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How many times have we made decisions that aren’t so great?

Sometimes in life we might make tough decisions that we think are in our best interest in the long run.

Even if those decisions go against our values, impede our goals, or restrict our innate desires, sticking to them might bring us temporary relief.

I had made many decisions in the past that seemed right and made me feel strong and powerful. They weren’t the best decisions, but they worked for me at the time.

Looking back now, I see the truth. And the truth is, some of my decisions were trauma responses. They served as a survival mechanism to help me cope with upcoming threatening events.

As human beings, our automatic instinct is to survive, so we’d do anything to keep ourselves safe. That being said, we might make decisions on a daily basis that don’t make a lot of sense. We might shut down or reject something or someone completely as a reaction to trauma.

However, more often than not, we’re not aware of what’s really happening. Not all of us know that most of our choices stem from our painful and unresolved childhood wounds. Some of us live entire lives with decisions that make us miserable, without realizing that they’re unintentional reactions to bad or unwanted memories.

Trauma-based decisions might look different for everyone.

Nevertheless, I have realized that there are only three that are extremely common among those who had difficult childhoods.

1. The decision to not be in a romantic relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with staying single or consciously choosing to avoid falling in love with someone. However, more times than not, taking this decision over and over again might indicate a fear of commitment. Those who have experienced traumatic childhoods or painful, disappointing relationships may avoid commitment as a survival mechanism. Even if/when they fall in love, they sabotage the relationship and end up breaking up with their partner.

2. The decision to stop being nice.

Those of us who constantly try to please everyone may end up feeling disappointed and hurt when they’re not met with approval or validation. We’re either too agreeable or too hurt. When our niceness turns into pain, we flip and choose to stop being nice. That decision, unfortunately, is rooted in trauma because being too nice is a way to avoid rejection and conflict. We must learn how to say no and have boundaries while remaining kind and compassionate.

3. The decision to focus on work.

Feeling the need to be busy all the time stems from our fear of slowing down. When we slow down, our inner voice gets louder. We might have to face our worries and negative thoughts and deal with issues that we may have successfully brushed under the rug by keeping ourselves busy. Although there is temporary relief from our short-lived productivity, we shouldn’t forget that healing takes presence and courage to face this moment as is.

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