Pregnancy was the scarlet letter that made my sin public.

“Abortion is Murder.” That’s the message that came from the pulpit of the church my family belonged to. My world was very black and white until those two very distinct lines signifying a positive result were staring me in the face.

I grew up in a Pentacostal church. Gray areas signified sin. There was no middle ground. Staunch Republican views were championed and women were to submit to their husbands without question and sex was rarely discussed. If per chance it came up, intercourse was portrayed as a dirty, sinful behavior.

Photo: Beatrice Murch

Clearly abstinence was the only option in this camp and we didn’t learn much about “safe” sex. I knew condoms existed, but they weren’t to be trusted and birth control pills. Forget it!

Taking those just meant you were a whore. Safe sex equals no sex. Period. I remember one “lesson” described existence in heaven for virgins. They got to parade around the golden halls with their glittering crowns but those who had lost their virginity would be exposed as the sinful creatures they were, as their crowns would have vanished.

I remember thinking, “I’ll just never have sex because I want my crown.”

I did wait; until I was 19. With my tiara in the trash, I threw caution to the wind. This dirty, sinful behavior was way too enjoyable to lose too much sleep over.

20 years old and I was the smartest person alive. My relationship was envied by every female in my social circle. He was painfully handsome, lived in Boston and was hands down amazing in the sack. We were young, pleasantly naïve and we created a child. It was at that moment my world became very gray. The church told me abortion was murder but I was petrified of telling my parents I was pregnant.

Pregnancy was the scarlet letter that made my sin public.

As a woman who exercised the right to choose, the current “debate” about abortion, birth control and generally everything to do with women’s rights, infuriates me. At 20 years old and a junior in college, I was in no position to raise a child. Had the circumstances been different I’m not sure what the outcome would have been. I do know that I chose the only option that seemed feasible, and at 33 I stand by my decision and want every female, regardless of what they believe, to be free to choose what happens with her own body.

Our bodies and subsequent choices about them should not be determined by the church or the state but rather by the individual herself. Choosing an abortion is one of the most difficult decisions anyone could ever make. In my opinion, men should not be able to decide what a woman’s access to contraception (in any form) should or shouldn’t be. End of Story.

 

Cristine Trayner is a self proclaimed feminist, writer, dancer and movement educator. She is active within her community, raising funds and awareness for women’s issues through Iron Heart Circus and their support of local charities. She lives in the Seacoast of New Hampshire with her husband and their furry princess, Francesca Marie.

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Editor: Sarah Winner

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