When Bad Botox Happens to Good Yogis. ~ Michelle Marchildon

Via on Jun 5, 2012
Just a Pretty Face

This is a story about bad Botox and good yogis.

This could only happen to someone who believes that life is often about the Universe’s Plan.

I am a woman of a certain age who happens to own a magnifying mirror, also known as the devil’s handiwork. So lately I am noticing some things, nothing terrible, but just some things that a lifetime of downward facing dog has not erased. However, I am very wary about doctors, needles and parting with any significant money in my checking account.

The next scene is I am in the local pharmacy and the dermatologist has made a mistake on my son’s prescription. It isn’t big, it is just inconvenient. In fact, the doctor made this mistake before so I decide to quit being so yogi about it and say something. And guess what? The doctor apologized!

Then she said, and this is where the Universe comes in, “Would you like a free session of something or other,” and I said yes, because I didn’t even hear what she was offering, all I heard was “free.” And when the Universe offers you something, you should probably accept it. I learned this in yoga.

The next scene is I’m in my doctor’s office with a whole lot of numbing cream on my face and probably also in my brain which contributes to my complete lack of ability to think. In fact, I am speechless so I do not scream “oh mother-f-ing hell” from the pain. I am doing the breathing thing, Ujaii or controlled Pranayama, which I want to be clear: during childbirth or plastic surgery that shit does not work.

My doctor is there along with several other people in white coats. In fact, it was just like childbirth in that everyone looks very busy and no wants to notice that the patient is writhing in agony.  They are staring at my face and being very critical, like, “Oh this line is terrible, and this one will need Botox.”

An hour later I look in the mirror and guess who’s looking back at me—Goldie Hawn! Everyone said, don’t worry, the swelling will go down. And yes, the swelling went down and my face does indeed, look quite amazing even if it is still my face.

However, there is one side effect which is troubling and that is I cannot use my mouth. Seriously. My lips are not working. I cannot use a straw, I cannot drink from a water bottle, and there is a particular activity that is not possible which has my husband severely depressed (at last, a benefit!). Plus, I must hold my upper lip in place when I eat so food doesn’t fall out of my mouth. And I hold a napkin under my chin when I drink and dribble. All of which detracts from the charm of my new face.

What’s more, I am utterly unable to teach yoga. There are whole consonants I cannot say, such as Ps and Bs and Rs so the words “breath” and “practice” are completely out of the question.

Then it dawns on me, what was the Universe’s intention anyway by giving me this new face that comes with not being able to speak? Maybe it was finally to shut me up! Now that I am a victim of bad Botox, I think I will be more careful about what the Universe has in store for me next. Whatever it is, I just hope it’s free.

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~

Editor: Kate Bartolotta

About Michelle Marchildon

Michelle Berman Marchildon is the Yogi Muse. She’s an award-winning journalist, and the author of Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga. Her second book, Theme Weaver: Connect the Power of Inspiration to Teaching Yoga, is for yoga teachers who want to inspire their students. Michelle is a columnist for elephant journal and Origin Magazine and a contributor to Teachasana, My Yoga Online and Yoga Journal. She is an E-RYT 500 with Yoga Alliance and teaches in Denver, Co where she is busy raising two boys, two dogs and one husband. You can follow her on Facebook at Michelle Marchildon, The Yogi Muse. You can find her blog and website at www.YogiMuse.com. And you can take her classes on www.yogadownload.com.

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12 Responses to “When Bad Botox Happens to Good Yogis. ~ Michelle Marchildon”

  1. Annie Ory says:

    You're funny!
    I get botox regularly, have for years. I started after my husband died and my face was really showing my grief. Our facial expressions create feelings, as well as the other way around, and the botox helped me feel as if I could move on, when I was ready to. What I discovered was that the botox shots keep me from getting migraines. Over the years, when I've let my botox lapse, my migraines increase exponentially in number and severity.

    I have never had a problem like the one you describe, but I know enough about doctors' offices – my ex was a doctor – to tell you that the crowd you saw in your room was there to learn and that if they already knew what they were doing they would not have put botox near your mouth. Mouth lines need fillers, not botox. Botox is a numbing agent and there are places on the face which can be numbed without impacting our ability to use our faces for what faces are for, the mouth not being one of them. 3-6 months till it wears off. Try fighting it, in other words, force your face into the positions it doesn't want to go into in front of a mirror. You need to wake those muscles back up. And you didn't have plastic surgery love, you just got a few shots. They wouldn't have given you botox for free for messing up a prescription unless they REALLY needed to try it out on someone. Good luck with your face, and never take ANYTHING free from a doctor.

  2. Michelle Marchildon says:

    Thank you! I am trying to kiss or at least pucker up, and that doesn't work either. So, I am trying to make out with everyone I see. Or at least my dogs.

  3. Patty says:

    Hilarious! I can relate….

  4. Too funny and yet, not funny….I knew of one woman whose botox ended up with an eye that would not open for months. I am wary of putting a neurotoxic agent (botulism is deadly) under my skin, because the body of course absorbs this toxin, which can't be good for you over time if it's deadly when ingested. I'm waiting for the "liver" disease in twenty years that they figure out comes from 20 years of botox-ing women (and men). Finally, am I the only one who thinks Nicole Kidman's forehead looks like a flat screen TV?

  5. @zenzoneyoga says:

    Botox does not go in the lips… ouch!

  6. sarakimm says:

    I first became aware of you, Michelle, on KWB and I have to say that I am in love with you! You are hilarious.

  7. Michelle Marchildon says:

    Thanks all. I know, it's sort of not funny at all to have a toxic agent in my face that is not allowing me to eat, drink or kiss. Very unyogic. Only three more months until I'm wrinkley again.

  8. I must say my bit!

    Did the Dr know what he / she was doing? Were they experienced? I have been carrying out this treatment for years and have NEVER had such a result in a patient. Only go to the most reputable practitioners and do your homework before hand! Also… if it was free, there is that saying 'it looks too good to be true'

    All the best and keep posting. I love your posts, they are very entertaining!

    Regards

    Lisa Prescott

  9. [...] Are you already budgeting more money for therapy and Botox? [...]

  10. [...] I believed it was a sign from the Universe that I should either get this done, or stop looking in t… [...]

  11. Anjelica says:

    Thanks for this post. Before I read this article, I didn't know about botox. Now I understood this. Keep posting. thank you again.

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