I’m a F*cking Unicorn. (Or 10 Things to Do When You Get Fired for the First Time.)

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Warning: adult language ahead.

For the first time in my 37 years on this planet, I was fired from a job.

Sure, I’ve been fired from relationships and I’ve done my share of firing: lovers, friends, jobs, cities (countries even) and I have days where I’d like to fire myself. But being let go, as I’m discovering from this influx of emotions over the past hour or so since it happened, is unlike any experience I’ve had.

My ego is getting a good kick in the ass and this is a perfect opportunity to handle my hurt and disappointment in a very mature and responsible yogic-manner. Without further ado, here are 10 Things to Do When You Get Fired for the First Time:

1. Set a timer for 15 minutes or 20 minutes or however long feels like the right time for you and just let the tears flow. Make it a messy, 50-tissue cry, where your face is literally running and you can’t catch your breath. The more tears the better—the more snot the better—in fact, if you so choose, you can actually crawl into your bathtub and let the tears fill up the tub around you (this will help prepare you for number nine, as well as conserve water).

2. During the cry time, feel as rotten as you want. Call yourself a loser, tell yourself you’re not good enough and that you don’t fit anywhere and that nobody is ever going to ‘get’ you. Wonder, loudly, how you’re going to pay your bills and how you’re going to do all the things you see yourself doing in your heart of hearts. By this point, you will have convinced yourself that you are the worst yoga teacher or (insert profession here) that ever was and that you might as well just pack up your mat and give up.

3. Take a deep breath. Take another one. Repeat.

4. Put on your coat, leash your dog and walk over to the liquor store. Or favorite ice cream shop. Or flower shop. Or book store. Or whatever. The point is, and you’ll realize this as you’re walking, explaining it all to your dog, as he’s a great listener, is that really, yes, you’ve just lost a few key things…but you’ve also been set free. You have been set free and it’s time to celebrate. Pop in to pick up a bottle of bubbly (alcoholic or not), thank the kind police officer who has stepped outside to watch your dog and then feel your heart start to soften and open: there are kind people on the planet…they do still exist.

5. This feeling of freedom will start to make your body feel light, so on the walk back to your warm home and purring cats, you can run and leap with your dog: you are now seriously starting to realize something—and this perhaps is the most important thing of all.

6. You are a fucking unicorn. You are a fucking unicorn and all this time, you have been trying to be a horse. You very carefully hid your horn every time you stepped in the room, pretending that you were more horselike and able to do horse-like things but what you were really doing was repressing the best parts of you. It’s simple: unicorns are unicorns and horses are horses. One can’t be like the other—it just doesn’t work that way. When you hide who you are, truly, madly, deeply, at the core of your being and try to fit into some other idea of you, you start to dull; you shine less. Your horn starts to lose it’s power because it’s not being infused with everything it needs to stay alive and before you know it, your heart is crumpling in your hands.

7. With this epiphany taking place, put on some music that helps you roar (tonight Feist/Metals for me), sit down and write. Or draw. Or paint. Or photograph. Or sing. Find a way to express yourself that is your true form of expression. And if you’re still not sure what that is, then keep trying. Try everything once and a thousand times, until you find it. Your horn has been unveiled and you have been revealed as yourself; your frequency will start to increase and your horn will start to shimmer and glow.

8. Don’t forget about the bubbly that you put in the fridge. Pause a moment, go and get it and pour yourself a glass. Sit down in front of your altar (or place that grounds you and space that holds you), light some candles and sit. Sit and bask in the magic of all that you are and all that you will be. This was unexpected and a shock…but not, really. You’ve known all along that you are meant for other things—that sometimes, as we search for our voice, as we dive deep to locate our groove, we have to pretend that we’re horses, or elephants, or zebras. We try on all sorts of masks and try to fit ourselves in where we simply don’t belong. Sit and sip and be still.

9. Turn off all of your electronics and fill the bathtub the rest of the way; your tears are a good base but you’ll need some epsom salts and even some bubbles if you have them (it’s a bubble kind of night) as the bath continues to run. Light candles. Strip down, get into the tub and soak. Stay there for as long as it takes…you’ll know when it’s time to get out. Let everything be present with you; hold your disappointment and glee, coo to your heartache and newly found freedom, stroke worry and optimism about what happens next, with your loving heart. When your finger tips start to prune, it’s probably time for the last step.

