I write this again in the throes of insomnia that seem to just plague me until I force my thoughts onto paper.
These are the hours in which I wish I had more, more energy coursing through me to dance or sing, but I often stare out into the night from my porch typing whimsical longings and nonsensical nonsense.
I have felt my world rise and expand lately reaching forward toward knowing something more, the simplicity of these things bring me so much joy, I have vowed to be present with people. I find it a lost art, one that yields such a different experience altogether. I am not perfect, but I am trying to be better.
About a month ago when I did this cleanse it forced me into doing this, I went to my friends house and she worked on her ceramics, I painted, and we talked. We didn’t just talk, we took turns pondering and listening. The next day I felt that we both left each other knowing something special had taken place. A silence and respect for our friendship and for each others company.
The most magical times in my life have been the ones of human connection where you are both understood, where you have stripped away all the bullshit and you are so excited someone else has let their walls fall, it creates this spark inside me where I have renewed faith in people, in human connection.
This is what makes me feel alive and not so alone, I think it is what a large portion of the world is lacking right now, with all this technology all these things to bring us closer together, we have forgotten the ones right in front of us.
Sometimes you get a moment, sometimes you get a night, or a few weeks, or a lifetime, I value any time with someone when you can truly look at each other and feel safe in the confines of that person to be totally and utterly honest and real.
I often think about this, I have this sort of file in myself of moments where something someone said moved me, sometimes if they had not said that perfect thing at that time it would have changed the course of my life, sometimes it was a five minute conversation with someone on a bus, but we are constantly affecting each other.
People are powerful. Words are powerful. Your presence in this daily life is powerful.
You never ever know where someone is at, and how important we all are to each other in this way.
I value this beyond so many things in my life, to do this is giving the other person the utmost respect, you are saying “here I am fully present with you, you are what is important right now” if you are texting and talking on the phone and watching television well it isn’t the same.
This is something I have really tried to do with my daughter and I have seen our relationship transform so drastically when I sit with her and give her my full attention and really talk with her, make projects with her. To see her light up inside at the excitement of such small things in something that moves me so deeply.
Starting school this year was my biggest challenge in this, just mentally making myself concentrate on one thing, just one at a time, breaking it up and solving it. Like welding, which like most things takes on this metaphor for life for me, how in the beginning I was so afraid every time I would hesitate or bring fear into it something would happen, or when I let my mind stray, but when I worked slowly, turning this flame into a tiny dance, this blue little flame that requires such perfect timing you can think of nothing else, this is when it all came together in this silver clean line.
I remember the moment and I just knew I had gotten it right. These days I am thankful for the people in my life who really make the time to be there, really to be there with me. I tend to isolate myself in books and writing and just living on this little island out the middle of the Pacific.
I have so many places I want to see and taste and touch and feel, immerse myself in every tactile sensation, I have so much love to give and so much I want to express. There are so many ways I see the world, the more i know and learn, for instance the other day I saw everything in shapes and angles.
From a welders point of view, sometimes I see the world in poetry, sometimes I see it in photographs, I look at other people and wonder how they are seeing the world.
Anais Nin wrote this beautiful simple quote:
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
I wake up lately just so grateful for it all. Life isn’t always beautiful. Sometimes it is so heartbreaking and sometimes it’s awkward and messy and you have to choose battles. Sometimes people do really shitty things, I know I have.
I know we are all human. But I also know in between all that there are just such poignant moments of beauty that I can’t even fathom, I just want to be awake for them fully present. I have come to this sort of content place, like kisses on the back of your neck, or feeling the elation of understanding, like the riding of a wave, or the discovery of music that made my heart stop.
I suddenly felt this release in a way that I had never known. because I wasn’t wanting anymore, I wasn’t searching for it through someone else. I just found the beauty on my own. There are many things that go through my mind a day about the world at large, sometimes it seems so immense like it’s all too much… But it’s all pretty simple.
I just want to do my best to be humble, to treat the people in my life with respect, to live a healthy full life, to make sure I raise my daughter right, to love and be loved all the same, to travel this world and to live in my moment each and every day and just to be fucking happy.
Editor: Hayley Samuelson
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. Reading This Takes Guts. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD.