Sex: Not For the Faint of Heart. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf

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I got fucked open by the Universe recently.

And not in a hippy-dippy, namaste, all-you-need-is-love sorta way. I mean in a total possession, out-of-control, freak-out sorta way. And since filling you in on the details would probably involve a good five hours of chain smoking and tequila shots, let’s just cut to the chase and say, it wasn’t very pretty—or rather, it wasn’t very ladylike.

There’s a reason why American conservative and religious leaders are doing their very best to crack down on sexuality. It threatens a system built on predictability, logic and the survival of a moral code based on patriarchal rule. We are seeing more and more the push for abstinence-only education, new bills are being passed limiting talk of ‘gateway sex’ in the classroom and abortion rights and easy access to contraception are under fire.

Then you have social conditioning parading around as ‘normal behavior’ adding another layer of obscurity to our already warped sense of sexuality (much of it tied up in the arenas of romance, commitment and relationships). This can be seen in books such as The Rules (a woman’s guide to capturing the heart of Mr. Right), classes taught by professional ‘Pick-Up Artists’ and Hollywood films hammering home the message that once you find ‘The One’ then all your fairy tale wishes will come true.

Finally, if you get through the labyrinth of political and social nonsense sitting on top of your sex, you have to then contend with your own booby traps and deadbolts:

I’m too tired for sex
I don’t deserve sex
My vibrator/pornography gets the job done without the hassle
I’m straight/gay/married, etc, so I could never have sex with that person.
I’m too fat/ugly/old for sex
If I have sex now, I’ll be giving away the milk before he/she buys the cow
I’ve been hurt by sex in the past

So yeah, it’s pretty obvious why opening one’s sex is one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood of human journeys.


OK, a little more context. I went to a meditation retreat a few weeks ago and one of the things that came up for me was a huge amount of sexual trauma in my body. I had some floating memories of where this came from, but the history mattered less than the knots of terror that had embedded themselves in my genitals and were now passing through my system. The result looked a lot like a scene from The Exorcist. Screaming, shaking and crying rushed out of me as my pride (which had calcified on top of my trauma) began to burn away. Through the rusty faucet of my now flowing sex, a rotting cesspool of unexpressed anger took me over so powerfully, I thought I was going to die.

Obviously, I did not die (literally), but afterwards I felt as if I had been flayed alive. Every sound and touch was like pots banging in my ear or mites biting my skin. I had no more filter for how I was experiencing life. With no filter, my self-expression was direct, concentrated and immediate. This expression didn’t have time to collect a residue that would eventually fester and stink of shame (which would, of course, later end up in the basement of my soul with the other unsavory bits).

And then…something miraculous happened.

In the midst of my rawness, my lover came to me…and I could feel my pussy for the first time. I mean, on a profoundly deep level. All these years of thinking I knew what good sex was (I mean, I’ve been climaxing with a stash of porn since I was eleven, thank you very much), I had never dreamed of feeling something like this. It’s a little hard to put into words, but just set aside your woo-woo prejudice for one moment and stay with me.

Whereas before I was simply feeling my own body, I was now feeling my own body through the tip of his cock, which he was feeling (obviously). And I could feel him feeling his cock and feeling me with his cock. So it’s as if there was a circuit of connection—from me, to his cock, to his mind, back to his cock, and to me again—that added a whole new dimension of sensation to the experience. I wasn’t only in my orgasm, I was also in his orgasm, which then melded and becomes the shared orgasm. It’s as if one plus one did not equal two, but infinity.

Photo: Bryan Brenneman

Now I’m not saying every moment was bliss and rainbows and magical Candyland. For me, sex encompasses a lot more than the linear trajectory we typically ascribe to it (a kiss leads to above the waist action which leads to oral which finally leads to the grand slam intercourse and ejaculation). I mean, is it sex if, as he’s entering me, my body contracts into an accordion of fear, with the infantile mewing of “No, no, no” escaping my lips? Or is it sex when a man is reduced to tears of repentance the moment my velvet pussy lips slip around his cock? Or is it sex if I spend the whole night floating my hand over the warm fur of his chest in a state of wonder? For me: yes.

