How to Lose the Woman You Love For Good.

Via Tamara Star
on Feb 11, 2014
get elephant's newsletter

blank photo embed




“Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” ~ Pablo Picasso

Picasso’s artistic style changed over periods of time that could be marked by the phases of his heart. His blue/green period arrived after the suicidal death of his friend Carlos Casagemas, while his rose period gave birth along with his love for bohemian artist Fernande Olivier. We’re all artists when it comes to creating our own life, and while we know that love is the greatest gift we can give, and the greatest gift to receive, keeping love alive in the midst of time’s inevitable wear and tear is the real art we need to master. A woman’s love won’t let go easily once your face has embedded itself inside her heart—and because of this, her loyalty can last far longer than it realistically should. We’ve all seen this as we shake our heads and silently wish a female friend would just dump the bloke once and for all.

And while most women won’t let go easily or without great effort to save your sinking ship, there are a few ways to lose the woman you love forever.

1. Stop doing the little things like holding her hand and looking into her eyes.

Women fall in love over the little things.

Movies may lead us to believe that grand gestures are the way into a woman’s heart, but it’s the little things you do that sink a hook deep into her psyche. Holding her hand for no reason and looking into her eyes when you talk to her activates feelings of her mattering to you. Touching her hair, letting distractions pass when she’s talking, and kissing her goodbye are the golden moments she lingers over in her mind’s eye when you’re away.

We all know the quickest way to kill love is to take someone for granted, and the first thing to go when you wander down that dead end path are the little gestures. Lead her down this alley and you won’t be able to find her on your return out.

2. Don’t ask her questions or try to get to know her.

Let her beauty and what you think she can offer you drive your attention. Once she realizes you don’t really know her, understand where she’s been, or hold any of her secrets, she’ll realize she doesn’t matter to you and she will leave. For a short period of time, you might be able to hold her attention through flattery of her physical appearance, but women are smart and they’ll eventually sense the emptiness of your connection. While knowing that you are attracted to her beauty is important, your focus on her appearance throws you back into the pack of the many others she encounters in her world that mean nothing to her heart.

3. Don’t listen to her when she talks to you or even better yet, interrupt when she’s sharing her heart with corrections to her thinking and answers for her problems.

Women solve problems and soothe their own stress by talking to someone who will listen. If you don’t hear her out, she will talk faster and faster repeating herself over and over again, getting louder and more emotional until she just finally stops trying. At that point, the sound of her silence will let you know that while she may still be sitting in front of you, her permanent exit is looming.

4. Don’t allow her to feel safe and relax into your love.

Get defensive when she questions you and refuse to accept that women step closer by testing the water.

When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal. Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer.

5. Take everything as an attack on your character and meet your woman with defensiveness and anger.

We’ve all been hurt, we all have fears and we all have tender spots that need extra T.L.C., but if you haven’t healed your past pain, you will be like a newly formed blister overly tender to every brush of contact. Ignore your own issues and instead react to everything she might say or do with gusto as though it were a personal attack planned to orchestrate an insulting demise on your manhood, and soon your pain will be spared forever.

6. Don’t make her special or allow her to relax into knowing she’s your woman.

Keep your options open through regular flirtations and intimate sharing with other females and remember to hold nothing but sex special between the two of you. Intimacy literally translates as: into you I see. By keeping the doorway open to many others through Facebook flirts and cute little text, you’ll ensure that there’s nothing special between the two of you other than sex.

Over time, she’ll slowly fade into the same creamy vanilla flavor of your many other intimate connections.

7. Make sex your be all- end all- expression of love.

Stop kissing her for no reason other than to initiate sex so when you do kiss her, if she’s not feeling in the mood for sex, she won’t respond. Don’t caress her outside of the bedroom, and don’t flirt with her or seduce her throughout the day like you used to, but always expect her to respond to you as passionately as ever.

8. Stop joking and making her laugh.  

Humor is the glue that keeps couples together and happy for the long haul. Start taking yourself really seriously so that every joke is a personal dig and ignore the little things that might make you both laugh by not being present in the moment with her.

Let yourself be preoccupied by what’s really important in your world and ignore the silly little things you used to laugh about. Over time, she will give you the room you thought you wanted when you were just too busy to play.

9. Check out when you’re with her by using your phone constantly.

Remember that your time and attention are far more important than hers and trust that she doesn’t have anything better to do than sit across from you at the table and watch you check your phone. Keep in mind that the calls, text and emails she lets sit on the back burner while she’s with you aren’t really as important as yours, and know that over time, she’ll give you all the space you need with your mobile device—permanently.

