The Pros & Cons of Dating a Senior Citizen.

Via on Nov 30, 2012
Jack Nicholson by Loren Javier

Pro: He takes Viagra.
Con: He takes Viagra.

Pro: When we eat out, sometimes the waitress also lets me order from the discount Senior Menu.
Con: Everything on the Senior Menu tastes like it came from the Old Country . . . the really, really, really Old Country.

Pro: He knows how to make a martini that would make Jack Nicholson cry.
Con: He once made Nicholson cry when he baby-sat hit him in 1943.

Pro: He remembers the 1950s like it was yesterday.
Con: He thinks that today is yesterday, and that yesterday is already the day after tomorrow.

Pro: He sometimes quotes Abraham Lincoln for hours on end, which can be quite educational.
Con: Half the time he thinks that he is Abraham Lincoln, and he once tried to free the African-American family who lives next door.

Pro: When I need to do research about World Wars, I don’t have to Google or go to the library.
Con: He is so old, he remembers all the World Wars first-hand.

Pro: I already know every doctor and medical specialist in town.
Con: When he passes away, the doctors I may want to date have already seen my boyfriend naked . . . maybe not so good.

Pro: He is old enough to be both Romney and Obama’s father.
Con: I think that he may just be both Romney and Obama’s father.

Pro: When I rub his head, he immediately falls asleep.
Con: Sometimes this happens when he’s driving his 1979 Buick.

Pro: He points out every busy city street that once used to be a farm when he grew up.
Con: He yells at strangers, “Get off those orange groves you jerky-jerkowitz, you’re killin’ em!”

Pro: He regularly receives a nice social security check.
Con: He spends all of his social security check on his damn grandchildren.

Pro: He has already picked out both our plots.
Con: My plot will be over his, which means I’ll always have to be on top!

Pro: I only cook one meal, his Jewish ma’s recipe of Matzoh ball soup.
Con: His ma is still alive and says to me, “You still can’t cook worth half a shekel for my little boy!”

Pro: He has one of those Hoveround’s and I get to sit on his lap when we zip around the market, talk about fun!
Con: He often races other old men through the aisles while they scream about coupon scams.

Pro: He makes Brad Pitt seem like an underdeveloped, unintelligent, unexperienced little baby in comparison.
Con: I will never get to experience these very, very terrible traits in Brad, not ever.

Pro: He doesn’t have to get his hair cut.
Con: The hair that used to be on his head is now on his feet.

Pro: We have a large mirror over our bed.
Con: The last time I saw the boyfriend and me naked together in the mirror, I shot at it with a loaded revolver because I thought we had been invaded by a circus sideshow!

Pro: He says that I’m just as pretty as I was the day I met him, because he can barely see.
Con: He has slept with all my girlfriends, mother and my aunts because he can’t tell the difference between us.

Pro: He is sweet and considers 5o-year-olds to be “those crazy kids.”
Con: These include many crazy women who hang around our flat pretending to be his nurse.

Pro: He is way past the angst-ridden Baby Boomer age.
Con: He thinks that The Baby Boomers are a big band from the 1940s and doesn’t understand why he can’t find them on his transistor radio.

Pro: When I need to lay low, kick back and mellow out, I don’t need to beg the boyfriend to do the same.
Con: The boyfriend is so “mellowed out” that even President Obama looked “totally exciting” by comparison in the first debate.

~

Ed: Brianna B.

 

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About Francesca Biller

Francesca Biller is an award-winning investigative journalist and has reported for print, radio and television for nearly twenty years. As a reporter, she has widely covered the issues of politics, the economy, women’s issues, families, race, the media, popular culture, children and a variety of other topical and timely issues. Awards include The Edward R. Murrow award, two Golden Mike awards and four Society of Professional Journalists First Place awards. Currently, she primarily writes political satire, op eds and essays with a focus on women, children, politics and pop culture for various blogs, websites and other media outlets. You can connect with Francesca on twitter @francescabiller and learn more about her at francescabiller.com.

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One Response to “The Pros & Cons of Dating a Senior Citizen.”

  1. This is hilarious, Francesca!

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