What Women Really Want.

Via Andrea Balt
on Dec 14, 2011
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A pocket dictionary.

Don’t you sometimes wish you found a magical book containing all the dos and the don’ts to understanding your ladyship; a simple best-seller with a beginning and an end? Better yet, a Christmas present to your other with a love note that says: “Here darling, I’ve finally been translated into 47 languages.”

A user guide to every expression, every sigh, every possible double, triple and quadruple meaning of a woman’s witty, painful, sarcastic, dramatic, original, joyful remarks. Every eyelash on every cheek, every square in every hole, every you in every me.

Here’s an excerpt from A Very Easy Guide to Understanding Women For Good – an imaginary book I just started writing with invisible ink. I would upload the rest, but I don’t want to make the website crash.

I suggest you print this out (on recycled paper, mind you) and keep in your wallet (or purse) at all times. You never know when you might need it.

Because we’re everywhere!

And we can charm your life in every way, if you’ll just get us.

 

It’s really not that complicated…

1. We don’t want to be told what to do. And yet, we do want to be told, just a little bit of implied and soft truth, just enough so it doesn’t seem like you’re telling us.

Don’t be fooled by the “What should I do”, we’re not actually asking you. We need you to listen – be an active wall – so we can figure it out on our own. But don’t be too active and don’t be too wall. Find the right spot and don’t move.

 

2. We don’t really like shopping. We like how shopping makes us feel: a new outfit is just another chance to recycle our beauty, rephrase ourselves, to look at the old through newer glasses. We recreate the world by redressing.

Of course, we’d recreate it even better if we found another, more sustainable outlet for our creativity. (And no, as much as we like you, we don’t want you coming along. You’ll ruin our day with your questionable patience or impatient remarks.)

 

3. We don’t want to talk about sex if it was great. Stop asking. We may only tell if you if it’s sunny outside and you insist in having a mature conversation on the anatomy of pleasure over brunch.

Though you’ll notice it by the way we look at you throughout the day, or crawl into your chest at night or if we unexpectedly turn and kiss you like it’s 2012 and the world is ending and what-are-we-going-to-do-with-the-cat?

But if it wasn’t great, we won’t say it either, unless we’d like it to become so, with you.

 

4. It doesn’t matter how beautiful we could or may be. We’re never 100% happy with our bodies. We’re never perfectly OK with mirrors.

We may be generally OK, but real life has cellulite, dear. So when we ask you how we look, we want detail. Don’t say, fine or hot or sexy or not.

Say: Well, you definitely have that Audrey Hepburnish elegant innocence tonight that goes hand in hand with your usual, intelligent allure; but that doesn’t cancel the irresistible Marilyn Monroeism vividly present in the prudent, yet undomesticated way in which you carry yourself. The only thing that suits you even more perfectly than your beautiful wit is your dress, did-I-pay-for-those-shoes?

But if you say that, we’ll know you just memorized this paragraph. Don’t be sticky, take a poetry class.

 

5. We can be goddesses and we can be ants. Increasing your daily meditation will help you figure out which day we’re which, so you can lift us up or lift us higher. And when we get too mystical, don’t laugh. But if you get too serious, you’ll make us laugh.

If you can’t breathe us in, just pray for wisdom. And if, goodness forbid, we hit our head against a spiritual wall and start speaking in tongues, adopt a neutral, Mona Lisa smile and call a yoga ambulance.

 

6. Sometimes we eat because we’re hungry. Others, to quiet the Emotional Creature. Don’t bring us chocolate, you’re not doing our hips any favor. Unless it’s fair-trade and at least 70% cacao, in which case go ahead, we might be temporarily sweetened.

And when you see us cry:  let us, don’t leave us. When we say “Go,” don’t go, unless we say it twice, louder and louder. Third time comes with a glass. And if you go, wait by the door a little longer. Try coming back inside after two minutes.

 

7. We’re naturally undomesticated, adventurous and wild – unless it’s that time of the month (to be sure, you should keep your own calendar). We like the outdoors, even on heels. Hey, isn’t Earth also a Sexy Gaia?

Our make-up is anti-mosquito, that’s why we wear it on camping trips. Please understand that when we scream at spiders, it’s not because we’re scared, but concerned about the wellbeing of their children, after they’re orphaned by your foot. Be gentle.

 

8. And when the night comes, we are not afraid. We don’t need muscles to survive, we have our words. We don’t need lamps, because to pass the womanhood exam you have to memorize the darkness.

But if you do come in and light the candles with your fingers, we’ll happily exchange survival for revival.

 

9. So, let me put it this way: Marry us and you will regret it. Don’t marry us and you will regret it. Whatever you do, you will regret it.

 

Unless…

Unless…

10. You forget all the above and only remember to love us. 

Like the rock loves to roll; like it’s 2012 and the world is ending and the cat is nowhere to be found; like one sock needs the other; like when you have someone call your cell phone because you think you lost it and you’re so happy when it starts ringing in your pocket; or when you catch the last train by two seconds.

Love us more than you love work, money or sex. But don’t love us too tightly or we might suffocate. Don’t do it too generally, we might believe you and fly away.

Love us in that exact amount that can’t be measured; in that foreign language nobody can pronounce; in that serene, dark place of daylight between your heart and you; no more or less than you first love yourself.

