“The Biggest Secret” for Great Sex. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf

Via on Jun 18, 2012

(Hint: Forget the Flowers, Toys and Eye-Gazing)

I was OMing (Orgasmic Meditation) a few days ago. During the OM, it felt as if there were an inch of waxy paraffin between his finger and my clit. An irritating voice arose:

Why the hell can’t he find me?
Why does my spot keep moving?
Why don’t my OMs feel like they used to?
Am I being annoying asking for all these adjustments?
What do I want?
What do I want!
What Do I Want?!

The OM ended, I shared a frame with a copious amount of over-politeness (lest my angry, ravenous beast come out and bite off this poor guy’s head) and I asked for another OM. It started off the same way: we felt incredibly far away from each other. I couldn’t quite name it, but I knew there was something I wasn’t fully admitting to myself. There was some pulsing, hungry truth locked up in a ballerina music box with pink ribbons and smiley faces.

Then I asked for him to move his finger a little lower and to nestle it into the lower pocket of my clit. And that’s when it hit me: Fucking. I wanted fucking. But not just any kind of fucking. I wanted seedy, sleazy, $20-whore-in-a-cheap-motel-who-gets-used-then-left-in-a-pile-by-a-Wall-Street-creep-who-cums-with-his-tie-on kind of fucking.

Oh. Well that’s a little confronting.

I mean, I’ve had some “naughty” sex in my life, but this was a little difficult to admit. Aren’t I a free-thinking woman who believes in equality of the sexes? Aren’t I soooooo advanced in my OM practice that I should be beyond the hunger for quick climax and heavy pressure? Shouldn’t I be working towards feeling the expanded subtlety of the lightest strokes?

But the evidence was clear. I couldn’t feel a thing until I acknowledged my desire: I wanted some nasty sex. In that moment, my pussy swelled with wet heat, I sucked him deeper into me and little electric hooks gripped onto each ridge of his finger.

We as a culture are so shamefully hungry to the point of secretly obsessing about sex. We surreptitiously Google search for the sexual holy grail: the perfect pill or the perfect position or the perfect toy to make her curl her toes or have him beg for more. But none of that will make a difference if you don’t have the courage to do the one thing that will light you up like nothing else:

Tell the Truth.

Let’s say someone you have a crush on is sitting right next to you. Connect with your body in that moment. Can you feel your heart beat faster and your palms sweat? Does the thought of telling this person that you want to kiss him/her make you feel like you are going to fly out of your body?

Or perhaps you’re in a relationship and you’ve had some fantasies of bringing home the secretary. Imagine sharing that desire with your partner. Can you feel the nervous, carbonated tickle of the hairs on your neck?

Or imagine that you are angry at someone and you are finally letting out all your unfiltered rage. Can you feel the heat in your face, the hammering in your chest and the swelling in your throat?

All of that heightened sensation is orgasm that can be used in any turned-on way you choose. Every time you admit the truth to yourself, you peel away another layer that is blocking intimacy.

Conversely, every time you withhold your desires or feelings, you are packing more rotting, unexpressed energy on top of your orgasm. Over time, each caked-on layer gets thicker and thicker and you have to work harder and harder to maintain the ruse that the solidified mask of lies is your truth. Eventually, you may even start to blame the people in your life for all that crap weighing you down.

This is at the heart of why relationships fail.

It’s not that the sex gets bad and then the relationship goes down the tubes. It’s actually the other way around. The relationship starts failing when we stop telling the truth, either out of laziness or fear of losing the person. When that happens, the first thing we run from is the exposed and highly volatile arena of sex. We make up excuses about why we can’t have it: too tired, too busy, not in the mood, have a headache, it’s not that important, we have different schedules, the kids exhaust us—we’ve heard them all (and have probably even used a few at some point).

It’s not until the years go by and we find ourselves on the brink of a desperate, sexual starvation that we then grasp on to anything to save the relationship. You can pile on as many romantic getaways, kinky toys and love-making classes you want. But unless you have the courage to speak your truth, you’ll just end up in a candle-lit beach bungalow, handcuffed to the bed and gazing into the eyes of someone you’ve been loathing for the past ten years. Nothing fundamental will change.

We have to learn to strip sex down to its barest essentials: me, the sensation in my body and my desire. That’s it. Once you’ve tapped into that, share it with someone. If that person doesn’t want to meet you there, let them go. They are not for you. If they are willing to play, treat them well—and continue to stay honest about your desire.

This is why whenever I am feeling disconnected sexually, I don’t rush to fix a “problem” or assign blame for why someone else is a crappy lover. I slow down and ask myself the questions: What am I running from? Where am I lying? What am I not admitting? As in the case with my OM, I wasn’t admitting the part of me that likes being a tacky, climax-driven, trashy whore. The moment I gave her permission to exist, my body flushed with orgasm.

