September 21, 2012

5 Things That Make Me Go, Seriously? WTF? ~ Teresa Ewan

I, as a way to avoid exercise and/or meditation, have been pondering lately about the randomness of life and wondering what the f*ck it all means.

Why does nothing ever turn out the way you think it will? Why does every meat we can’t identify taste like chicken? And, why is the hair color you end up with never the one on the box?

But, first, some vocabulary to set up the post appropriately.

Ever since Alanis released her song in the 90s, I’ve been a bit confused about the meaning of the word irony. The Macmillan Dictionary defines it as follows:


1. [Uncountable] a form of humour in which you use words to express the opposite of what the words really mean.
“You’ve been so kind,” she said, her voice heavy with irony.
A touch/trace/hint of irony: His writing contains a cheerful touch of irony.

2. [Countable/Uncountable] a strange, funny, or sad situation in which things happen in the opposite way to what you would expect
Tragic/bitter/cruel irony: By a cruel irony, General Franklin was killed at the very moment of his army’s great victory.
The irony (of something) is that: The irony is that it would have been faster to have taken the back roads after all.

Please note that this is versus sarcasm, which is defined as, “the activity of saying or writing the opposite of what you mean, or of speaking in a way intended to make someone else feel stupid or show them that you are angry.” No, really?

An “intellectually superior” (this is sarcasm) ex-boyfriend once told me that the Alanis song (which I liked at the time), misused the word irony.

However, if the Macmillan Dictionary definition is correct, then Alanis wasn’t far off—unless she actually changed the use of the word ironic through the power of Canadian music. (By the way, the ex-boyfriend was a dick—this is neither ironic nor sarcastic—it is merely accurate. And yes, I may be bitter—I’ll have to look it up just to confirm.)

So here we go—Five Things That Make Me go, Seriously? WTF?

1. This year I was going to study film-making but I thought, “Hmm, I want just one year of not being totally broke, so I’m going to work this year, buy a new car, pay off some debt, enjoy my life and then next year I’ll study. Next minutelost job (recession)…car costs a fortunemore broke than ever before…and can’t do anything that costs anything. What the f*ck?

2. (Warning: this contains Game of Thrones Season 1 spoilers, so skip if you don’t want to know.) 

I was a bit late in getting into Game Of Thrones, so I did that marathon first season catch up thing, where you go into a weird parallel dimension and start thinking that the characters are real and believing in dragons and so on. I’m still scarred by the irony of watching Sean Bean in a television program and thinking, “At last, Sean Bean has a part where he gets to live to the end of the series and isn’t a traitor of some sort.” And, well, G.O.T. viewers know how that one ended*Interesting fact: “Sean Bean dies” comes up as one of the top searches on Google when you type in the the name, Sean Bean. Maybe I was being a little naïve in thinking that he would make it to the end of G.O.T.

3. This morning, I got aggressively cut off from entering the motorway by a Christian radio and television sales rep (he had Rhema & Shine logos on his car and everything); he gave me the dismissive sour face and almost drove me off the road. Dude! What would Jesus do?

4a. I don’t know if this is ironic or not—this is a comment made on the affect of media, film making, reality versus fiction in the modern world and gossip magazines, on simple-minded people like myself.

It goes a little something like this: the other day, I was walking through a bookstore and saw the back cover of a book with a photo on it. “Hey,” I thought to myself, “that looks just like those photos of Ashton Kutcher where he was dressed like Steve Jobs in the 70s.” When I flipped the book over to look at the front cover, I realized that it was the autobiography of…wait for it…Steve Jobs.

So, the picture was actually Steve Jobs in the 70s, looking like Ashton Kutcher dressed to look like Steve Jobs in the 70s.

How did it come to this? Why didn’t I just think, “Hey, that looks like Steve Jobs?” When did “fake real” become more real than “real, real?”

4b. Another relevant question: When everyone is starving on Survivor island, what is the camera crew eating?

I have visions of all these people on one side in their loin cloths fashioned from animal intestines and what’s left of their sleeping bags, eating bugs and drinking their own urine—and on the other side, there’s a camera man eating a burger, under an umbrella, next to the catering table.

It kind of takes the whole survival thing out of Survivor. They should call it “Survivor” (refer to sarcasm definition above).

5. This is old news but it still bothers me: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.

Why, why, why? How will I ever have a long lasting relationship when they couldn’t make it? They’ve got an island dammit! How did this happen? When did hope die?

It feels like  finding out that Snow White has been dumped by the prince after being discovered videotaping herself involved in light bondage and MMF action with Doc and Sneezy in the palace pool house. It’s just plain wrong! (Just after I wrote this, I heard about Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Please refer to the above…but without the island).

It’s more than a little depressing.

I just have to keep on reminding myself that it can also go the other way…for example, “woman about to get evicted from house wins lottery”—or finally giving up on love and then meeting your soulmate in a parking garage.

Case in point: I was having a “poor me” moment, in regards to relationships awhile ago and as I lay on my bed in the “starfish of despair” (this is when I lie in the middle of the bed on my back in a starfish position and yell, “Why? Why?” at the ceiling—normally, I alternate between the starfish of despair and the clam shell of despondency—which is more like a fetal position and which, in opposition to the starfish, involves whimpering and muttering of, “Why, why?” rather than the full volume raging at the injustice of it all of the former).

So, anyway, as I lay there, I thought, “I don’t want to be Jennifer Aniston—always dating the John Mayers of life, while the Angelinas run off with our Brad Pitt (note to self: avoid combining self pity and alcohol with online tabloids in future). Within a few weeks of this thought, she was dating that super yummy Justin Theroux (who I have always had a serious crush on) and now they’re engaged!

I really want to be Jennifer Aniston right now.

So you see, you just never know when it’s going to turn around.

Is it karma? I don’t know—but it’s good to remember that sometimes things don’t go your way for no good reason—and not because of anything you’ve done…but, then sometimes, things do go your way, for the exact same lack of reason, so be ready for it!

Life metaphor for the week: Sometimes you lose a Brad…but sometimes you gain a Justin!


Teresa Ewan is a South African living in New Zealand. She has an irrational dislike of cycle shorts and is currently obsessed with mason jars. She has been an actress, an English teacher, worked in media and advertising and has generally done a gazillion different jobs and has an opinion on everything, which she believes has uniquely prepared her to have a whole lot of stuff to write about. She tries to write as much as possible–which is made harder by the way her cat likes to sit on her keyboard while she’s using it. Read her blog.

Editor: Bryonie Wise

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