 

[Photos: Audrey Hepburn / Brigitte Bardot / Robert Dosineau]

 

 

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About Andrea Balt

Co-Founder / Editor in Chief of Rebelle Society, Wellness Alchemist at Rebelle Wellness & Creativity Curator at Creative Rehab. Unfinished book with a love for greens, bikes and poetry; raised by wolves & adopted by people; not trying to make art but to Be Art. Holds a BA in Journalism & Mass Communication, an MFA in Creative Writing & a Holistic Health Coach degree from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition®. In her work she tries to reflect the wholeness of the human experience by combining Art & Health + Brains & Beauty + Darkness & Brilliance into a more alive, unabridged and unlimited edition of ourselves. She is also on a quest to reinstate Creativity as one of our essential Human Rights to (hopefully and soon) be included in the UN Declaration. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram and sign up for her Monthly Stroke of Renaissance.

Comments

68 Responses to “What Women Really Want.”

  1. Andréa Balt says:

    Thanks Julian, I'm a fan of your wriitng on ELE, as well.

  2. Andréa Balt says:

    Thanks a lot Lisa, we need to learn to love ourselves despite our contradictions and nonsense. I tried to illustrate it. 🙂 That's exactly the point, you can't be contained or fully defined by any concept or label. Only love can, but in a way that goes beyond common sense.

    I did receive some hurtful comments and messages (meanest ones not on this page) but then again, for each negative comment there were at least 20 positive ones, so, all constructive criticism considered, in the end you just can't please everyone. But that's ok, it's what makes life interesting.

    If you feel the writing urge in you, I encourage you to share your thoughts even when it hurts (especially when it hurts). Life's too short not to speak one's mind.

  3. darkstardust says:

    I enjoyed this article very much, with the exception of the bit about the spider. Perhaps I'm unclear on what you meant by "be gentle" following the statement about the foot orphaning the children (and I do hope that I was reading you wrong), but I may also be something of an anomaly. My idea of the word "gentle" involves being brave & strong enough to carefully capture, relocate & respect the small creatures in question. Personally, I love arachnids & generally prefer to leave them wherever they've chosen to be…

    Anyway, great piece! =)

  4. Aunty says:

    Finally, some sense.

  5. Andréa Balt says:

    Thanks! Just noticed this comment. Sorry if that was offensive. Didn't mean to at all. I was just trying to capture the typical "kill-that-spider-for-me-please". I feel bad when I have to kill a spider or a cockroach and there's no way of being gentle when you step on a little critter. The point was meant to be contradictory. 🙂 Feel for spiders though…

  6. […] selfless, ghost transparency. Yo lover, what do you want (or what do you not)? Please figure it out by yourself, don’t look at me, I don’t know your answers, I’m just […]

  7. Omiya says:

    Sorry ladies who complained. This is actually true. Yes, you can be a feminist, an intellectual, a powerful woman, independent and stubborn, and still be complicated and want someone to love you. The piece is satire, and it is also kind of true. Sorry but them's the facts. We behave like this, but we grow up and realize we are behaving like this. It all comes down to open communication in the end. Frankly, I enjoy being a feminine woman sometimes in need of protection and soothing and care. It feels good 🙂

  8. RememberTheSunlight says:

    wow. this is beautiful and accurate and amazing. Thank you for your eloquence and your truth. Beautiful.

  9. Maybe you oughtta just lighten up: or write a book, since you're (apparently) the expert….

  10. Andréa Balt says:

    Thank you for reminding me of the sunlight.

  11. Andréa Balt says:

    Me too. I'm very typical in most ways. And I love to laugh at myself about it. I also appreciate other women who don't share any of these "complications" (lucky them!). But nonsense can be so much fun sometimes.

  12. […] Big Mike Table this morning when she came in for her daily IV drip. Joy was all agog over an essay she read by a writer named Andrea Balt on the web journal […]

  13. Mewse says:

    The writing is good. The meaning in the writing? Clear as mud. I mean it's riddled with contradictions. Poetic? Yes. Enjoyable? Yes. Ideal? Too much so. Practical? Practically none.

  14. Andréa Balt says:

    Thanks Mewse!

    That's exactly the point (unpractical). It's all contradictory except the last point, meaning — "love is all you need".

    Unless it's not. 🙂

  15. […] most of the good ‘n’ easy ones were taken and I used to be more complicated back then; so I figured I’d stick with something longer and harder to grasp, so it’d actually […]

  16. […] something”. In this case we’d stop referring to it as such and there’d be no more need for clumsy interpreters like […]

  17. Dee says:

    Pfft! Everyone is a critic. And then some of them simply love being critical. Is this post going to be studied in college composition courses? Nope, probably not. But its obvious that wasn’t Ms. Balt’s intention. I enjoyed it, Andrea. Thakn you for sharing.

  18. […] I’m looking up toward the conservation and the sun is at a great place between branches so that it gives this great filtered light. It’s hitting some of the leaves from the passion vine that weaves through our porch and it’s making them glow an almost fluorescent green. There’s a hawk hunting overhead, its magnificent wings spread wide as it glides around in that blue, blue sky dotted with just a scattering of fluffy, glowing clouds. I just want to have it all flow through me. […]

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