The turn-on lies in the admission itself—in the moment of expressing desire. What happens afterwards is simply choice. I could go out and pay some douchebag for a lay (perhaps not the option for most, but if we are to work towards healing the shame around sex, we must hold all preferences and appetites with respectful equanimity). I could enroll a willing partner to play out the scene with me.

Or I could let the acknowledged desire sit in my body and carry it around as my happy little secret to brighten the day.

Once you admit your truth, sex becomes about abundance and exploration, rather than fear and hiding. Maybe you want to experiment with wielding a flogger—or perhaps you want to try celibacy—or maybe you’ve been dying to have sex to that one Michael Bolton song playing on the stereo. Either way, you have chosen to express yourself from a place of erotic authenticity.

So go on. Admit it. Remember, the truth will not only set you free—it also makes for great sex.

Bonus:  From Author’s Desire Playlist: Ben Harper singing ‘Dirty Little Lover’

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~

Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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About Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a performer and public speaker specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. She is also a former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follower her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube

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20 Responses to ““The Biggest Secret” for Great Sex. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf”

  1. Harvey Hyman says:

    Candice is right about the liberating effect of telling the truth. It works for orgasm and a lot of other things. Why don't truthfully acknowledge our needs (sexual and otherwise) more often?It's our damn culture of self-reliance. We feel it's shameful to admit that we have needs in the first place. In the second place we fear being judged for our needs. If I'm a person with an M.A. or a Ph.D. and an impressive job title it's going to be hard for me to admit I need to fuck or get fucked like a jackhammer in this culture. Aren't I supposed to be in-control? This constant suppression of the natural animal inside leads to everything from drug addiction/alcoholism to domestic violence and rape. We're not brains in glass cases. We are animals with consciousness that have bodily needs. Amen for Candice's honesty.

  2. Madeline (madgrooves) says:

    Hallelujah, Sister <3 So much insight in this and quite frankly it still amazes me that this is not the norm (even for most men). The Ben Harper video was a great idea too ;0) Very sexy, soulful, talented man right there, and I'll bet one hell of a lover too! Just sayin'…

    • Yeah, any man that's a musician definitely gets my vote…he must surely know how to care for and play a fine instrument such as a woman's body ;) Thanks for reading!!

  3. Rich K says:

    Candice,

    Thanks so much for all for your writing. I have been reading your articles on my journey of coming out. They have been amazingly helpful in guiding me to realizing and accepting my feminine energy as the dirty slut that she is! (BTW, I am using "dirty slut" in the most admiring of ways. I totally love that I want another man to fuck the ever-loving shit out of me. :)

    Thank you again and please keep these coming!

  4. KristinSLuce says:

    F*cking brilliant! Telling the in-the-moment-truth is the nakedest we ever get, and what is sexier than that? You are fast establishing yourself as the sex expert for modern times, and I deeply applaud you!

  5. Kelsie Dion says:

    I couldn’t quite name it, but I knew there was something I wasn’t fully admitting to myself. There was some pulsing, hungry truth locked up in a ballerina music box with pink ribbons and smiley faces.

  6. Tomas says:

    The search for truth will always take us home, in bed or at the polling place or in friendships. Our capacity to lie as a species is sending our culture down the drain and i mean everything from Fox news to Obama's inablility to tell it like it is. Climate change is the greatest challenge we face and we can't even talk about it much less do anything. Thanks for the nice clean, no bullshit writing and the courage to be who you are, Candice.

  7. 9lbsoflove says:

    I appreciate your writing so much…
    as usual it stirs up some fantastically juicy questions such as…
    can admitting a taboo desire prevent me from acting on it?
    if my objective in telling the truth is to make the desire smaller, will it backfire?
    what happens when shame around sex becomes a turn-on?
    where is that filthy man-who-cums-with-his-tie-on and why do I want a turn?
    -Thea

    • hah! good questions–one to ask is why do you want to diminish the desire or run from the taboo? And when shame around sex becomes turn-on, that's the best kind of alchemy! And where is that filthy guy…? When you find him, give me a call :)

  8. janeelephant says:

    Spectacular! Thanks for always making me think. And for working to help break the hold of the Puritanism that is always trying to keep us from living and loving our lives thoroughly. The deeper the honesty, the more thrilling and powerful the life.

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  10. jakephillips says:

    Me and my girlfriend use Adult Sex Toys. I got no problem about that. We even use this thing called 'wedge' and it's awesome. It is a wedge shaped piece of foam covered in velvet and its supposed to enhance different sexual positions. It really adds to the thrill for us both.

  11. Amy E says:

    Great article and…loved the video. All I'm going to say is that I know what I want and I'm NOT shy. I just repress everything all the time because, it has to mean something to me emotionally, and I haven't had a partner for too long. I surround myself with work and other socially acceptable excuses. Is it easy? NO! I would love to share this article with someone! Watch out!

  12. Thanks for reading!

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