10. Get into bed, pull a card from your favorite tarot deck, set it beside your bed to welcome it into your dreams. Turn out the light and snuggle up with your best friend, furry snoring beast that he is, find comfort in his warmth. And just before you drift off to sleep, give thanks for the opportunity to parade around as a horse, settling into the knowing that you are now free to be the fucking unicorn that you are and that starting tomorrow, your very own face is the only one that you will wear.


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Bryonie Wise

Bryonie’s life is rooted in the belief that when we come from a place of love, anything is possible. When not teaching yoga or writing her heart to the bone, she can be found frolicking in the sunshine with her camera & her dog, Winston, living her yoga. Stay in the loop of all her magical happenings, connect with her on Facebook, TwitterInstagram—& maybe even add her first book, HEART ROAR: A Book of Tiny Prayers to your collection.


55 Responses to “I’m a F*cking Unicorn. (Or 10 Things to Do When You Get Fired for the First Time.)”

  1. Tiff says:

    I LOVE THIS. I also recently came to the realization of my own true unicorn nature. I’m still getting used to the horn, but it feels awesome nonetheless. Thanks for posting this. 🙂

  2. Jason Gan says:

    There is nothing subtle about this at all 😉

  3. Joe Sparks says:

    Very sad you had to go through this by yourself. You do not have to give up on your desires to enjoy life, to have fun, to have a good life. Just don't beat yourself up. Even if things are very hard for you sometimes ( even for long periods of time), it will always be possible eventually to find a way ou tof difficulties and have a good life. Ther are other people that you can make contact with who will be eager to join you in cooperating in having a good life. Most people still wish for a good life even though they have gotten no further for a long while then just wishing for it. Good Luck.

    • laydowninthetallgrass says:

      Hi Joe,

      Thanks for your kind words. There certainly is no giving up and I know that everything is possible. I appreciate your words of encouragement.


  4. Booo to getting fired but this is awesome! And, in case you forgot since you wrote this: you are a fucking unicorn!!! (And I'm sending you Christmas cookies!) xo

  5. Andi says:

    Loved this very very much…. It works for other soul crushing type days as well…. Thank you for giving me a perfect fix – a reminder to fling and flail my way through without apology.

  6. Michelle Marchildon says:

    Make a list of the five things you couldn't do while you pretending to be a unicorn, then start doing them or find a job that will let you do them. This is your moment to figure it out.

  7. Aisha says:

    everything is exactly the way it should be.

    awesome text. love it. even though I'm not fired, I can relate.
    I'm a f***** unicorn too!
    so many unicorns here tonight.
    well, I salute you sisters and brothers

  8. Andie says:

    I love this! Now, go find a job that celebrates your horn.

  9. […] but then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels flawed and bizarre in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me […]

  10. […] recently read Bryonie Wise’s article “I’m a F*cking Unicorn. (Or 10 Things to Do When You Get Fired for the First Time.)” and it really struck me. At least the unicorn part. He writes, You are a fucking unicorn. […]

  11. BA105 says:

    Hello Bryonie, may I just say very well done for an excellent article. It makes me feel much more confident and encouraged about being fired from making extremely risky and ill-founded decisions with funds from the bank that I work at – those innocent fools who lost their money can be safe in the knowledge that I am now at peace.

  12. rose says:

    When I first read the title, I thought it said "10 Things To Do To Get Fired"…..golly, to have ever even HAD a job I didn't WANT to get fired from was my challenge. I actually had a boss tell me in his office that if I said that would again, I think it was the F word, that I would be fired. Just then someone knocked on the door. I opened the door to find a co-worker friend where upon I said, "Scott, come back. I'm getting fired." I then turned around and at the first opportunity used the F word and got fired. The restaraunt was under new management and it was horrible. Managers that called we girls the C word…..Anyway, mission accomplished. Unfortunately, I have a low tolerence for work…same as Maynard G. Krebs.
    That said. Roll with the punches. (Older and wiser)

  13. Neety says:

    This came at the right time.
    I am being victimised at work, being pushed to quit.
    And then I find your article.
    I think I should quit, cuz its changing me as a person.
    Also cuz a Unicorn has no place among a herd of horrible Horses.

