Alone, I Am Free! ~ Cindy Lee Lothian

Via on Mar 11, 2013

Source: fineartamerica.com via Victoria on Pinterest

When The Last Guest Leaves

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”

~ Ellen Burnstyn

When the last guest leaves, I am free to be me.

When the final footfall is heard on the porch steps, I can breathe a deep sigh of relief.

The dirty dishes will have to wait until morning, the half drunk bottles of wine will breathe the night long.

The bowl of nuts and the platter holding a few remaining blue cheese stuffed olives, sit forgotten amongst empty wine glasses.

It was a good night.

The latest dance mix I compiled echoed in the high-ceilinged living room, drowning out all but the closest chatter.

I smiled as I caught the eye of my lover who was talking to a group of friends at the other side of the room.

My body found its own rhythm as it moved to the sweetness of the music. My soul doing its own unscripted dance as it rode the sound waves, reveling in its brief freedom.

I was lost in a temporary space of lightness and nothingness.

Until the inevitable happened.

A new girlfriend of a long time friend asked me what I did for a living.

I dreaded the look of disinterest that I knew was to come.

When I spoke the same words for what felt like the hundredth time.

Having no career to validate me but instead an illness which labelled me as weak, I hesitated, always sure I could come up with something interesting if I tried hard enough.

“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that,” the pretty brunette with the perfect ten body replies as her eyes furtively look for a way to escape.

I am tired now.

The laughter and music which had earlier buoyed my spirits, now jangled my raw nerves.

The heat of the crowded room, which mingled with the various sweet perfumes, now threatened to turn my wine filled stomach into a full out rebellion.

In a darkened corner of the room, I wait for the night to blessedly come to an end.

As the friends slowly start to leave in groups of four, all I want to do is lie down.

“Goodnight,” I say smiling. “Thanks for coming,” as I hug each one goodbye.

I squeeze my lover’s hand while we wave to the last guest, laughing at some joke I only heard the last line of.

Regretfully, I disengage my hand from his. My body longs to feel his familiar touch, but fatigue wins out.

I am alone now.

I can stop acting like I feel fine.

I am exhausted.

Slipping out of  my too high black heels, my black party dress falls to the hardwood floor where it lays in a heap.

My cotton pajamas cover me like a sheath as comforting as my mother’s embrace once had been.

I will sleep now. I will recharge my depleted batteries.

My thoughts drift sweetly into nothingness as sleep comes for  me with the promise of escape.

I will rest now.

The last guest is gone; I am alone.

I am free to stop pretending.

~

Cindy Lee Lothian

March 8, 2013

 

 

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Ed: Brianna Bemel

 

About Cindy Lee Lothian

Cindy Lee Lothian is a writer, mother and lover of life who has learned that her twenty year dance with the disease M.S., has given her Multiple Strengths. She writes about love, laughter, healing and hope. Follow Cindy’s blog, StillSexyAfterMS  and visit her Facebook page at Facebook 

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7 Responses to “Alone, I Am Free! ~ Cindy Lee Lothian”

  1. jennifer says:

    Beautifully scripted. My dad recently died from MS-related complications, and my younger brother has the same type…. You have articulated, in a beautiful voice, a very candid and eloquent explanation of how MS affects not just the diagnosed person, but those of us who love our person(s) afflicted with this disease. Thank you!

    • cindylee says:

      Thanks so much Jennifer! I am sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. You are right, MS has a wide reach. Wishing you and your brother all the best.

  2. Anne says:

    Depression can feel a tiny bit like this. I’m impressed with your emotional strength. It’s been a while since I had the mental energy to host a party. Can’t imagine matching that with the physical exhaustion you must feel.

  3. sharongreenthal says:

    I am always grateful for the quiet of solitude. I agree with Anne, depression can feel like this – I've been there quite a few times in my life. The most important thing is to take care of yourself, and if that means leaving the party, then do it.

  4. MatBoy says:

    Bravo!

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