Dear Radiant Applicant,
Thank you for your recent interest in securing a teaching position at our yoga studio!
We very much enjoyed looking over your extensive resume, head shot, tasteful nude shot, and that black and white one of you in Eka Pada Baddha Koundinyasana B Part 2 whilst playfully winking at the camera. By the way, was that jasmine with which you misted your resume?
Anyway, as you know we are a highly coveted yoga studio and therefore can afford to be competitive in our hiring. We look for only those teachers who have proven themselves to be fully dedicated to The Path: teachers who go by a Sanskrit name that they chose themselves, wear more than one set of prayer beads at a time, and will perform full Rajakapotasana with ease at every class whether or not he or she is teaching it.
With that in mind, though you have never set foot in our studio, we are pleased to announce that our selection committee has chosen you to continue into the second round of our competitive application process! In this round, you will be invited to take part in our groundbreaking program for new teachers, Yoga Fight Club! If you wish to proceed with your application, you along with our other successful applicants will be locked in the yoga studio after hours. You will then be grouped with those applicants who are similar to you in weight, size and gender, and over the course of several hours, you will each be given the unique opportunity to fight to the death, using only fists, nails, teeth, and kicking. Please leave your weapons at home! Blocks, mats, and organic tea will be provided. Our review board will be giving live feedback on your performance during the fight, so that each you has the opportunity to become the best you you can be.
The ultimate survivors of Yoga Fight Club will go on to be assigned a highly coveted teaching position here at the studio (actually, you will be forced to teach a poorly attended 6am Sunday class for several years before finally being rewarded with a slightly more humanely timed 7am slot).
We recommend you drink plenty of water beforehand, dedicate your practice, and wear comfortable, loose fitting clothing that you can easily move in. Please arrive early so as not to miss the opening invocations, and a special performance by our star teacher Ramajanananda performing full Rajakapotasana.
In love and light,
The Yoga Studio.