  14. Neety says:

    This came at the right time.
    I am being victimised at work, being pushed to quit.
    And I find your article.
    I think I should quit, cuz its changing me as a person.
    Also cuz a Unicorn has no place among a herd of horrible Horses.

  15. xerxes says:

    I am approaching two months of unemployment myself after getting laid off myself after 25 years with the same company. This was helpful to me, and thanks for pointing out that I am a unicorn too! Anybody hiring unicorns? 🙂

  16. Kudra says:

    I loved this! I will certainly be revisiting this in a few years or so!

  17. […] with the unicorn—be more careful this year when moving forward with new ventures and with health. Everyone knows unicorns are cooler than pigs. As well as pretty much anything else in the Zodiac. Basically, if you’re not a robot unicorn, […]

  18. […] “It’s nothing personal. You are free to go now,” were her last words in our exit interview. I saw her bathed in a swirl of fire from her red hair, like the embodiment of Kali severing my head. I nodded, smiled and waved as I left. […]

  19. M.J. says:

    Brilliant. Thank you. I'm 45 and just went through the Exact Same thing and This is exactly what I believe. Thank you, again.

  20. Erin says:

    LOVE this. I just got the same damn message…

  21. Edith says:

    Love this!! I've been hiding my horn and the more I allow myself to be me the more it seemingly upsets others, maybe I will be fired too. who knows. Be the F*@king UNICORN. The rest will fall into place.
    THANK YOU for sharing this.

  22. rupert magoo says:

    Laid off and fired are a bit different i'd say, both terrible but one is a bit less offensive maybe…can't imagine going through a firing it would surely make you doubt yourself until you really got a grip on exactly what the reason was, if it was you or if it was the company who was more to blame. I've been fired once, my 2nd job actually as a young teenager for smoking a joint on the job site HAHA. I can't imagine being fired for anything other than a blatant disregard for the company, i hope it was the company's fault for firing you and had nothing to do your performance or attitude!

  23. C.B. says:

    Been there, fired from that! Ironically, a yoga studio. My personal Recovering Yogi moment. I couldn't stand to see a place I loved suffering from really poor decisions. Saw something, said something. Got my walking papers. Apparently I was "spreading negativity."

    Now I get to contribute my ideas where they're welcome.

  24. OMG Thank you for this! Haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Yes! I know! I AM!!! Finally!

  25. MeghanMathis says:

    Funny and uplifting article – especially love number ten. Many years ago a professor told me "if you've never been fired from a job, you're probabaly a pussy". His words eased the sting of being canned and I came to realize – I'm really not a pussy nor would I ever become one and sell my soul for money. (I did shed some tears over the firing) Most of us aren't born a fucking unicorn, but grow our horns through those life lessons, then self-actualize into a one.

  26. ahimsatribe says:

    awwww!!! i just want to give you a massive fucking unicorn hug and congratulate you on a kickass healing to do list 😉

  27. Ina Sahaja says:

    AWesome! So, where do all the other unicorns hang out?

  28. writtenfromtherooftop says:

    An exciting new adventure awaits !!!
    *unicorn head boop*

  29. The lyoness says:

    Yay! I LOVED this! We are all mystical creatures trying to live in a world that expects us to be less. Kudos to you and your outlook. Love ya!


  30. babybird says:

    This makes me laugh everytime I read it. I got fired once too…. because sometimes you get fired! Thank you for sharing you sharing your words

  31. CPL says:

    Great summary of getting canned. I’ve been slipped once or twice. Learned a bit more about myself. 1) I hated working someone else’s time table. 2) I had other things to offer but IT nerd, like handy man.

    Enjoying the switch, helps keep the schedule flexible and develops that broad frame of mind to ask yourself that question. “What the hell am I doing here?” and of course the inevitable “What’s the rush?”.

    Chin up.

  32. Barbara says:

    my mom sent me this. love it love it love it!!!!!! thank you:)

  33. MoonshineHigh says:

    Just, thank you.

  34. Jenna B. Wiser says:

    You will NOT go through this alone!!!

  35. Mika says:

    Thank you for this.

  36. Thanks for sharing such an amazing post. It is really a helpful post

  37. Katie says:

    Thank you so much for this. It's hard being a mythical beast sometimes.

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