Hey, Where’s my Enabler?

Via on Aug 8, 2011

domesticity, housewife

After years of therapy, meditation, and personal growth work I have come to see that I am an “enabler.”

I pathologically put my own needs aside in order to keep my partners happy, satisfied, fed, groomed, and tended to. I make excuses for them when they are late, cover for them when they are offensive, overlook when they forget things, and speak glowingly of them to others no matter how many times they have stood me up. I do this, of course, as an indirect (and ineffectual) way to get my own needs met by having a “good” relationship.

Dr. David Schnarch points out that, since over-functioning doesn’t actually help us or our partners, we are in fact “DIS-ablers.” He quickly and wisely adds: “But who is going to come to a ‘disablers’ support group?”

I work with individuals, couples, and groups, and I find that women in particular often come in to work on their relationship issues. They all seem to be disablers too, even the ones in same-sex relationships. One woman in my group said that she had kept a log of how many hours she had helped her boyfriend do such tasks as gardening, cleaning and fixing up his house. His debt load of hours to her is now in the thousands.

Another woman in a same-sex relationship longed for her partner to “grow up” and take responsibility for her behavior. Meanwhile, she admitted that she “mothers” her partner, catering to her every emotional need. Although she sees how she contorts herself to keep her partner as stress-free as possible (even as she reports wanting her partner to “grow up”), she finds herself unable to stop.

And, as recently as yesterday, I watched myself reply automatically and without regard to my own train of thought, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” to my sweetheart when he interrupted me.

I am starting to wonder if there are any women out there who don’t count themselves as enablers.

So now I have two questions. First, how can we stop engaging in this self-defeating and frankly insulting behavior that serves neither us nor our partners? And second, if at least half the population consists of over-functioners, where can I get one?

man in kitchenIn fact, I could really use someone to spend a few thousand hours cleaning my house, filling the tank in my car, balancing my check book, planning vacations, and telling me very gently that “everything will be okay,” while stroking my head as I stress out over my finances.

It seems only fair that, having served as the emotional bedrock for my partners for the past 22 years, I am entitled to a few decades of pampering. I think it could even be a positive emotional development for me to devolve for a while. This personal growth shit is exhausting — and expensive. Let me tell you, trying to be more emotionally and spiritually mature so as to be the quintessential peaceful, well-adjusted mother and partner takes its toll after a while.

In fact, I am looking forward to throwing a few fits and letting my sweetheart sort them out, as he silently wonders how he may have caused them. I envision his musings as he questions whether he has been kind and accommodating enough, and looks deeply into what might be wrong with him that has caused my bad behavior. And, as he perseverates about his short-comings and rationalizes my tantrums, he could make me sandwiches, pick up the kids and plan my next birthday party.

feather duster man

I will even enjoy his going on long retreats and self-improvement workshops. I can see him now coming home and bestowing on me copious amounts of unearned wisdom — like dangling perfectly ripened grapes into my open and eager mind. And, more importantly, he will return with a renewed bank of inner peace and endurance to better fulfill my infantile needs.

Although it may be true that it is insulting for disablers to continue their neurotic and self-destructive behaviors, and their partners may indeed become crippled and infantalized as a result, I am not sure that it works the other way around. That is, it could be quite illuminating for a self-centered narcissist to take a turn at service, while a seasoned disabler might also benefit from letting it all hang out once in a while.

I realize now that ceasing to disable my partner, as well as finding an enabler of my own, could both be accomplished by one simple change in my behavior.

That is, becoming less sensitive to others while demanding more. This way, enablers will naturally flock to me, sensing that their self esteem can be immediately (if briefly) lifted by serving my ego. Applicants unsuited for the job will discover quickly that this is outside their purview and perhaps go on to find enablers of their own. It may be as simple as switching my relational “current” from a minus to a plus, and watching the ensuing mayhem as others rearrange themselves around me.

In fact, Byron Katie says that she would question any thought that keeps her from doing what she wants to do. She says that if she thought she needed something she would ask 99 people, and if they all said “no,” she would ask the 100th person. If everyone said “no,” she would ask the only one who was left: herself.

I am banking on the fact that more than one in a hundred people is a hardcore disabler and will be happy to meet my demands. And even if I should fail in my quest, I will still be relieved of 50% of my job description simply by flipping my relational current — not to mention the scads of time and money I will save now that I no longer have to try to improve myself.

My astrology teacher told me 15 years ago that my “north node is in Aries,” which supposedly means that I was put on this earth to become more impulsive, sexual, confrontational, and self-centered. I responded with horror: “You mean that my high destiny is to become an asshole?”

Now, I’m starting to think that maybe she was right.

(by Kristin Luce)

About Kristin Luce

Kristin Luce is slowly going sane by using her actual life and relationships to wake up. Her quest for truth has led her through a B.A. in Philosophy, an M.A. in Buddhist Psychology, intensive retreat practice, certification as a Meditation Instructor, two life-changing relationships and two life-changing kids. She now provides in-depth coaching for individuals and couples who want profound and dramatic transformation. An avid writer, she has been featured in such publications as Mothering Magazine and The Buddhadharma, and is a regular contributor to elephant journal. Friend her on Facebook, Twitter, her website or contact her at info@kristinluce.com.

