Walking The Sex Dog. ~ Lori Ann Lothian

Via on Mar 21, 2012

Exercising your man’s libido.

He wants sex, again. “Didn’t we just have sex a couple of nights ago” you ask. His reply says it all: “Actually, we had sex five days, two hours, six minutes and thirty seconds ago.”

Why is it that to men, sex seems to be an insatiable desire? And more importantly, why is it that when sex is not happening at a predictably regular interval, men become grumpy, distant, and lets face it, sulky?

I pondered these questions after dropping my daughter off to school one morning, feeling frustrated because although I love my sex life, I don’t need a lot of it. Once or twice a week would probably be my baseline for satisfaction, yet mid-cycle (roughly the twelve to fourteen day mark after my period) my hormones crave sex twice a day—and conversely, in the prickly downturn from that peak, (don’t touch me please) zero sex would suit me just fine.

This pondering was motivated by the man in my life informing me, yet again, that we are not having enough sex. Even though he couches the issue in words like “connection” and “intimacy” I know that what he is probably not admitting to himself is that sex is his inroad to those feelings.

I read once that men need sex to feel intimate, and women need intimacy to feel sexual.

Yet I don’t know if this last part is true, at least for me. I often need rest and a way to downwind (a bath, a massage, a vacation) to get in the mood for sex. But I am as good as any guy when it come to just having sex for the fun of it, without feeling particularly intimate first. Just relax me and I am good to go.

I don’t think I am too far off from most women here, as I recount the many tales girlfriends have shared about getting turned on while lying on the massage table. When we women let go of our to-do list, we sigh into our sensuality, and this then nourishes our sexual receptivity.

As for intimacy—that closeness for me is not measured by sexual frequency, but by how well we communicate as a couple in sexual and non-sexual encounters. How unimpeded is the flow of understanding between us? How well does he listen when I am brave enough to share my fears? And how willing is he to hold me when I am fragile enough to cry? Or to forgive and forget when I rant at him in a brittle moment of PMS-induced anger? I feel close and connected when I am met in those moments by a strong masculine presence that does nothing more than be there.

It has taken me thirty years of sex to finally admit to myself that men are simply more sexually driven, and that it is not my “lack of desire” that is an issue. I am not surprised that literature supports my personal research. And I quote, from Personality and Social Psychology review, 2001, volume 5, number 3, this handy evidence from intrepid researchers Baumeister, Catanese and Vobs (one man and two women, in case you’re wondering):

“Across many different studies and measures, men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women, as reflected in spontaneous thoughts of sex, frequency and variety of sexual fantasies, desired frequency of sexual intercourse, desired number of partners, masturbation, liking for various sexual practices, willingness to forgo sex, initiating verses refusing sex, making sacrifices for sex, and other measures. No contrary findings (indicating stronger sexual motivation among women) were found. Hence we conclude that male sex drive is stronger than female sex drive.”

I could rest my case, but of course every woman already knows this. What we don’t know is what to do about it.

Should we capitulate to sex-on-demand no matter how tired, disinterested or preoccupied we are? Is it feasible to bodily surrender to our man’s higher sex drive to keep the peace? Or is that in essence, prostitution: providing sex as a bargain for something else.

I am not the first and I won’t be the last woman to wrestle with this dilemma. But on the way home from my daughter’s school I had an ah-ha moment that put the whole situation in a laughable but user-friendly framework.

What if regular sex for a man is the equivalent of regular walks for a dog?

As a dog owner, I know that I often look at walking the dog as an obligation and sometimes even (in rain and sleet) an ordeal. Yet I dutifully do it because I know my dog loves me for it, and beyond that, needs it.  And when I neglect to walk the dog, I pay for it in an ill tempered, pent up animal that is as unhappy as I am with its behavior.

I know, men are not dogs exactly (sorry guys, but if the analogy fits, wear it),  yet this is the best perspective I have come up with in all of these years dealing with gender difference in terms of sex drive.

Instead of resist and fuss, I have decided to simply walk the sex dog. And hey, after all, I’m a good sport and sex is good exercise. My man is happy and I’m burning at least a few calories every time I just say yes.

~
Editor: Jennifer Cusano

Lori Ann Lothian is the creator of the popular The Awakened Dreamer blog (http://theawakeneddreamer.com) which hit the stands following an overnight Enlightenment Episode that revolutionized her sex life and destroyed any chance at ever being miserable again. Lori Ann lives in Vancouver, Canada, where she has learned to transcend the rain and surrender to mega doses of vitamin D

(Photo by Michael Julian Berz)

 

 

 

 

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About Lori Ann Lothian

Lori Ann Lothian is a spiritual revolutionary, divine magic maker and all-purpose scribe. She writes about love, relationships, enlightenment and even sex, at Huffington Post, Good Men Project, Yoganonymous, Origin magazine, Better After 50 and on her hit personal blog The Awakened Dreamer. She is also a senior editor at the online magazine, The Good Men Project, where she founded Good for the Soul, a section dedicated to the exploration of men and spirituality. Lori Ann lives in Vancouver, Canada, with her husband and daughter, where she has learned to transcend the rain and surrender to mega doses of vitamin D. Tweet her at Twitter or friend her on Facebook at Facebook.

