Have a Seat at My Table: Mindfully Grieving a Loss During the Holidays.

Via on Dec 6, 2013

XMASwithdad

“One often calms one’s grief by recounting it.”

~ Pierre Corneille

When we are grieving after a loss, it can be especially hard around a holiday or during a celebratory get-together.

These occasions are times when people who are close to one another collectively unite to reconnect and bond in special ways.

When a loved one dies or becomes suddenly absent, we can become shrouded in deep sorrow. It can even be sadness caused by somebody near and dear to us who can’t be with us due to distance or illness. When this happens, the whole festive experience can change in a heartbeat from a happy and joyous gathering to a sad black hole of heartache and misery.

I lost my father five years ago to suicide and was so devastated that I could barely get out of my bed for the first year or two. I could do no more than be physically present at any festivity, for the sake of my children, after he died. And I did it wearing my robe and forcing a fake smile on Christmas and other special occasions. I wouldn’t even allow anyone to take my photo during those days as I knew that I felt and looked like death warmed over.

I wanted no memories to document that horrific time in my life.

Honestly, I felt as if my soul had left my body and that I was only half alive. I was broken in the core of my being—physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. This was the kind of broken that left me stunned and unable to be fully there for anyone—including, and probably especially, for myself.

Once a little (well actually quite a bit of) time passed and the grief had loosened its noose it had placed around my heart and soul, I was able to become more involved in holidays and other celebrations, but still had melancholy feelings on those days.

This past Thanksgiving, I reached a turning point and finally found a place where I was able to honor my father, as well as the other people that I have loved and lost. I also wanted to remember those still alive who could not be with me on that day.

I adopted a practice that I have wanted to do for years, but have held off on as I thought my three children were too young and might be negatively affected. Now that my kids are older (12-16 years), I finally felt able to set up an empty chair and place setting at my holiday table to pay homage to those who I have loved and lost—especially my father, who loved a big, festive meal with family and friends.

My kids were definitely surprised when I asked if one of them could bring another chair to our dinning room. They were full of questions and wondered who else would be joining us. I made them wait until we were all seated and after we said grace, we went around the table, telling each other what we were each thankful for. I went last and finally told them about the empty seat and why it was so carefully placed there.

I gave them a short history lesson about the Jewish tradition of remembering the Prophet Elijah at Passover Seders by setting an extra place at the table (sometimes it is just a symbolic glass of wine that is placed). I gave them details about how empty seats are oftentimes set for fallen military heroes or active soldiers who are deployed overseas.

And then I explained who was missing in my heart from our table. And oh, how I ached for that extra chair to be filled as I explained the empty seat.

My eyes welled with tears as I spoke of my love for my father and how I longed for his presence at our table. I told them about my grandparents, who they never had the privilege of knowing. I talked about the friends who couldn’t be with us that night.

And then magic began to happen!

A lively conversation started, with everyone mindfully engaged about the symbolism of that one simple chair that we had squeezed in around our small round table. That extra place setting caused us to sit closer to one another in more ways than one that evening.

My children and husband started sharing who they missed and who they wished could have joined us that evening. We discussed the friends and family members who we were missing and had hoped could have been joining us for dinner that night. We even discussed our thoughts on transformation and what happens to people who have left their lives on earth.

During our meal, we had one of the best, if not the best, dinner conversations that we have ever had as a family.

And were my lovely children traumatized? No. In fact one of them suggested that we make the empty chair a tradition for every special occasion that we wish someone who was absent could come to. Leave it to the wise heart of a child to comfort my silly and vulnerable adult fears.

I believe that I became a transformed ‘holiday person’ that day. I am someone who has always grumbled at holidays in the past due to bad memories from my past or missing the people who couldn’t join us, but this night was the first joyous holiday that I could remember in a long while. And it was made possible by my willingness to take a leap of faith and set that empty place at our table.

It is interesting to me how we can console ourselves by layering the good memories over the bad ones. At least for me, when the good memories that I make today, start adding up enough, the bad ones just seem to slip away, buried under the good ones. And, if you’re like me, you might just finally feel a little bit consoled and be able to smile and laugh once again through a simple gesture like an empty chair.

“And when you’re consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you’ll be glad you’ve known me. You’ll always be my friend. You’ll feel like laughing with me. And you’ll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you’re looking up at the sky. Then you’ll tell them, ‘Yes, it’s the stars. They always make me laugh!”

~ Antoine Saint-Exupery

If after a loss, you are ready to celebrate even reluctantly, then I recommend this tradition of the extra seat to you. Plan ahead to see if you are in the right mindset to do this. And if you have children, I believe that it is highly unlikely that they will be traumatized, no matter what their age.