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31 Responses to “Hey, Where’s my Enabler?”

  1. Goli says:

    Thank you for the BrRilLiAnT and deliciously honest and funny article. very much. very very much. i'm gluing it to my forehead.

  2. Skip says:

    Love your articles, Kristin!

  3. Dan says:

    Wow, there are women who actually work to meet men's needs? Where can I find one of those? I guess I'm an enabler too! ;)

  4. KristinSLuce says:

    LOL. You are giving great support to my hope that it's NOT just women (in which case I might get a "turn") ;-)

  5. Daphne says:

    Thanks for sharing this article – really enjoyed it and enjoy reading your articles.

  6. Sylvia says:

    I loved it. Perfect for me to hear right now, given my current inquiry!

  7. Grace says:

    Fantastic!!!

  8. Lisa says:

    I have been coming into more balance with the divine enabler and the sacred narcissist. My husband shouldn't be delivering a fresh omlette and coffee in bed. Is that true? Ahhhhhhhh! Breakfast is here! Thanks Kristin!"

    • KristinSLuce says:

      I really like "divine enabler and the sacred narcissist"! I love when I give honestly, fully and with an open heart. I think that it's the sacred narcissist in me that needs more work ;-) Glad you are honoring yours, though enjoying your breakfast in bed!

  9. Misa says:

    Absolutely true, and exactly what I needed to read.

  10. Penelope says:

    Kristin Im pretty sure David Schnarch recommends standing on your own two feet (while staying connected in relationship) as a solution, rather than finding someone to enable for you. I would suggest that there are co-dependents all over the world who would caution you about your "reversal" approach. I know you say it was a joke but you spent so much time on it it seems like you think it has a grain of truth. What if you tried meeting your own needs instead of (or as well as) your partner's, what then?

    • KristinSLuce says:

      Yes, you articulate Dr. Schnarch's view accurately, from my understanding of his work. My article is an exaggerated look at the reversal of what I have been doing, showing myself (and you, the reader) how absurd my strategy has been. For example, I thought that my behavior was creating a "good" relationship (and fortunately I only believed that for 21 years).

      The "grain of truth" you mention is also correct, I AM interested in staying in my own business (Byron Katie language) and "holding on to myself" (David. Schnarch language), and letting the chips fall where they may. And that, to my conditioned mind, is "being an asshole." I love that my current sweetheart *does* look at himself, rather than demanding or blaming me. He does so honestly, without enabling, and shows me a new way.

      Lastly, I did publish a humorous piece on just what you suggest (meeting my own needs), URL below. Although my writing is satirical I, like many of us, am genuine in calling myself out, learning how to hold onto myself, and be available to those whom I love.

      Thanks for your thoughtful comments. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/all-i-real

  11. Dale says:

    Your writing rocks! If I did not know you I would want to meet you just because of your writing style. And of course the same holds true since I do know you. ;)

  12. ARCreated says:

    Love it…. you know what's the most awesome? when two enablers come together and SHARE!! that's where my husband and I are and we "serve" each other ;)

  13. Elizabeth says:

    I love it! You are so awesome Kristin!

  14. anonymous says:

    Life changing story and I m grateful for it. I m in the process of the shift…but this article is bringing so much clarity. Looking forward the next one!!

  15. anonymous says:

    Your writing rocks! If I did not know you I would want to meet you just because of your writing style. And of course the same holds true since I do know you.

  16. Dale says:

    Poignant, insightful, humorous, deep, light . . . it totally works for me consistently.

  17. Jay says:

    awesome. you must be a enneatype 2. :)

  18. Laura says:

    You are a delightful writer!

  19. Mark says:

    That was very funny!

  20. Mary Beth says:

    Really liked this, Kristin, but was reminded of the "Real Housewives" series… ;

  21. John says:

    Just read this. Awesome

  22. Rene says:

    Great! Get what you came for.

  23. Nona says:

    SUPERB!!! Thanks so much for this! I'm wondering how I might apply this in *my* life ;-)

  24. Sophia says:

    As yes, I agree that it is the duty of gals like us to become assholes! I am committed to it. I had just recently decided to get a t-shirt with BITCH on the chest. I will consider it an honor to be called a Bitch from now on and I think that you can relate.
    Thanks for sharing, great read.

  25. BobR says:

    This is wild. I love it.

  26. [...] the Full Article at Elephant Journal This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. ← Living a Legendary [...]

  27. DavePimentel says:

    How would relationship look – without a "me" to play the role of star or support staff – as a way of feeling good and/or getting needs met? If every moment was perceived as "relationship" between this awareness that is "doing the noticing" and whatever is coming into the field of awareness – and the only goal was to make the exchange fun and beautiful – what then?

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