:

    ca to the thar to the tic … ahhh all balanced out!

  36. Cheri Elizabeth says:

    Oh man, this made me laaaaaaugh!! Thank you. Namaste. :D

  37. Maeve says:

    Love this. Love, love, love this.

  38. Scott Robinson YesuDas says:

    Kelly: "*unlived* spirituality"–that hits the nail on the head! It isn't teaching that attracts people, but teachers; if a teacher has really lived the spirituality he/she dishes out, people will profit by it; if not, it doesn't matter how "wise" it all is. As the Quaker Abolitionist John Woolman put it, “All the faithful are not called to the public ministry; but whoever are, are called to minister of that which they have tasted and handled spiritually.”

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