Fake “Natural” Breasts.

Via Krystal Baugher
on Nov 5, 2010
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How to Build the Perfect Breasts In Three Easy to Follow Steps.

Boobies and Knockers and Jugs. Oh My!

Thank the Goddess for Scientists.

I mean, what would we women do without the amazing discoveries coming out in the world of breast enhancement?

Wired Magazine devoted their cover to “Grow your Own,” as they put it:

Wired Magazine just printed a feature, in-depth article regarding a new surgery technique—technique that promises to end this plague of imperfect breasts, once and for all. Thank the Goddess again that we women have a new, better way to fulfill our civic and capitalist duty to…look like everybody else. Because it would just be shameful for women to have a variety of body shapes and sizes. I mean really, how disgusting.

This procedure is a perfect way to kill two ugly birds with one stone. Why? Because it sucks the stem-cell enriched fat cells straight from your abdomen (cause we could always lose a few there, right?). Then, the cells are processed in a mega-awesome scientific apparatus, and finally the stem-cell enriched fat cells are slowly and methodically inserted into the breasts to plump them up nice and easy like.

The whole surgery takes all of, like, two hours—just a small price to pay considering that we women won’t have to live with inadequate racks any longer.

Plus, it’s perfectly “natural.”

Boobies anyone? Photo courtesy Eugene Wei.

It’s all just a transfer of one part of the body to the another, sort of like those twin artists who cut off each other’s body parts and sew them back on their bodies rearranged.

This is even better news for Australian women of the adult entertainment industry who recently were banned from the spotlight if they had an A cup or under. (Something about looking too adolescent, though we all know it was because they were insufficient in the boobage area).

The new discovery is not so great for websites like the Normal Breast Gallery, which show, through an extensive array of pictures, how breasts come in all shapes and sizes. I mean what were they thinking? Is that supposed to be some kind of sick joke? We all know what the perfect breasts are supposed to look like right? Surely there can’t be “variety”.

So What’s a Girl to Do?

With every great creation, every great advancement in science, every step towards improved technology comes backlash.

Take the bomb.

Take the printing press.

Take cocaine.

Take punk music.

Take sliced bread.

There is good, evil, and a whole lot of gray area in-between.

With this particular boobtacular scientific development it’s much easier to see the obvious evil, but I swear there is some good here.


Oh yeah. So it’s designed to help woman who have had partial mastectomies or lumpectomies. Surgeons can pinpoint specific areas and simply refill the hole.

And it’s being used to better develop regenerative medicine to help with issues that are actually medical concerns (not just aesthetic enhancements) such as heart, kidney and sphincter problems.

According to the Wired article:

It makes sense to apply Cytori’s technology to enhance breasts instead of, say, repair urinary sphincters as a strategic way to move the patented technology out of rats and into people as soon as possible. Hearts, kidneys, and even sphincters have to work in order for us to survive. But we can live just fine without breast tissue, and, outside of feeding offspring, breasts don’t have to do much. The fact is, the scientific and regulatory hurdles to getting Cytori’s cells into clinical use will be easier to clear for breasts than for other tissue: Breasts simply aren’t as necessary as other organs, so the bar for proving to regulators that the technology works will be lower.

So the plan is to use women’s “imperfections” as research.

Aw. I get it. Women who have nothing better to do with their money will have this procedure because society has convinced them that they don’t look good enough, they’ll never look good enough, and because of that they will have to alter their appearance all the way to their Botox death bed, just so scientists can get more funds for more research to actually use this scientific technique to create regenerate medicine that actually works. Whew. So. Ladies. They’re using your lack of personal confidence to make sure that the procedure isn’t actually lethal in the long term. (Because your boobs can fall off, but you don’t want your sphincters to close or your heart to explode.)

Oh and let’s not forget about all the surgeons who learn this new technique and start advertising it as a safer, healthier, natural alternative to implants—these unethical a-holes will be rolling in the dough of thousands of low self-esteem-shape-shifters everywhere.

Isn’t it just amazing how scientists are working so hard to make women look better!

I love how we women all have the ability to transform ourselves into super sexually attractive beings…and yet these scientists haven’t done much of anything to improve birth control to make it safer, more effective, and healthier for us and the entire planet. But that’s okay, cause it’s our sole job as women to have sex and make babies right?

For more of Krystal’s articles, check out her thoughts on open relationships, eco-friendly sex, shaving, being more queer and psychics.


About Krystal Baugher

Krystal Baugher lives in Denver. She earned her MA in Writing and Publishing and her MA in Women and Gender Studies from DePaul University/Chicago. She is the creator of Mile High Mating, a website dedicated to helping people "do it" in Denver and beyond. You can find her on facebook and twitter (as long as you aren’t a stalker).


17 Responses to “Fake “Natural” Breasts.”

  1. *K* says:

    love love love this!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. iloveginger says:

    krystal thank you.. the calling out on birth control too..where is my better plan for BC???!!! sadly these plastics docs will succeed with this

  3. treestars says:

    iloveginger check out the book, Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It has changed my view of birth control forever.

  4. Brett Young says:

    Thank you for the wonderful article. I must say I appreciate your wit and grace tackling this one. As an identical twin, I was disturbed and appalled when I clicked the link to those guys from Arizona and feel that they should be involuntarily committed–the one who received the arm and finger for psychologically abusing his brother and the one who gave him the parts for being a danger to himself. The doctors who assisted should be stripped of their licenses whichever country they are in.