Sex is the most volatile arena for exploring who you are in the world and what you are running away from will typically arise in sex—quickly and in obvious contrast to everything you think you are.

Facing this kind of ego death is a viable reason to keep sex tucked away in the back drawer of our psyches. But the reward for allowing all of myself to arise and to be witnessed and loved by someone else in that vulnerable state was nothing short of total liberation.

And I realized: to the extent that I could set aside my ‘script for good sex’ and allow myself to be penetrated with no judgment on what arose, I could actually experience God in connection with another human being. Which is what I think we are most hungry for on this planet (case in point: I had a recent OM, a.k.a. Orgasmic Meditation, with a friend of mine, who was grateful to stroke a woman who has spent time cultivating her orgasm because for him it was like ‘physical nourishment’).

Photo: Caza No 7

Society teaches us that power lies in being the unrelenting penetrator. Go in hard, no holds barred and don’t come back until you’ve got the prize. It’s goal-oriented, it’s hard and fast and relies on brute force. We feel like we are in control of it all and get an ego boost when we shoot a giant wad after just one good thrust from our monstrous cocks, be that in boardroom or in the bedroom. It’s a brand of pseudo-masculinity that’s sort of like bad Chinese food—it fills you up in the moment, but leaves you hungry and undernourished over time.

Yet to admit that underneath all the bravado, we are dying to be penetrated is to come face-to-face with every taboo we have around sex and relating, especially for men. Look at the snarky remarks made whenever anyone mentions anal sex. Or the brutal jokes told in reference to gay men. In fact, the phrase ‘To be fucked over’ implies that you were a dumbass who put out and got nothing in return (which also ties into the often transactional nature of sex—make sure you get yours before they get theirs, lest you be ‘fucked over’). And who in society gets ‘fucked over’ all the time? Why pussies, of course.

Unfortunately, this negative view of being fucked (and the notion that the one being penetrated is somehow ‘weak’) is keeping us from the intimacy and connection we so desperately crave. Let me tell you from experience: it takes a lot of courage to be fully fucked open, to surrender to the Spirit within and to let all of her out in the presence of another. It is not weakness to be fucked open, but a place of power. And within that power, you will find innocence.

As for penetrating: this is actually the most surrendered position of all, for the penetrator must be willing to hold total presence and ride the waves of whatever arises. And it’s not physical strength that matters most, but the strength of commitment to stay 100% connected that creates the space for the penetrated to open and release.

In time (and to make things really interesting), there comes a point when the roles of penetrator and penetrated switch between partners from moment to moment—regardless of who has what member in what orifice. Many a skilled courtesan has deeply penetrated a man while his cock was inside of her.

And in the final stage of pure grace, the roles fall away completely and the Universe takes over. You become the penetrated and the penetrator. The fucker and the fucked. Kali and Shiva. Adam and Eve (and Lilith and the Apple and the Snake).

Get it? Of course you don’t. I don’t even get it.

It’s a felt experience, not a rational one. In fact, I feel like I have had only a taste of the sheer potential available in the realm of my sex. Will I ever have this kind of experience again? Who knows. The path now is to simply keep feeling my way rather than trying to chase an ideal. But my intuition says if I continue to play like this, there are many doors that will open into ballrooms and caverns I never thought possible. I started my OM practice over two years ago and what was once an opening the size of a pinhole is now a quarter-sized aperture of orgasmic expression. It feels like the journey (with its feathers, stingers and silky, warm wetness) is just beginning.

Courageous Ones
By Candice Holdorf (written May 2009)

It’s the Courageous Ones
Who dare to tread My salty shores
Who spread their fingers
In My deceptive seas
(with hidden octopus
and pink jellyfish)

But when My tempests rage
And oceans wage war
Against their virgin skin
(Which rebels in welted bliss)
They think of it as a baptism
And bow their heads in honor

For who but a holy fool
Would offer sacraments
To My shrine…
And spend his whole life
Suffering for the religion
Of My Love?