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10 Responses to “Walking The Sex Dog. ~ Lori Ann Lothian”

  1. DavidCates says:

    You're right on target! I've been telling women for years that men are easy to train as dogs. (In fact, I'm co-teaching a teleclass on that right now.)

    Funny thing is, when I use the dog analogy with women audiences, they tend to cringe. But when I tell men, invariably they agree. "Yep, I'm pretty simple. Pet me, give me treats, and I'll love and protect you as loyally as a dog."

    Hey, it's your call. But I'm guessing any woman who can approach sex this simply will have her man's eternal devotion. You want passion? Start with his animal nature… and fine tune it from there. ;)

    • Thank you David for your thoughts. As a teacher of Deep Masculine your opinion interests me quite a bit. Some men have emailed me their discomfort about the dog-analogy, yet more men than not are saying YES to the simplicity of this view. I think we women sometimes loose touch with our own "let's just fuck" side. As you so well state, animal nature is a part of it and passion and soul as well. But mind blowing tantric moments are not the stuff of everyday walks :-)

  2. AXD says:

    Sorry but this is just too depressing! The best lovemaking is when both partners want it and are fully engaged one with the other. He's not a dog and he's not an animal – he's a lover. And to be a good one he needs to rein in his animal instincts (and I'm thinking of the jack rabbit here) and rise to a higher place where lovemaking is an art not just a jog on the beach.

    • Yes, I agree. You are preaching to a former tantrica. The piece is meant to address the dailyness, the domesticicty and the inevitable difference in male vs female sex drive (in general, not always of course). I'd like to know if you are a woman or man?

  3. 700stories says:

    wow, this is so not relatable lol. To each their own, certainly, but I love sex. My ex actually was the one to say "no I want to sleep" and I would just gawk at him.

    • Yes, there are many women who have higher libidos than men, and when i was in my early forties, I was perpetually in heat–it's also a known side-effect of the last hormonal hurrah before menopause, the biological last ditch chance to get pregnant. I can remember thinking, "holy shit, this must be what the testosterone other half feels like most of the time." I applaud your sex drive–which may or may not be hormonally driven. One of the most prevelant and corroisve issues in long term relationships (after the pair bonding lust wears off) is mis matched sex drives. Sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch addresses this in his book Intimacy and Desire, where he points out that the partner with the lower drive is the partner with all the power. If you are matched in sex drive overall with your partner, great, I am more curious how you feel over time in a long term relationship when YOU want sex more often than your man?

  4. Richard Hahn says:

    Yes on a purely physical level, we men could be compared to gods,I mean dogs. But it is really an oversimplification. You say that your partner talks about wanting to get closer and you say that that is a cloaked communication for lets screw. Is it?How do you know this until you enter the relationship a step deeper. What about the subject of who holds the power? That is where there is juice.
    The desire for sex is of the body but there is so much more of the mind and our humanity all mixed in. It is a tangled web. And I think that it is a web worth getting caught in to find the way through the mess. "Taking the dog for a walk" is a band aid for something else. Isn't there a deeper level of honesty and intimacy available that is seeded by the desire for sex?
    And to add, I know that I have used sex in the past to attempt to fill a hole that I felt deep inside.It is important to feel that and not run from it. That has been my learning. As a man I have nothing to give if I am avoiding myself and that sense of 'emptiness'. A woman can not fill this space.Nothing of this world can fill it. And although a passionate firelight fuck is great fun,that fire eventually goes out. And then…………..

    • Marion Baker says:

      Yes, this is certainly the ideal. When two hearts join, the sexuality of it is explosive. And when two people are both looking to use their relationship to take themselves to a place of greater connectedness, and sex and intimacy is one of those ways-amazing.
      What about in a case like mine where I am the only one on a spiritual path? Or in the case where no one is? I think people miss something when we only address our highest spiritual selves and we miss where we are on our human path.
      Besides, who said there was anything wrong with just having a good fuck once in awhile?
      Just sayin'.

  5. bo no bo says:

    I'm a bonobo, not a dog, but I think it's an insightful perspective. Have you read Sex at Dawn as well? Much to learn there too, but I mention it in reference to the more sporadic, but more intense (almost insatiable) moments for women alluded to above. One of the things I love about your perspective is its recognition of 'the need' independent of emotion in certain contexts of our respective (and varying) desires.

    Richard, of course its a tangled web, but the whole point of the piece was to say it doesn't always have to be.

    A Great Ape

  6. Funny and pointed article, that I discover just now, Lori.

    Hum, … I was imagining how happy I would be if I learned through an article that making love to me, my wife just walks the dog! :)
    More seriously I of course agree that men generally have more sex needs than women, and I think that most of couples come to a compromise on this. Women indulging sometimes when they don't feel the urge, and men (at least the clever and attentive ones) accepting to refrain when they know it's really unwelcome.
    Yet I think that two different things shouldn’t be confused. I think that a man will more easily put up with a lower frequency than the one he’d wish if at least he find a desire levelling his when intercourses actually happen. But if it’s not the case, believe me, what ever the frequency and how many “dog’s walks” he’ll have, he will go and search for a woman giving him back his desire.

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