  5. […] I have never wanted to set foot in the corporate world; the non-profit sector has always been my “calling.” I enjoy helping those who are often overlooked. This became more apparent after I received my Master’s Degree in Women’s & Gender Studies. We studied all different types of oppression, and how these oppressions interlock. Not a day went by where we didn’t discuss privilege–what it is, who has it/doesn’t have it, what it means in relation to race, class, ableness, and sex. […]

  6. […] of Krystal’s articles, check out her thoughts on open relationships, eco-friendly sex, shaving, breasts, being more queer and psychics. […]

  7. […] more of Krystal’s articles, check out her thoughts on open relationships, eco-friendly sex, boobs, shaving,being more queer and psychics. Krystal Baugher recently moved to Boulder from Chicago […]

  8. […] and it’s good. What more do you need? If a hundred different synonyms for the word “boob” is your answer to that question, then this is the show for you. If you (or somebody you […]

  9. […] had created this false Facebook page in hopes to lure me into conversation. Yep, he created “fake” conversations on his Facebook wall amongst his phony friends. […]

  10. elephantjournal says:

    Jen Hiltz Unsubscr

    Ed Scheterlak Strike 2 on the same evening. PLEASE don't cheapen a practice that saves lives and relieves suffering. Why not set up a separate site for the girlie stuff. I promise I'll visit the site just don't call it yoga.

    Adele Tomlin if you read this article properly you would see that this is clearly satirical and critical of the incessant demand by society and in this case, scientists, for women to fulfil some 'fake' beauty ideal. judging by the comments above I am not even sure we all read the same thing?

    Ed Scheterlak Sorry Adele, If you are a regular reader you will notice a pattern of "satirical" articles that show pictures and videos with near nudity (always female) and sexual innuendo. I'm not opposed to either but it ain't yoga. How many times can you say "what I'm showing you now is bad" before it becomes ridiculous. DON'T think of a white horse or else.

    elephantjournal.com Ed, we don't claim to be about yoga. Rather, we're about anything that yoga practitioners, and feminists, and cyclists, and mothers, and children, and teachers…you know, anyone…might find helpful by way of living a considered, considerate life.

    As to your point about "always female," I think I'll listen to the female, feminist author re our objectification over your righteous self, good sir. And if you have the time and interest to question your ready judgements, you can and will find dozens upon dozens of articles having to do with men and sexuality, complete with photos. Enjoy! ~ W.

    elephantjournal.com Jen, you're welcome to "unsubscribe" of course…but sorry to see you go. We want to create a community about dialogue, not agreement. I love Krystal, the author, and her writing and thoughts. I think she makes many great point in the above article. ~ W.

  11. Rob says:

    Gawd bless homemade tits. Praise natural born slobberknockers.

  12. […] know the type: sports bra only, teeny tiny spandex, killer tan and six-pack, fake knockers and naturally curly locks who’s always positioned front and center in class. You try not to […]

  13. AMO says:

    From a woman with breast implants:
    Please don't call me "low self esteem shapeshifter" – you don't know me, you don't know anything about me, though you obviously think you do. I have never felt that society made me feel badly about myself. I've always been told I was pretty, beautiful, sexy. Good looking men and women have always been attracted to me. No one ever rejected me, that I know of, because my breasts were too small. I chose to have breast implants for personal reasons. I had very nice breasts until I breast fed. My son was, well, let's call him a very aggressive nurser. And I was what my baby doctor called an excellent producer. My breasts swelled during my nursing months to a ridiculous 68GGG! Yup, that's not a typo. When it was over, I needed breast implants to have my breast feel and look nice TO ME. I didn't like how flat, thin, droopy and low they looked. Not one single person, not my husband, not my subsequent lovers, ever made a single comment about my breasts that wasn't completely lovely.
    So I ask: why is it OK if I want to "fix" something, but not if I just want more size? Why does it resonate if I want "2 perfect breasts" if I'm a "cancer survivor" but it doesn't if I just want to look different? Who are YOU to decide that for me? Why do you feel you have the right to judge me, to call me names, to find me less than confident and healthy because in your opinion I've made a choice about MY BODY that isn't an acceptable choice?

    As for Botox. I have suffered with increasingly intense migraines all of my adult life. The increasing frequency, duration and intensity of the migraines had me feeling as if my life would be a steady downhill fall into misery. They are genetic. My mother's mother had them and she was the most beaten down, sad, pathetic old woman I ever knew. I didn't learn until long after she died that she simply lived in pain, or in fear of pain, most of the time. I eat a healthy diet, practice yoga and live well. I don't drink often or much, and I am VERY healthy, but without my Botox twice a year I get very bad migraines which take away from the joy of living my life. Botox literally makes them just go away. I don't get them at all when I get the shots regularly. The only side effect is decreased facial lines around my eyes and between my brows.

    The next time you get all holier than thou about something, try some REAL investigative journalism. TALK to a few of the people you plan to denigrate and see what their take is. Your ego has you believing you know what's best and right for others. You are sadly mistaken…

  14. Ezequiel Scobee says:

    It really is a fun way to teach your kids how to follow directions. I couldn’t believe how involved it was considering it was just a stickman! Glad you enjoyed it, Tony! Thanks for leaving your comment.

  15. […] boy’s skull. I watched as he put people back together like Mr. Potato Head. I was not privy to the world of insecure women who tried to bandage themselves with a little nip and tuck, thinking it would fix the gash in their […]

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