~ Like elephant journal gets sexy on facebook ~


Editor: Lynn Hasselberger

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Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is a writer, performer, sex + life coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a performer and public speaker specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. She is also a former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follow her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube

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anonymous Dec 14, 2014 11:05pm


anonymous Aug 6, 2014 8:07pm

This is an extremely stimulating article…especially "the circle". Great way to explain it. Loved it! Whew!

anonymous Jun 29, 2012 5:07pm

[…] you start by assuming that the best sex you have ever had is perhaps really close to the best possible sex then there is not much room for improvement. But […]

anonymous May 26, 2012 7:25pm

"I could actually experience God in connection with another human being. Which is what I think we are most hungry for on this planet …" Zactly~! And thank you.

anonymous May 15, 2012 11:45am

Wonderful sharing of your experience……… When we embrace our sexuality we can embrace wholeness

    anonymous May 15, 2012 12:35pm

    Indeed…thank you for reading!

anonymous May 11, 2012 1:51pm

This kind of writing is mind bending, hope saturating and… beyond brave. As a writer, I truly appreciate the effort it requires to take something so emotional and primal and turn it into something intelligible and gripping. That usually requires poetry. Thank you, Candice. I am sharing this post with my readers. I look forward to more of your insightful and personal posts.

    anonymous May 11, 2012 4:02pm

    Wow, I am humbled and honored by your words. Thank you so much for sharing with your readers! Be well…

anonymous May 10, 2012 8:04pm

this was so powerful for me to read. i have longed (and still long) for this kind of deep lovemaking experience my whole adult life. the paragraph ending with “sort of like bad chinese food” is just brilliant. you are a wonderful writer. thank you.

    anonymous May 10, 2012 9:57pm

    Thank you so much for reading. If it is possible for someone like me (who practically avoided sex for 28 years of her life) I am positive the kind of sex you are looking for is available to you. Many blessings on your journey.

anonymous May 9, 2012 1:41pm

What you are describing is so difficult to capture in words, and you did it brilliantly! I think more and more of us are being "abducted" by the Sacred Sexual, and thereby falling open to all that means, and leads us to. Thank you!

    anonymous May 9, 2012 4:32pm

    "Abducted"–such a fascinating and perfect way to describe the experience! Thank you!

anonymous May 8, 2012 4:08pm

Ive read this three times today and can’t tell you enough how it’s resonated with me. I read a lot on the web, but rarely comment (long time listener, first time caller syndrome). But I wanted to tell you thank you for sharing. It’s something I needed to hear; something I needed to remember again.

    anonymous May 9, 2012 10:32am

    Thank you for reading and for sharing your voice…my desire for you is that your memories will spring open new doors on your journey…blessings…

anonymous May 6, 2012 11:52pm

Well done piece, I loved it. As men, we can experience powerful, raw, viceral, yet beautiful and spiritual bliss in copulatory abandon as the masculine fucker-opener. Men can get blown open too, pun intended.

A good fuck will make you feel like you're close to death. That means you're doing it right. The next day, if you've done it right, hip flexors & glutes, and the sex organs, will retain an energetic imprint of the even akin to the delayed onset muscle soreness that comes after a taxing workout.

    anonymous May 7, 2012 10:53am

    A good fuck can make you feel that way for sure…and then there's also a kind of sex that is so exquisitely light and precise that to move one millimeter would be a crime. This can open one up in ways beyond belief. You may feel floating and energized right afterwards. That's the beauty of sex…it is a beast with many skins…

anonymous May 6, 2012 10:10pm

Candice, I am — almost — without words. Your piece here is traveling the thousands of paths of nerves contained within my body, crossing synapses, being carried via cerebral spinal fluid from head to tail, jumping over into the movement of hormones through my endocrine system, into my gut, out to the mysterious layers of etheric body, and lordy knows elsewhere! This exploration is huge and ego-busting, completely ordinary and certainly extraordinary, and I'm as terrified as I am exuberant over continuing my own journey and exploration of being a sexual being, a human being. Thank you for giving your resounding, truthful, fearless voice to so many of us "out here". Big fat bow of appreciation!

    anonymous May 7, 2012 10:50am

    Wow! What an experience YOU are having…I can feel it through the internet! Thanks for reading and a bow of appreciation to you as well.

anonymous May 6, 2012 11:09am

Wow. Coming across this at the age of 27 is… a blessing. Truly amazing.

