The 3 steps to profound healing (of your broken heart, bones, spirit).

Via on Sep 28, 2011

“He who saves one man saves mankind”

I bleed.

My heart bleeds out into the lonely night, and only the yearning for daylight; only the memory of a better day gives me hope…

I’m a healer. I work as a therapist, I counsel people, and I heal their wounds (mostly emotional, but also physical). I didn’t ever desire to do this. I tried to do many things, but never this…

When it came on me though, I knew it was my calling. I’m passionate about it.

Healing is the simplest, most natural thing in the world. There are just 3 simple steps that you have to take to heal almost anything.

Of course, not everything can be healed; but most things that are thought incurable can be.

And these are the 3 steps:

1.   Take responsibility for it.

Whatever the problem, it’s your problem. Own it. It’s yours. Not anyone else’s.

Even though you may have thought in the past that it was someone else’s fault.

Even if you wanted it to be someone else’s problem.

It isn’t. It wasn’t.

It’s yours, and yours alone.

Own it.

Face it.

Imagine that this problem is (literally) in your hands. Hold it up before your eyes and look into it deeply. This belongs to you alone. You alone can let it go.

But first, you must own it.

When you have taken responsibility you no longer blame others; and you no longer run away from the problem.

You know that you are responsible for your own change.

Quite often people call me and ask if I can help their partner / parent / friend. I have learnt to say ‘no’ in those situations. If that person had taken responsibility, they would be calling me themselves. If they haven’t taken responsibility, I can’t help them. Neither can you.

You cannot make people change.

2.   Find the cause of the problem.

This is not so hard as it may seem, but it’s not as easy as step 3. It’s not as hard as step 1 though.

Most people don’t make it past step 1. You should know that. If someone comes to me having taken step 1 (having taken responsibility for their problem) then I can almost always help them. And when they do come, I have the utmost respect – because I know what it takes to come to that point. It takes humility, and dignity, and courage. It takes being real. Most people don’t have that courage, and that’s why the world is in the state it is in…but more of that in a moment.

To find the cause of the problem, there is a very simple formula. Trace the problem (to use the analogy of a tree) to its roots. The topmost branches of the problem are in the head. The outermost symptoms are in the head (thoughts, beliefs, idea). The trunk of the problem is the heart (emotions). The roots are in the gut (deeper feelings of trauma, stress, fear, etc)… and the cause is a reaction to those deep feelings of trauma. The reaction is a survival instinct.

Ask the question “how does this problem make me feel?” And then keep on asking that question until you come to the deepest feeling. Then ask yourself: “When I feel that deepest feeling, what do I want to do?”

The answer will be a survival instinct – almost all of our problems are rooted in our survival instincts.

There are exceptions to this rule – secondary gain is the most common one.

But if you clear the secondary gain (the process is almost identical to the one outlined above) then very often the problem falls away immediately.

3: Heal the cause.

This is so easy as to be almost ridiculous.

Yes, that’s right. Healing is easy.

Taking responsibility is hard. Finding the cause is a little tricky, but when you know how, it’s pretty easy too. But healing the root cause of almost all our problems (gut-based survival instincts) is a doddle.

The cause of the problem is a subconscious blockage. To be specific, the blockage is a subconscious association between safety / survival and an instinct (either fight, flight, or freeze).

So if the nature of the problem is that it is subconscious, we heal it by simply making it conscious.

You see, our essence is pure consciousness. Light.

The blockage is like a shadow.

In the same way that you can remove a shadow by simply throwing light on it, you heal the subconscious blockage by bringing the light of your awareness to it.

This is mindfulness in action, and the power of it cannot be overstated.

When I heal a client’s blockage, I bring us both into a state of presence (here and now), and we acknowledge the blockage.

Our combined awareness (the light) bearing down on the blockage (shadow) makes it simply disappear.

The blockage is like an uninvited guest. When he is discovered, he leaves promptly. He is in fact waiting to be discovered, and wants to leave. He has a guilty conscience. He doesn’t belong there.

What belongs there is pure consciousness. When the blockage is removed, pure consciousness flows through the space again naturally, spontaneously and joyfully.