In many ancient traditions, the number nine is considered to represent completion so I’ll stop here. Like artwork, there comes a time to stop thinking about what you want to create and instead start creating. Unfortunately, too many of us make a brief effort and then go on auto pilot forgetting that it takes consistent practice to master the art of love; yet when we do make the effort, we create a masterpiece that never grows boring to look at.


Post via Daily Transformations 


Also by Tamara:

Clear Clutter & Change Your Life. ~ Tamara Star





Here’s a bonus video from Waylon to you!




Relephant reads:

Before I lose you, I would like to see you again and again.

Online Dating Advice for Men. ~ with Love, Women Everywhere

How to Love a Strong & Complicated Woman.

Mindful Market bonus:

BodyMantra Oil Blends


Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!


Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photo: liquidnight via photopin cc


About Tamara Star

Tamara Star believes happiness is not an end destination, but instead the ability to see the ordinary through eyes of wonder. Want her free tips and tricks for health, happiness and love? Click here. Receive her free 3 video series for clearing the slate for more love & happiness. Click here. She's an international best-selling author and the creator of the original 40-day Personal reboot program for women--a 6 week virtual deep dive into clearing the slate on what's blocking you. Registration is open NOW here. Tamara's global reach inspires women around the world through her programs, newsletters, and teachings. She's been featured on SiriusXM radio, Good Morning America, former Oprah producer LeGrande Green's GetBOLD radio, Dr. Brenda Wade's GoodLove Radio, Daybreak USA and News Australia. Connect with Tamara on her websiteFacebook or Twitter. Tamara's work had been translated into 6 languages and featured on The Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen, Positively Positive, Yahoo News, The Australia, The Good Men Project, and Yoga Anonymous.


149 Responses to “How to Lose the Woman You Love For Good.”

  1. John says:

    Should be titled How to Lose Your Partner. This is exactly how my ex lost me. Damn sad too.

  2. David says:

    #5 is invalidated if she's a natural instigator, and plenty of women are.

  3. Tea says:

    I left man that was constantly doing many of the things listed. Trust me but people don't change. Staying with such a person will only make you feel bad about yourself and probubly later wishing you had balls to end it and give chance someone special to meet….

  4. @Powrtolove says:

    ". . . it takes consistent practice to master the art of love . . ." Yes indeed. Great article.

  5. John says:

    Thanks for the article, but it isn't necessary. Why go through all that work? I prefer to lose women by not asking them out in the first place. It saves a lot of time, effort and money.

  6. Eljay says:

    I’d add to the list…stop when she asks you to stop…be it yelling, tickling, teasing, making cracks about her friends…It’s called respect.

    It breeds fear and mistrust…if she doesn’t feel safe, she doesn’t feel loved.

  7. Jennifer says:

    How come all the male comments are so hostile? Doesn't that say more than the content of any of their counter arguments? :/ I really don't see, and will never see, how any of the points in this article are demanding too much? I have plenty of girlfriends who's partners do all of this.

    • TahitiNut says:

      The presumption that marriages fail (almost) solely due to the failure of the male partner starts to wear on guys after awhile. Why can't these articles be written in a gender neutral way?? Short of that, is it too much to ask that there's at least some attempt at balance? Just what or who is served by the repeated drumbeat of "how to keep her happy"? How about the female perspective on "how I keep my husband in love with me"?? Perhaps an article from the woman's perspective on what she did in her marriage that she'll always regret? If the intention is to serve a predominantly female readership, perhaps some cautionary articles are in order?

      It's wonderful that you have a support group (kangaroo court?) of girlfriends who can confirm that their "partners do all of this" but I'll bet not one of those guys has such a support group. Guys typically don't do that while in a relationship. When a guy is in a relationship, she is his "support group" and when she leaves him he loses both his partner and his 'support group'!

  8. Julia says:

    Thank you for this. I read it at a perfect time. He lost me for several of the reasons you stated.

  9. Kristine says:

    #2’s my pet peeve

  10. SonofItto says:

    I think male comments are hostile because the perspective of this article is not there own for the most part. I admit to finding it slightly frustrating to read.

    As an example, number 3….Men are naturally problem solvers and if another Man approaches you with a problem you instinctively understand that he respects your opinion and needs to hear it. Though it may not be what your Woman is asking for, an attempt to solve the problem is simply a well intentioned attempt to help. In this instance, as with several others in this article, the problem doesn’t lie with the Man but rather the fundamental differences between the way Men and Woman process the World. As often as a Man should learn to shut up, a Woman should also learn that granting his opinion on their problem an audience will make him feel useful and appreciated.

    • Honey Ryder says:

      I agree. I’ve learned that if I want my man to just listen (because I’m a verbal processor) I need to communicate that to him. I will happily accept his feedback, suggestions and solutions once I’ve gotten the emotions out of the way.