And, lastly, try not to worry about what others may think! You may be surprised by their positive reaction.

Adding an empty seat to your table may sound like such a simple and mindful gesture, but in all honesty, I think it has permanently changed my own view of the holidays.

That one chair affected me in profound and powerful ways; I am not dreading Christmas or my father’s birthday this year nearly as much as I have in the past.

Call me crazy, but I felt as if my father’s presence was there that night at my table, as we spoke of the good times we had with him.

And I believe that he will be there again the next time I set a place for him at my table.

 

 

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Ed: Bryonie Wise

Photo supplied by Laura Kutney

 

About Laura Kutney

Laura Kutney  loves to laugh until her face and stomach hurt. If you opened her secret box, you would find books, words, art, photos and a world of feelings. She can ponder a word for a day, or write a story in an hour. She has a photographic memory but is also dyslexic. Yep, the two coexist inside of her like a little universal joke. Originally a chemical engineer, she is now a mother to three teen children and has been married to her true love for 19 years. Life is good and ever-changing. She counts on the second part of that last sentence sometimes hourly. She can be found here as a featured author for elephant journal, on her blog (Mosaic Commons) and on Facebook.

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14 Responses to “Have a Seat at My Table: Mindfully Grieving a Loss During the Holidays.”

  1. Tara says:

    Laura, thank you. My father died just a few weeks ago and this is the most wonderful and timely piece. Blessings to you and your family during the coming festive season, and may the memories of those no longer with us give us all much joy.

  2. Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

    Oh Tara, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It makes me feel good if this story has brought you even a sliver of comfort. Blessings to you and your family as well. Take care of yourself. xo, Laura

  3. c says:

    What a beautiful idea and way to allow, invite and be transformed and enlarged by grief.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      Yes, I have now heard from people who have left empty chairs at their weddings and flower arrangements at holiday table with a picture displayed in them. xo, Laura

  4. Sue Sattler says:

    This will be the third Christmas without my son. He completed suicide on Jan 2, 2011 when he could no longer deal with the demons that he brought back from his time in Iraq. I make sure that I cook one of his favorite dishes for the holidays and I make sure that everyone says "happy" whatever holiday it is to him. We keep doing the things on the holidays that he liked to do best, so it's like he is still a part of it. It's bittersweet because I remember doing these things with him, but I know that I can't make any new memories with him. I would much rather stay in bed on the holidays and mourn for him forever, but I owe it to him and my other kids and grandkids, to get up and make good memories with them. I am so sorry about your dad. Death is never easy, but suicide comes with so many "what ifs" and unanswered questions.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      Dearest Sue, 'Bittersweet' is the them word of my life, And oh do I know about the "if onlys" and "what ifs" Blessings to you and I am sorry for your loss. xo, Laura.

  5. gena hunter says:

    My husband passed in Sept. We had an empty chair and place setting at our table this year. It really did help. My husband loved Thanksgiving and his presence was felt.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      Dear Gena, I'm so glad that this tradition helped you as well and I am so sorry for your loss, Take good care. xo, Laura

  6. Sarah says:

    I had a hard time planning our wedding knowing that my younger brother and maternal grandparents would not be present to celebrate. Because of the premature deaths of his own brother and mother, my spouse felt the same. Instead of letting the sadness overwhelm us, we talked about meaningful ways to remember our loved ones on the occasion. On my bouquet I carried two tiny picture charms, one of my brother and the other of my grandparents on their own wedding day. And at the beginning of our wedding ceremony we had a brief pause to remember each individual by name, with our wish that they would be present at our celebration if only in spirit. We were so glad we did it. Many of our guests remarked the same.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      Dear Sarah, Thanks so much for sharing. What a beautiful idea that you had. I'm sure you touched many on your wedding day including those who you were missing. I am sure they were there in spirit! So lovely. xo, Laura

  7. Judy H says:

    A nice article. I try to bring up my parents or grandparents all the time in conversations with my kids and other family. It keeps them alive for me. I miss them all so much, but what else can I do but tell their stories, the funny things they did, the things that would have given them joy, the expressions they used.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      Hi Judy,

      I think it is a beautiful thing that you are doing for your children. I do the same with mine.

      My kids did meet my father, but they really didn't 'know' him, but they never met my grandparents. Luckily, I too have many stories about my dad and grandparents to tell. My kids love the stories about when I got in trouble and what happened after! My youngest begs for those stories at times.

      xo, Laura

  8. mbachi kumwenda says:

    Lost my dad in 1993 on New years eve and every year I feel like I can not celebrate the turn of the year.

    • Laura Kutney laurakutney says:

      I am so sorry for your loss. My dad's birthday was New Year's Eve, so it is really hard for me too. Strange and sad coincidence. xo, Laura

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