November 27, 2012

What’s Going on in Your Messed up Head?

Caught your attention?

Those words jumped off my Facebook homepage too.

I thought it was fairly eloquent considering it is a statement of frustration.

I think we’ve all worn the shoes of being that person. The one who is in a state of confusion, fear or some other emotional space, which makes for behavior that is inconsiderate or even abusive.

And it ain’t a party being on the receiving end, but why be there in the first place? When the yellow light is turning red, what should you do?

I’m not speaking to defend anyone or anything in your life. It’s how broadly we place the responsibility for our lives and happiness outside of ourselves.

Let’s face it: we are all “f**ked up.”

Each one of us is and guess what? It’s okay.

What’s not okay is the lack of responsibility we take for our messed up state of mind, emotions or actions when it’s in the context of others.

And whether you are the one who is wishy washy and comes forth exclaiming words of commitment, only then to retreat because you are not really sure of what you want… Whether you want a steak one day and are vegetarian the next…

Do everyone a favor: just stop.

If you are the receiver of all the sidetracking, backwards moving, yo-yo emotions of this special someone who runs hot and cold, one foot in and one foot out, there are some questions for you too.

As you watch from the sidelines, what are you doing to perpetuate the cycle? What is the benefit to you? Do you feel superior, judgmental or deserving of such treatment? Why?

There are numerous positions you can fill such as, taking the victim role, being stuck emotionally in the situation and not sure why, or possibly not wanting to be committed to the person or situation either. So, until you know the “why” of your position, you don’t know. Do yourself a favor and just stop too.

Now that everyone has stopped. It’s time to ask questions and listen.

Start with asking yourself questions to gain some clarity on what is messed up in your head. Whether or not you are the one who acts inconsistently or the receiver, you need to ask yourself some questions as to what makes this situation so appealing to you and what makes it completely suck?

The bottom line is we all need love and it is amazing how we can stand in the way of one of our basic needs, pretty much, most of the time.

Often as people get older, experiences start to weigh against taking a chance on love, affection or even truth.

Fear is paralyzing.

The fear that once they’ve been open and vulnerable a stampede of wild elephants is gonna trample their hearts. There may be the hope to play it safe or ease into a relationship, but it doesn’t work that way.

Fear creates all sorts of limitations.

The past can bring up all sorts of “fear.”

Mix vulnerability with fear and you have “crazy-making 101.”

Instead of talking about the panic someone feels as the spark of love starts to permeate their being, what usually happens is smoke and mirrors. They were here and now they’re gone or hiding or they’re physically here, but emotionally checked out.

The memory of losing “control,” or what appears to be control of a “neat, compartmentalized life,” is threatened by the presence of someone who can incite a loss of control once again, and look what happened last time!

The courage it takes to ask yourself questions and realize it has nothing to do with anyone else but you, is a major undertaking.

And either you are willing to take a step into the circle of fire or get an extinguisher.

This group isn’t the one to go up in flames or run screaming out of the campsite, no—we’re talking about the ones who kinda, sorta play with fire.

The ones who say one thing and mean another; the ones whose words and actions don’t match.

Yeah, that group.

And for those receiving all this nonsense, the long suffering martyr, victim or person who believes relationships are supposed to be so difficult that the only relief is to punch oneself in the face and be knocked out…there is an opportunity here.

It’s actually an opportunity for two people to heal.

In short:

First is an individual recognition of the issue.

Second: Start asking yourself the hard questions. Not just “What the heck am I doing?” But, “What is this situation actually provoking in me? My feelings of unworthiness, value, the need to suffer, be alone or some other deep hidden belief?”

Third, is there value here with this person? If so, both parties have to agree that there is a reason for step four.

Fourth: Time for real listening, honesty and vulnerability. This is the most cathartic thing you can do for yourself, no matter what the outcome. No matter, which position you have in this relationship. When you are honest about your darkness, your crap, your needs and insecurities, it doesn’t make you a target. Instead, it gives you strength. If you allow the little monsters out of the closet into the light of day, they don’t remain in your head.

Fifth, you can agree to respect each other and when you hit the stumbling blocks or the monsters go back into hiding. It’s an opportunity to turn a cold-sweat into a chance for change. A change of direction toward intimacy and love.

Step five may happen in baby steps, but if both of you are willing then miracles can happen.


Ed: Brianna Bemel


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