This is the most important thing in the world! There is no issue more urgent. Nothing is more worthy of your attention, time, and energy.

The world is in the state it’s in because mankind is motivated unconsciously by survival instincts. In one word: fear.

We behave the way we do as a species (war, abuse, greed, hypocrisy, corruption) not because we are innately bad. On the contrary, we are innately good – our essence is goodness, or God-ness (“made in the image of God”).

However, our innate goodness has been tainted by the very thing that makes us so intelligent. Our higher thinking. Somewhere along the line human beings forgot how to quickly and easily release trauma (wild animals do it naturally). We instead learnt to hold on to our trauma. And those instincts that helped us to survive the trauma stayed locked in place – permanently switched on.

So our lives became ruled by subconscious tendencies towards fighting (conquer, destroy, kill, argue, conflict, win, etc); flight (hide, run away, escape, remain passive, etc); and freezing (numbness, paralysis, stiffness, lock-down, tightening up, etc).

This is why you may be a highly evolved, spiritual person, but have health, emotional, or psychological problems. Because there is something in your subconscious that trips you up and interferes with your essential nature from expressing itself naturally.

It all comes down to survival instincts.

When enough of us heal these blockages, I am sure there will be peace on earth, because peacefulness is the natural inclination of life. War is an aberration, like murder.

Death, killing, sickness – these are not aberrations – they are natural and necessary aspects of life. But war, murder, corruption and abuse are the consequence of un-released and un-healed traumas.

We have the tools to forge a new society, a new earth, a new humanity.

Healing ourselves is the ultimate environmental activism.

It is a political act.

It is an expression of Ahimsa (non-violence) and Satya (truthfulness) and compassion.

Let us heal ourselves and each other.

Let us heal the global heart that is bleeding and crying out for us to stop abusing ourselves.

Please share this widely. You can use the social media buttons on this page; or email the link to people you know. And leave a comment.


Open Up to Healing.

The 4 Universal Healing Salves.

About Ben Ralston

Ben Ralston almost joined the army when he was 18. When he was 32 he almost became a Swami. *** Now he is a healer, Reference Point Therapy teacher, and advanced Yoga instructor in the Sivananda tradition . His work as a healer acknowledges trauma as the underlying cause of almost all human problems, and resolves trauma at the causal level: gut-based survival instincts. The intention behind all his work is to empower others. *** Ben splits his time between his busy international practice, training therapists, and writing. As an experienced Yoga and Meditation teacher he also runs retreats, usually on the beautiful Croatian coast. *** Connect with Ben on Facebook. Read more of his writing on his new website with integrated blog! Yes, he's excited about that :)


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118 Responses to “The 3 steps to profound healing (of your broken heart, bones, spirit).”

  1. Angela says:

    Definitely saving a copy of this.

  2. fido123 says:

    I feel that I have a disconnect between my thought and my being. I think I might be schizoid. I think I see many of my problems for what they are, and there are many of them. I don't know how taking responsibility plays into that. I'm stuck trying to portray one thing for society while being another thing for myself. How do I become someone who I am not, or I could do the opposite, be someone who is not functional in the world. I waffle between the 2 so often. Most of my life feels meaningless.

    • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

      Fix it. All is within. You have the power – and it is your birthright – to feel happy and to live meaningfully.
      No one can do it for you. So take responsibility, and commit yourself to the search for happiness and meaning.
      I did that once (made that decision). It was well worth it :)

  3. Andrea says:

    Hi Ben,

    I resonated and connected to almost all of what you wrote here and am glad to see this frame of healing becoming a more public discourse. The one thing that distracted me from your overall message was that you more than once refer to yourself as healing others wounds rather than facilitating their own healing process for themselves. Given the point about taking responsibility for one’s own wounds, this seems contradictory. I’m wondering if you might be open to rewording your role?

    • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

      Hi Andrea,
      Thanks for the comment, which is accurate. But as a writer I have to sometimes not care about being too literal. And as a healer, I have to also call myself something! It's an unfortunate thing that we don't have a better word – I've thought about it a lot. I'd rather call myself "facilitator of healing" or something, but it doesn't work does it?!

  4. Abby says:

    Wonderful Article!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

  5. Yolanda says:

    Thank you for this. As a therapist I can relate. As a human being I have lived this. I’m still living this!

