It is time now for me to say goodbye.
You have served your purpose in my life as a lover and now, in the end, as a teacher. We have established no friendship during the course of our intimacy, much to my despair, but a woman knows when it is time to walk away. And walk away I must.
You have been my best lover. You have been my favorite lover. You have been my most experienced lover. You were able to manipulate the landscape of my body as if it was a fresh garden plot waiting to be planted. You sowed the seeds and my pleasure grew under your careful touch. You know how to possess a woman. Gracefully you conjured up my every desire that blossomed in an explosion of vibrant colors. For this I offer you my deep gratitude.
The pillow talk after our lovemaking brought me closer to you. We could talk for hours with our limbs intertwined. You became a reflection of me. Like a trapeze artist, I clung to the ends of your words as they escaped your lips, anticipating the fall that was inevitable. I felt the connection between us, as you did I am sure, though you let me slip from your fingers in fear of holding on too tight.
For weeks you lured me in, dangling the bait of your charm in front of my nose. Each time I took the bait, nourished momentarily by your affections. As I grew hungry, expressing my needs, you became as elusive as a lynx, hiding within your professed unavailability.
I scaled the walls as you built them up, sometimes finding a small hole to crawl through and into your arms. Each time I came to you, our bodies fed on one another as if it were the last time we would have this rich treat, devouring one another with skill and heavy longing.
Each time our play would leave a rich scent of musky ardor clinging to my fingertips and lips. The combined scent of our ecstasy left me swooning for hours afterwards. I would think of you often and smile secretly to myself.
As the weeks turned into months there became a pattern. The game slowly revealed itself though the rules were unclear. I tried to anticipate your every move. However, you are the master of your domain and I became a pawn. If I moved closer, you would move away, leaving me feeling defeated. If I was skillful enough to make a move that you did not foresee, your words became your weapons. I would fall back feeling battered and bruised.
While I have been like the open pages of an intimate diary for you, you have remained a mystery. Together, we wrote several chapters of a thrilling romance novel. However, this book will have to end before it is finished. The last chapters will never be written.
I placed far too much worth on your opinion of me. I allowed you to peer down at me from your pedestal as I cowered in the wake of your belittlement. The wall of your perception is impenetrable. While the truth lies somewhere in between our two hearts, the key to your heart was lost long ago. There is no way in and no way out.
While your respect for me is nonexistent, my respect for myself is pure and true. I refuse to be your marionette any longer. I refuse to allow you to keep me in the box of your will, only to bring me out to play during your scheduled show times.
I harbor no resentment for your games. I see your pain, fear and suffering and hold you dear to my heart. My empathy and compassion for you far exceeds anything you have inflicted on me due to your story. The one you play out continuously but hide behind closed curtains. I have seen you clearly and in seeing you, I have seen myself.
You have served your purpose and now our story must come to an end.
I deserve to have love along with physical pleasure. I deserve far more respect than you are willing or capable of giving. Our lovemaking became empty and hollow because it was missing a crucial element. Our hearts could not blend. Therefore, there was no evolution. I can only imagine how high two people can soar together when they let down all of their walls and allow for emotional connection, heart connection and trust. That, my lost lover, is what I deserve. I could never grow with you because I do not trust you with my vulnerable emotions. I do not trust you with my heart.
I am saying farewell not only for myself, but as an example of strength for all women who feel empty with a partner. But mostly, I walk away with dignity as an example to my daughter. To show her that she is worth being loved and respected and that anyone that treats her with anything less is not worth her time or energy.
I have spent enough time and energy on you.
I am thankful to you for the experience, as it has allowed me to grow as a sexual being.
It has given me a clear vision of what I want and what I do not want from a lover. It has given me the strength to walk away in silence. This experience has allowed me to hear and trust my intuition. I am not looking back for I know that as this door closes, another door will open up so that I may walk through with confidence, hope, a sense of adventure and an open heart.
I wish only the best for you.
Your (ex) Lover
Nichole Gould is the founder of Barefoot Warrior Yoga in The White Mountains of New Hampshire. As a Student of life, yogini, yoga teacher, landscape gardener, single mother, organic pizza waitress and lover of all board sports, she considers herself a jack of much and a master of none. She can also be found dabbling with guitar playing, singing off key, reading from her many stacks of books or writing poetry. Feel feel to peruse her Facebook page or contact her via her website for more insight into her ever curious mind.
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Ed: Brianna Bemel
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.