Thank you so much for sharing this, Candice 🙂

    anonymous May 6, 2012 12:04pm

    Thank you for reading! Glad it resonated with you. Enjoy the journey!

anonymous May 5, 2012 9:05pm

Beautiful and powerful article. Thank you, Candice, for sharing your journey. Reminds me of a poem I came across 10 years ago when I first met the partner who would help me undo all the decades of sexual shame and damage as I helped him do likewise… we are still an amazing work in progress…

Great humility fills me,
great purity fills me,
I make love with my dear
as if I made love dying
as if I made love praying,
tears pour
over my arms and his arms.
I don’t know whether this is joy
or sadness, I don’t understand
what I feel, I’m crying,
I’m crying, it’s humility
as if I were dead,
gratitude, I thank you, my fate,
I’m unworthy, how beautiful
my life.

— Anna Swir

    anonymous May 6, 2012 2:59am

    Gorgeous piece…thanks for sharing…we are always a work in progress…

    anonymous May 8, 2012 6:20pm

    Beautiful poem! Thank you for sharing.

anonymous May 5, 2012 3:03pm

Great read indeed. Thanks for sharing so openly and deeply.

I can relate on many levels. At the tender age of 44 I am still at the very beginning of this exploration, and a lot still needs to be uncovered and worked through – I have been putting off that meditation retreat for years…

Would you mind sharing what kind of meditation retreat you did?



anonymous May 5, 2012 11:24am

Lovely and powerful piece, I very much resonated with it on many levels. I've found sex to be a blessing and a curse rolled up into an intense bordering on the insane experience which I've bounced back and forth from avoiding like a plague to chasing after like a staving man after the last morsel of food. Lately I've gotten in touch with just how much pain and fear is mixed up in it for me which brings me into a state of profound sadness because I so want to be able to freely connect in this way. Its a powerful realm for healing thats for sure! Thank you……..

    anonymous May 5, 2012 11:42am

    Beautifully said "like a starving man after the last morsel of food"–thank you for your vulnerability! So glad to hear that the piece resonates with your journey. Many blessings!

anonymous May 5, 2012 10:43am

This truth that the carnal is sacred, and that I could be fucked open to true nature, happened for me for the first time five years ago at the age of 45. I also retracted from this experience and this relationship shorty after, into a sport sexing shallow relationship with other and self, that almost killed me. So….watch for the tendancy of the mind/ego to rebound from this level of intimacy with god. Love your style girl.

    anonymous May 5, 2012 11:00am

    Thanks love–I have a pretty rocking' support network (and a Beloved who is present with me on the journey). Feeling very blessed indeed…xoxo

anonymous May 5, 2012 10:10am

Just posted to "Popular Lately" on the Elephant Spirituality Homepage.

Valerie Carruthers
Please go and "Like" Elephant Spirituality on Facebook

anonymous May 5, 2012 8:47am

Thank you.

Bob Weisenberg May 4, 2012 7:40pm

Just posted to "Featured Today" on the elephant love & relationships homepage.

Bob W. Associate Publisher
facebook, twitter, linkedIn
Yoga Demystified, Gita in a Nutshell

anonymous May 4, 2012 4:04pm

Holy crap, that was a great read! (Was it as good for you as it was for me?)

"And in the final stage of pure grace, the roles fall away completely and the Universe takes over. You become the penetrated and the penetrator. The fucker and the fucked. Kali and Shiva. Adam and Eve (and Lilith and the Apple and the Snake)."

Yes. Thank you.

    anonymous May 4, 2012 4:35pm

    I think you need a cigarette now 😉
    Glad you like it!