      I love this article but of course there is the flip side, the equally important male perspective, but that’s not what this one is addressing.

      I am a firm believer in evolutionary psychology, we’re wired differently for our different purposes.

  11. Andy says:

    As a man I have no idea why some other males’ comments might be hostile. It all sound pretty sensible to me. It’s about respecting the other person. And it also applies equally the other way to women.

    You could change the title of the article to How To Lose The Man You Love For Good, and change all the words “her” to “him” and “woman ” to “man”, and it would make just as much sense and be just as relevant for women in how not to lose men.

  12. jack says:

    Is this really the nature of females in relationships? The second sentence below is depressing:

    “When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal. Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer.”

    Really, it sounds like women NEVER trust their men? Would it be OK for a man to repeatedly “test” his woman or do some other horrible behavior repeatedly that demonstrates distrust? Would women let repeated horrible behavior roll off their backs? Maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high.

    • TahitiNut says:

      Yup. My wife "tested" me by sleeping with her co-workers. Apparently I failed the "test." My bad.

  13. Jack says:

    The second sentence below is depressing:

    "When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal. Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer."

    If the second sentence above is true, it shows that women will continually distrust men in a relationship. What if a man repeatedly tested a woman or otherwise continually is y the divorce rate is so high?

  14. Daniel says:

    all those reasons are valid. Woman that love their man with passion, loyalty and total aure der to the relationship are gift from G-d , and a man should show his gratitude for such gift.

  15. Thloki says:

    Great article, not good to linger too long. #6 especially resonates with me. Nothing special, that is why I left my last relationship.

  16. Taylor says:

    There is absolutely NO reason for any of this article to be gender-specific.

    Equality will never blossom whilst the designated “roles” of men and women in relationships are predetermined by such silly stereotypes.

    People should avoid doing these things in general.

    Yours sincerely,

    Someone with a unisex name who wishes not to disclose gender 😉

  17. YouKnowWho says:

    Yes Elli..I agree….. i think this isn't even worthy of ridicule.. It is simply the most ridiculous luciferion induction and a mockery of something less impressive.

  18. guest says:

    Couldn't be more true! Don't forget to add: Never compliment her or remind her why you fell in love with her, or of any of the things that make her unique and special. Instead nit-pick all the things you dislike about her and guarantee that she will not feel loved.

  19. Nevermind that says:

    Please disregard my previous comments. they weren’t placed intentionally. This an interesting article.

  20. Chris Johnston says:

    Don't agree. It's off by a long shot.

  21. A violet crushed but defiant says:

    This is a sad and fantastic list, but please allow me to add these three:

    3. Email, call and text her too often throughout the day. And all during the night. And for special bonus points that will kill her love for you even quicker, do it relentlessly during the 6 hours immediately preceding the most important business meeting, conference or presentation of her entire career, and then make a phone call temper tantrum screaming at her about how much you neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed her and how evil she is for not rushing home now, this instant.

    2. Be too insecure and jealous to the point you interrogate her about all her male business colleagues and associates. When she tells you the truth she is not sleeping with any of them, deny it and accuse her of doing so. When she proves she is not, sulk further and complain that your penis still isn’t getting “his needs met”. Refer to your penis as exactly that and in precisely that literal sentence. Fold your arms. Dig in your heels. And then send her a thousand angry emails and texts assuring her in fury-filled language you don’t care about any (fill in plural version of her male business associate you envy the most). Then do # 1.

    1. Hurl a gigantic, gorilla-like tantrum falsely accusing her of everything under the sun, then spread lies about her, and share things she told you in confidence with strangers, warning that if she does not return home, change her career and join yours as your apprentice, you will use what you know about her to destroy her.

    My now EX did all these things to me April 1 and he’s been up to it ever since. He has been told to stop, but he is now stalking me relentlessly, and text-bombs me telling me I made him do these things and left him no choice because he “loves” me. This is not love.

    Thank God I was raised strong enough to know that. I fear for his brainwashed wife, who has shown me she does not. Yes. The bastard was married throughout it all.

    Denver PD is hunting him down as we speak to deliver the restraining order.

    • Tracy says:

      You were the “other woman” get that straight in your head. Most men that cheat do it to control another to be free to be manipulative and sneaky, they like the chase as they can’t do it in their own marriage. Shame on you for thinking so little of yourself in the first place. You crossed a boundary and as far as I’m concerned you got what you deserved. Good luck to mending your ego. But I also do hope he gets his serving as well.

    • Kimberley says:

      To Tracy, It's possible that Violet was not aware that her ex was married until the end of the relationship. So its very condescending of you to label her the "other woman" as though she were the cause of her troubles and should have been able to prevent it. Manipulators like this are very good at hiding this kind of information.

