The Nobility of Sex, Plus 7 Non-Sexual Tips (and 1 Video!) to Spice Up Your Sex Life. {NSFW} ~ Candice Holdorf

Via on Oct 22, 2012
http://www.flickr.com/photos/17006107@N00/2277196121
Photo: Lianne Viau

The Orgasmic Life

“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, and plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with the pornographic. But pornography is a direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling. Pornography emphasizes sensation without feeling.

~ Audre Lorde

Yup. You asked for it (even if you won’t admit it). Another article on everyone’s favorite topic: sex!

(End of snarky intro.)

I’ve noticed a trend on elephant journal these past few months of authors and readers decrying the popularity of more “salacious” and “fluffy” content and ruing the fact that “deeper” and “more meaningful” pieces often get overlooked.

I have also seen a number of people complain that all this talk of sex is empty if you don’t also mention love.

The argument goes that all you have to do is put up a picture of a scantily-clad woman, have a title promoting the “Three Easy Steps to Being a Mega Sex-Machine” and bandy about the words cock and pussy and BAM! Instant elephant hit.

Now look—as a sexuality writer, I will be the first one to roll my eyes at some of the schlock that gets published. All the tips and tricks to snag a husband, make her come like a volcano or lose weight so you aren’t a flabby troll who can’t even get laid by a blind man can actually be damaging, prey upon our cultural insecurity and push our sex back into the shadowy recesses of shame.

However, when my work (and the work of my very talented elephant peers) are linked to these complaints, I have to speak up. To question the journalistic validity of an article simply because there’s a “helpful” list or it focuses on sex or there’s only a video and little writing is not only blatantly arrogant—it’s downright insulting.

I’m truly sorry that every single piece on elephant journal doesn’t get the kind of attention it deserves. I have read and re-posted some gorgeous pieces that unfortunately got lost in the electronic fray. However, that is the nature of being an artist. We may create many, many pieces, but only one becomes a Guernica or a Mona Lisa.

In my opinion, I don’t think people are tired of hearing or talking about sex. In fact, I think we’re actually starving for frank, in-depth conversations about it. I think what people are tired of is sex-sationalism—that is to say, the titillating “tee hee hee” that sits on top of our own sexual shame, hunger and insecurity.

We get a “hit” when we Youtube search for various “wardrobe malfunctions” and pop-star lesbian make-outs (and no thank you, I do not need to see a busty woman when purchasing an automobile or deodorant). We become sex-crack junkies, opting for the quick fix in the syringe rather than making the more vulnerable choice of asking directly for the sex we want.

Also, many people tired of sex-sationalism are erroneously suggesting that sex is meaningless unless there is love attached. The assumption is that love is greater than sex and that sex simply for the pleasure of sex is somehow vacant.

Are you kidding me?

First, sex without love simply doesn’t exist. Love is everything. It’s in everything we do. We are love. It is impossible to escape it, whether you’re fucking, eating, pooping, walking, crying or writing. Our capacity to allow ourselves to feel it may fluctuate, but the truth of the matter is that love is the ineludible breath of orgasm. Even when we feel dead and disconnected from the world, love is there—we’re often too proud to accept it, but it waits gracefully and patiently for us to acknowledge it.

Second, it is my belief that we’re confusing romance with love and sex. We have this belief that sex is only okay as long as we do it “tantrically” with someone with whom we are “in love” and to whom we plan on making a lifelong, monogamous commitment. Balderdash. Some of my deepest and most transformative life experiences were one-night stands, bathroom sex and sex with people who were already in committed relationships—all of which were saturated in love.

I actually think romance and other “rule-based” excuses for sex are poisoning our ability to fully open. They sit on top of our pleasure, like an angry schoolmarm, punishing us for enjoying anything that deviates from a prescribed code of social respectability.

To connect to our sexual authenticity, we need to strip sex down to its barest essentials: you, your partner and the sensation at the point of connection. That’s it. I’m not tossing off sex with a committed partner. I give thanks every day for the gift of my beloved. But I had to peel off the layers of what I thought my sex and love should look like in order to recognize and receive him.

Third, having sex simply because it feels good is not only okay—it’s the most noble reason of all.

We have somehow adopted the myth that pleasure equals “lack of self-control” and that denial equals “being a good person.” Perhaps this is a throwback to the “martyrdom makes you a saint” dogma espoused by many popular religions.

However, in my mind, nothing is more noble, innocent and pure than surrendering to the pleasure of our bodies. The pleasure we feel of a soft cat’s fur under our fingertips. The pleasure we feel of a ripe fig bursting between our teeth. The pleasure we feel of warm sun against cool skin.

And yes, the pleasure of sex. The sparks of electricity that ripple across the small of my back when my lover licks my ear. The glow in my heart when I connect intimately with another person. The curious bliss of deepening relationship. The playful thrill of adventure. The stirring of the soul in creating new life.

I neither trust nor enjoy sex if I or my partners have other agendas—romantic or otherwise. If you are having sex to impress someone, make your ego feel good, negotiate a transaction (i.e. I will eat you out if you suck my cock), disassociate from life, snag a relationship or anything other than surrendering to the pleasure found in our exquisite and miraculous bodies, then it’s not an act of love, but manipulation.

Now, it has not escaped me that a great majority of our sex writers at elephant journal are female and that most (if not all) of those who are “sick of sex” and wanting more “spiritually enlightening articles” are male. This, to me, is an indicator of the taboo surrounding female sexuality and the continuous sexism that blankets the more feminine spiritual paths.

