I’ve decided to acquiesce and walk alone.

This is not the journey I expected,

it’s just the way of things and I accept it.

I grew tired of looking around every corner, bend

or trail seeking the other half of my half,

the missing part of me.

So I have taught myself to live with a grateful heart, a giving heart

and appreciate the cycles and flow within.

I have learned to saunter in the absence of a partner.

I learned to enjoy my whimsy and laugh at myself.

I can smile when I hum a song off key without criticism.

But I had to change.

I had to erase the propaganda of my culture

and convince myself of my own worth, it was not easy.

I taught myself to enter my home and breathe a deep sigh of relief—gratitude.

A deep sense of satisfaction comes over me now,

there is no one there expecting, demanding,

or asking anything of me and I can be me—totally.

In these empty rooms I can practice the Art of Solitude—Silence.

I embellish my food, my music, and my nakedness, unobserved.

But, I am not the Being I foreshadowed in my youthful dreams.

I did not choose this singular state, I found myself here.

I did not expect to inhabit this time, this space, and these rooms alone.

This is not the way of fables.

Yet, my broken promises were crafted on spines of fairy tale story lines.

I kept my fingers crossed and my heart wide open, believing.

But, I did not end up living with a happy ending, the storybook ending

The fairy dust was just ordinary rain

and I got caught in the storms of pain, disappointment and upheaval.

I expected to share all that I have

and all that I am with grace and togetherness,

to honor the sacred gift of love and nurturance.

But one thing I have always known—felt—is that love is an act of recognition between to two souls.

Anything less is not enough for me, anymore.

I will gladly forfeit the spaciousness of these days

when I can see, feel and know the eyes of my partner.

When I can accept the vision of my lover because it is my own—shared.

 

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Apprentice Editor: Todd Otten / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Elephant Archives