      What she described happened to me by my own husband, and I was unfortunately that deluded wife who at first didn't fully realize what was going on. It took several years for me to put all the pieces together and then several more before I was strong enough to break free. When I did, he threw a similar fit to the one that Violet described and relentlessly stalked me in real life and online.

      We've been divorced for 5 years, and he has not changed at all. He still tries to manipulate me.

      Until you have been in someone else's situation, try not to be so judgmental.

  22. a guy says:

    Article’s okay, there is some truth in it but in my experience i have one small suggestion to all the better half out there since reading this article gave me similar vibes. “relationships dont take place in a state of vaccume” Trust me a guy who loves will take a lot of shit, put in the effort. He’ll nearly do all that is written up there, atleast i did but even though sometimes he himself may want you to be the only thing in his life but it is not so. There are counless other ddynamics in action he has a job, friends, family and countless other worries which he may or may not share and that also doesn’t make him a sneaky bastard, maybe he doesn’t want to ruin the one near perfect thing he has in his life. So don’t just heckle him that things are not perfect any moremore and right him off, try and remember the good times you had things he did that every one else had forgotten. So give him a call, a hug & ask him now he may or may not tell you but dont be judgemental on him some times we don’t share such things because we don’t wanna drag people in our shit. So just let him know that you are there and give him time, it aint be that hard just trust the other person. He’ll always remember because men seek someone like that beneath the make up and the pretty dresses.

  23. Charlie Foxtrot says:

    To those asking why all the male comments are so hostile… It’s very simple. We men have been reading this kind of advice for decades and all it gets us is, at best, stuck in the infamous “friend zone. The advice in this article is not for men. It’s for women to read and go, “that’s right!” so they can rationalize their own cognitive dissonance as to why their crappy relationships aren’t working.

    • and then says:

      …and blame men for why things aren't working, without taking any responsibility for whatever their part in the broken relationship was…It takes two.

  24. damian angel says:

    I wish it this article wasn’t so poorly written. It’ s an interesting topic though.

  25. charles rousseau says:

    This is how to keep puppy love. I need a strong woman that understands she is not my top priority. I have four children that come before even myself. Also its laughable for women to think that my ship is sinking without them.

  26. Jimbob says:

    This article is an interesting read. It’s good to know that as a man I have to give complete effort every day to hold on to my partner. Who presumably just turns up to this dance and needs to be there to deserve me. Ladies, constant effort is draining, utterly, utterly draining. Putting up with unreasonablen ess and being an emotional sponge wears you down. How about thinking less about everything and relaxing more. Life would be easier.

    • Bigeck says:

      Unfortunately, women appear to be brought up by their parents to have the “little princess” syndrome as I call it. Where they believe men are the ones who have to do all the chasing, running, impressing because “they’re worth it” and men have to jump through hoops constantly and all they have to do is sit back and pick the winner. Sorry girls those days are long gone. It’s not all about you and us guys like some attention too. The article has a few good points to follow tbh but it’s not all about you and it’s time to become a lot less self centred. I’ve dumped girls who adhere to the above too strictly and forget about what’s in it for the guy cos they’re too damned hard work and too demanding. I’m lucky to have a woman who it isn’t all one way with but having said that I do recognise some mistakes I’ve made in the past in the above list. I think like others have said, this list should apply to both parties. Work hard and keep making your other half feel special

  27. Chris says:

    Like most articles on here geared for women, these rolls can be flipped and there is no acknowledgement of that. Case in point: my last relationship. It’s not always the man not showing up in the relationship. can any women writers on elephant acknowledge that???

  28. Demian says:

    "Let her beauty and what you think she can offer you drive your attention. Once she realizes you don’t really know her, understand where she’s been, or hold any of her secrets, she’ll realize she doesn’t matter to you and she will leave." This can be also for the man as well. A man can't "lose" a woman, any more than a woman cannot lose a man. We don't own each other. My expeirence is that I communicated, felt, called, texted, played fucking banjo over skype to her, and really, she was a pit of attention, she couldn't get enough love, and she was stingy with giving love. And after the wining and love me as a goddess shit, I had to say, please go love yourself, I cannot give you what you lack in your self. There was no amount of love or attention, she just wanted more, and she constantly berated and manipulated my words to always make me at fault. She didn't appreciate me…. etc. guys, sound familiar? I did show up, I imagine, if I had to generalize, that women will be super confused when you realize you're playing your own game, and the guy did show up, you just never bothered to be present enough to appreciate it.

  29. @MeganMercy says:

    we just broke up with my boyfriend of one year recently…i felt like killing myself but now am coping…the post really helped me…

  30. TahitiNut says:

    Funny how it’s always the guy’s fault when a marriage fails.

Leave a Reply