September 3, 2012

Am I Meant to Be Alone Forever?

I believe most people have said, “I’m meant to be alone,” at some point in their life.

The sinking feeling you get when you “are” alone and feel disconnected; that moment where you feel something is irrevocably wrong with you and you just don’t play well in the sandbox with others.

It also appears when you’re having trouble or feel alone in your relationship. Maybe you believe no one is compatible with you? Doomed.

Those moments bring a sense of profoundness in their depth of emotion. Whether the emotion is anger, frustration, sadness or nostalgia…. its very strongly felt.

Some feel this way all the time.

It doesn’t matter where, in a room full of people or alone; it’s that feeling of separation or difference and not being able to overcome oneself and be vulnerable.

Seems we physiologically were born to be connected and belong. So if our wiring is set up this way, why the doubt or feeling of “loner-ville?”

Most of our feelings of thinking it’s meant to be this way are derived from past experiences. We think thoughts about ourselves, which aren’t true. We think we’re different, unique, difficult and weird. No one gets us, etc…

It’s just not true. We get caught in this cycle by talking ourselves into it and then we’re afraid to give someone a chance, because we were hurt in the past.

Kind of a crappy way to go through life, don’t ya think?

I know how I can be—I was alone in the past in many ways, thinking it was how I got along best. I was wrong. I was really lonely and depressed. I didn’t realize it, though anxiety was a constant companion. I thought I was just fine.

Being alone at times is a good thing; we can get clear, spend time doing what we want or need, etc. Too much of it though and we start building walls against the rest of humanity.

It can feel really safe and comfortable to be alone. The loneliness may take you down a few notches at times, but there is a place to hide when we are alone.

I used to find myself having a very difficult time, if I had no choice to be around others and wasn’t in the mood. I’d feel pressure to run away, needing to find my dark corner, so I could gather me up, put my pieces back together and calm my thoughts.

I don’t find this happens too often anymore, I prefer being around others, because it energizes me. Laughter is more enjoyable when shared with others.

It took a huge effort to believe I wasn’t meant to be alone. There are still days I wonder. When I look at my past relationships, I believe I sabotaged any hope of my love life ending up in a long-term commitment. Was I trying to end up alone, because of my choices? Was I just re-creating my childhood dynamics, which included my belief that I was alone? Unworthy?

There are so many ways we hurt ourselves, because we believe it’s all we deserve deep in our beliefs.

Have you committed to a toxic relationship, because you will eventually break-up and be alone?

How about unrealistic expectations of what the relationship is supposed to fulfill? Is it proof you’re so high-maintenance that you’re meant to be alone?

And then in the fear of ending up alone, some settle, because they’re insecure that what they really want isn’t out there. Or who they really want wouldn’t want them, so they take the long, slow death.

We talk ourselves in and out of things all the time. So, why talk ourselves into believing we’re meant to be alone?

Because it’s safe.

You don’t have to do anything; don’t change your perception, bust out of your patterns and stunt your growth, because that safety is just fear in disguise.

Fear of being hurt.

It always goes back to trusting ourselves to “handle hurt.” We are afraid of our own pain, our ability to deal with our emotions, if someone disappoints us.

It’s easier to deal with the pain of loneliness than the possible annihilation, which comes with being vulnerable and someone hurting us, irreversibly.

I know I was petrified for years of the possibility of someone ripping my heart out. I developed relationships, which were long, drawn out, pining for someone who for whatever reason had become invisible. Even better, were my impossible relationships—doomed to fail from the get-go. Safe and torturous.

And when any of those situations looked like it may work out, I made sure I sabotaged it with actions and excuses as to why it would never work, so I could go back to my safe lonely corner of the world.

You see “meant to be alone,” is a choice. Just like choosing creamer for your coffee.

When you’re open-hearted, love is there. Slowing down and recognizing when you say “no,” to opportunities to connect, check out your list of reasons why not, and ask yourself are they true?

Your match is out there. You may have to wade through a sea of jellyfish when you’re looking for the “star” fish. It also requires you to see where you have or are settling in a relationship, and get out.

Really do it, otherwise you’re alone everyday.

Time for a whole new vision of yourself and the world.

Take an eraser and wipe the slate clean of your past experiences, which influence your present choices.

It’s time to ask yourself those deeper questions, such as are you willing to be open to love someone else and yourself? Can you give up some independence for some inter-dependence? Can you be vulnerable and not completely freak-out?

It’s way more fun to not retreat to a dark corner, but instead to experience the laughter, tears, physical affection, friendship, love, support, and messiness that each of is with someone else.

All you have to do is say “yes!

Editor: Lynn Hasselberger

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