    All ‘healing’ happens during the journey from separation to oneness. The ME taking responsibility is a form of acknowledging the idea of separation in relation to myself. Finding the cause is acknowledging the idea of separation in relation to the outside world. The healing is seeing there really is no separation. Seeing pure consciousness that is all.

  6. Tammy says:

    I just dont know if its possible….so much abuse stuffed down inside im afraid to open it up…

  7. Lauren says:

    It took reading the article several times, over the last day or so, to let this sink in. It took fixating on what I wanted to let go of. But, all of a sudden, I’m breathing a sigh of relief. This, in itself, is probably the best self-help item I have ever read. And its beautifully simple. Thank you for what you do. You help people. And you’re doing what I aspire to do. Namaste.

  8. Stephanie Fill says:

    Hello Ben

    Thanks for the wonderful article. I’ve shared it on.

    However, one thing which I feel strongly about is the opening, framing quote – HE who saves one MAN saves MANkind. It goes beyond wars and murder… it’s about the earth and connection to the feminine… The balance being restored in energy is vital, and these details in language of course are important. This old, patriarchal style of english communication, assuming that the word ‘Man’ can refer to any person, is significant – and not helpful.

    Perhaps you are aware of this already and had your reasons on the internet vehicle of sharing, in the highly patriarchal world we are inundated in, and perhaps it’s an appropriate tactic, however I felt it needed to be expressed.

    Thank you again for the otherwise really nice communication.


  9. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Thank you Temple, that means a lot to me.

  10. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Thanks Heather, for sharing, and I'm glad you get it.
    It's true – trauma is the cause of 90% of these blockages, although I didn't want to go into that in the article. Our own trauma, and more importantly, ancestral trauma, which lingers in our bodies cellular memory.
    The revolution is coming… I feel it.

  11. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    First, let me just say that I have no real experience, nor am I qualified, as a grief counsellor.

    This is a very difficult one, because the issue of 'responsibility' suddenly becomes much more complex.
    Your friend is not responsible for her husbands actions, even though it's inevitable that she will feel so.

    She is however responsible for her own grieving, and the pain of that grief is hers alone. In my experience a certain time is needed to process the loss. And it's difficult to say how long, because it depends on many things. However, I think that sometimes people grieve too long and too hard…

    There can be a secondary gain to grief – the loneliness is eased by the sympathy, attention and so on that the bereaved gets from friends, family etc.

    I don't really know what advice to give you except that it's a tough one.
    One thing I would probably do is talk to her about death and what happens. But I can't really advise you how to do that – because I don't know. I would explain about my experience with death and loss and grief, and offer some perspective (as you say).

    I have found that the most comforting thing one can say to someone in that position is that in death, only the body dies – so the one who has died has in many ways become free. But that's also difficult, because some people don't want to hear it, so it comes back to the individual and the particular circumstances.

    At the end of the day, there is very little you can do for someone in your friends position. Ask her how she feels, and guide her through the deeper feelings, that will help.

    As I say – I'm not a grief counsellor. I wish I could help more.

  12. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Hi Fraggle,
    Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry that you felt I overreacted – I didn't, I just wanted to point out that killing (violence) and sickness are actually natural, ubiquitous parts of life as a whole (as opposed to only human life).

    I take your point. However, my long experience researching and experimenting with diet has told me that veganism is not the answer to any global problems (even human only problems). I do agree that it is a noble, dignified choice. I also agree that for many people it's a very good personal choice that will benefit their health, whilst at the same time benefitting billions of our cousin animals worldwide, and also benefitting the environment. I wrote an article about it called "The 3 reasons to give up meat (and 1 not to)" Google it and you'll find it.

  13. missbernklau says:

    The Revolution is definitely coming, I can feel it in my chest! :)

    I never really thought about the ancestral trauma and how that would live on in our DNA…it makes sense, we're all energy and energy can neither be created or destroyed.

    Much love!

  14. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Yes. it's one of the reasons why trying to Heal past lives is a total waste of time.
    I am going to have to write an article about that…

  15. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    "Everyone's doing it!"
    I live for that day too :)
    It's coming…

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