Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie (JC) Peters

Via Julie JC Peters
on Jun 1, 2011
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Photo: Kaysse

The Goddess of never not broken.

You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?

Come on, yes you do. We all do.

And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.

This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.

Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

Photo: Justin Graham

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to.

We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited.

And that means we are amazing.

~

Bonus: 10 Basic Salves for Burn-Out & Everyday Depression. 


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About Julie JC Peters

Julie (JC) Peters has been practicing yoga on and off from the tender age of 12, and it has gotten her through everything from the horrors of teenagedom to a Master’s degree in Canadian Poetry. She is a yoga teacher, spoken word poet, and writer, and teaches workshops on yoga and writing called Creative Flow. Julie also owns East Side Yoga in Vancouver with her mom, Jane.

Comments

332 Responses to “Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie (JC) Peters”

  1. Kamini says:

    Thank you so much for this post! I know Her so intimately and ridden Her crocodile so many times… Now I know her name. I am on the cusp of launching my work offering support to women facing challenging life changes and have been struggling somewhat to clarify my message and then this post arrives by divine intervention, She arrived to show me the way yet again. I use feminine archetypes in my work so this is a gift. Thank you, deep bow to you and Eric x Kamini

  2. the gypsy priestess says:

    Thank you so much for your beautifully written and inspiring Goddess post, darling Julie! I absolutely adore the wisdom you have shared. {{deep bow}} namaste

  3. Gracy Goldman says:

    Fascinating article, beautiful on a myriad of levels. A myriad like the Goddess herself. One thing I did observe: My perception & resonance with Never Not Goddess offered a completely different tone to Always Broken Goddess. Sometimes we just don’t have the capacity in the words of our own language to convey the true meaning of the original.

  4. Dreamer says:

    Seriously fighting the crocodile, I mean I understand that things can be interpreted how people want but First the short story of this goddess pictures above with her six sisters and one brother is a lovely one. In short though her name Is in Gujarathi Khodiyar Maa meaning (KHODI-injured foot) and MAA(mother) This name was given to her-real name Janbai. She went to the bottom of the sea to get an elixir to save her brother from a snake bite and she injured her foot whilst down there, she was escorted back to surface and land where she hobbled back with fierce determination to save her brother. So it was after this and her foot injury she was given the name KHODIYAR MAA!! Please check out her story…she never battled a crocodile or any other animal that’s why she is seen sitting on it surrounded by her siblings!!

  5. Caitlin says:

    My favorite article. I've shared this with countless friends. All have been deeply inspired. I have a question though…is her name spelled Akhilandeshvari or Akhilandeshwari??? This has been driving me bananas…anyone?!

  6. Good day! I simply want to give you a big thumbs up for the excellent info you’ve got right here
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  7. Fernanda says:

    This article is extremely beautiful. I shall never forget it.

  8. Meredith says:

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  9. Samaya says:

    utterly beautiful and insightful article, thank you for this, im hoping to read much more from you.

  10. Tamara Shurling says:

    I love this!

  11. Stephen says:

    I am grateful and strengthen and feeling connected to so many that have gone this road before and are on it with me now.

  12. Todd says:

    "I AM" that hope diamond

  13. hauteholistic says:

    This has just come up on my news feed some 3 years after it was published and it is just what I needed to read. Truly beautiful and impeccably magical timing.
    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
    Big love,
    Kristina

  14. eyesofakat says:

    Perfect, perfect, perfect piece. Thank you!

  15. Cathy says:

    It's about going into your brokenness and feeling it. Western culture is pathalogically afraid of this.

  16. Angela says:

    I have come back to this page so many times. Thank you. I am an atheist, but I have felt an affinity with this Godess ever since coming across this piece.

    I am planning on getting a tattoo. I found a website that provides english – sanskrit translations, however I would be very grateful if someone could verify it / give a second opinion before I go ahead. I am told it translates to ‘alhilandeshwari is within me’. I wanted the tattoo to appear in Sanskrit because that’s how the name should appear – the english translations can vary sometimes.

    Please can you point me in the right direction? I have provided me email address. Thanks in advance, Angela

  17. I am agreed! thank you, this article is right on time for me.

  18. Annie Radzus says:

    amazing article with such depth and clarity. Shares what most people are afraid to share and admit, and it encourages us that it is a process that we can and will find a way through. Good job!

  19. Riding those waves of fear .. terrifying indeed ~ but also exhilarating, and the more you do it, the better you get at it.

  20. Barbara says:

    After reading this article 2 years ago I searched and searched Akhilandeshvari and discovered the western understanding of her is completely wrong. At any rate the article was wonderful and helpful to me in a time of need. Not to mention her story as told to me is as healing as the erroneous story. Here is a link that explains it well. http://www.michellemyhre.com/2012/03/transformed-

  21. ginnym2013 says:

    Are you kidding me.. Perfection in timing.. Going to print and hang on mirror until the breakdown breakthrough has commenced.

  22. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this. So amazing.

  23. Heather says:

    I love the thought that we are strongest when broken! I have come home from my job a few times & just wept uncontrollably on my carpet. Spot on about the ‘…with no idea of how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless’! And that’s where the ‘aha!’ moment comes around for me….often after the nap that I take to refresh from the catharsis of weeping. Thank you!

  24. NancyRose says:

    Deeply helpful, and although this goddess is Hindu she is reflected in the Chod practices of Tibetan Buddhism, in the offering up of the ego, expectations, desires, flaws, and physical well being, offering up to satisfy all of the different kinds of beings, and also offered to the Wisdom beings and Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. It's so okay to be wounded and tender and vulnerable — and don't let the "Positive Poilce" tell you any different.

  25. Michelle says:

    Love this! Beautifully written.

  26. naufalfazannywafda says:

    I'm interested in your article on tourism.
    It really inspired me about the beauty of nature.
    I also have the same article about the learning process that you can visit at

  27. thank you, this article is right on time for me.
    i do the collapse thing at least twice weekly

  28. eri says:

    thank you, this article is right on time for me.

  29. Diane Baumer says:

    Beautiful article! Thank you so much!

  30. poker says:

    of the mantra. I had no idea how to spell "Akhilandeshvari" and I had no idea what it meant. Thank You for your post!

  31. Tej Nabh says:

    Beautifully written. Thanks.

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