Audre Lorde says:

“The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. In order to perpetuate itself, every oppression must corrupt or distort those various sources of power within the culture of the oppressed that can provide energy for change. For women, this has meant a suppression of the erotic as a considered source of power and information within our lives.”

The world of sex is feminine: dark, uncertain, combustible, frightening. It’s a spiritual path that pulls us down into the mud of humanity before we can push off the ground into the more celestial (and masculine) realms of consciousness. So when I see my fellow sister-authors (and brothers as well) gather the courage to share their erotic opening with the world (yes, that includes E.L. James, regardless of your opinion of 50 Shades), I want to scream from the rooftops “Write on! Your expression is my inspiration! Your voice is my healing!”

We each have our niche—that thing that calls forth from us our greatest power. Yours may be vipassana. Someone else’s may be crocheting. Mine is sex and orgasm. Perhaps if I wrote about cookie baking or child rearing, you might be able to categorize me in a socially acceptable binder full of women.

I genuinely pay tribute to the vibrant community elephant journal fosters and the myriad of voices that come out to play. Questioning and challenging are important and encouraged—it spurs personal and social creativity. But writing off other people’s work as cheap or “simply trying to make a name for themselves” is simply disrespectful.

So. For those of you who are tired of reading about sex (but not really) and need a list and a video to satiate your elephant appetite, I humbly offer you Seven Non-Sexual Tips (Plus One Video!) to Spice Up Your Sex Life:

  1. Chew your food slowly. Savor the experience. Use all five senses and allow the flavor to slide over your body.
  2. Express gratitude. When you come from fullness and approval, it expands your capacity to receive.
  3. Do something loving for yourself every day. If you know how to love yourself, you will take nothing less from anyone else.
  4. Practice service. When you recognize your abundance and allow it to spill over, your joy transforms you into the most attractive person in the room.
  5. Break the rules. Violate the “No’s” and “Can’ts” in your life and you will be bold enough to do it in the bedroom.
  6. Surround yourself with beauty. When you know what gives you pleasure, you can recognize it and ask for it.
  7. Laugh. It takes the pressure off to perform and connects you to the crooked perfection of life.

And now for the obligatory humorous sex video!

YouTube Preview Image

Editor: Lynn Hasselberger

Like elephant love and elephant journal gets sexy on facebook.

About Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a sex + life coach specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. For inquiries on her coaching, visit her website. She is also a California-based actress, former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follower her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube

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17 Responses to “The Nobility of Sex, Plus 7 Non-Sexual Tips (and 1 Video!) to Spice Up Your Sex Life. {NSFW} ~ Candice Holdorf”

  1. David Esotica says:

    :) Only 7? My non-sexual side is so much more complicated than that!

    Fantastic article Candice.

  2. syrai says:

    ….yes. and you are so reading mine and a billion other womens minds… we want sex… we want orgasms that gush with our release and we wan to allow our sexuality to be wild and free, as nature is and intended. sound the horn! xoxo

  3. Well, I laughed my head off at the video…and went YES YES YES! in orgasmic thoes of agreement through out the piece…..you are beautifually addressing a deep wound in the Eros of humanity….stay tuned for my next piece, on this very wound.

    hugs

    Lori Ann

  4. Aim Patrick says:

    Thank you! LMAO. Great article.

  5. Andrea von Schoening says:

    Hi Candice, first a couple of text edits you might want to make … I'm anal that way and only offer it to you for the benefit of your piece, not to be critical. Please delete this comment after you read it … I will make another one with my comments on the piece.

    … roll my eyes AT some ..
    … TOO proud to accept …
    .. trust and nor enjoy sex .. (take out the 'and'?)
    … binder full of womEn …

  6. Andrea von Schoening says:

    Hello Candice,
    I really enjoyed this piece! I agree that we all really DO want to talk about sex, and have great connections sexually, and, and, and …! I applaud you for heading into the topic, opening the door for discussion, and sharing great information! The line that was most impactful for me was: "Third, having sex simply because it feels good is not only okay—it’s the most noble reason of all." I also really appreciate the quote at the top .. it articulates something that I have known on a feeling level, but have been unable to articulate well myself!
    Thank you!

  7. Rose says:

    Sex is, like you said, shitty if it is some contractual thing. But if you eliminated all of that bullshit sex, there would be a lot less sex around. Codependency is rampant. A good sex article is like good sex and a bad sex article is like bad sex. I don't know if people have a problem with sex articles in general, or if its just the pompous grandstanding of hollow aphorisms.

    Anyways, I liked your article.

    Have you ever heard of David Deida? What do you think of his stuff?

    • Glad you liked the article. My hope is to foster a dialogue on sex. Period. Whether 'good' or 'bad' (because the truth is, it's all neither good nor bad). Once we bring sex out of black sheep status, then perhaps we can find mutual healing through self-expression.
      I do know of David Deida and think he offers a lot of great things to the world of sexuality.
      Blessings!

  8. I actually think romance and other “rule-based” excuses for sex are poisoning our ability to fully open. They sit on top of our pleasure, like an angry schoolmarm, punishing us for enjoying anything that deviates from a prescribed code of social respectability.

    BOOM!!

    get it, girl.

    ~;0)

  9. [...] invites us to sit in the uncomfortable magnitude of our orgasmic power. It’s something I call ‘SEX-sationalism.’ It is meant to titillate and entice, but rarely satisfies—sort of like Chinese food for your [...]

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