4.7

Confessions of a Masturbating Christian. ~ Allison Braun

Source: ellauniverse.blogspot.pt via Tara on Pinterest
Orgasms Suck.

My fear of self-pleasuring started the day I heard my church was starting an A.A.-type group for guys addicted to masturbating. I was probably about 13 at the time—hormones raging—and in that moment I thought, “I’ve got to stop!”

Then the realization kicked in. Not only was masturbation a sinful act worthy of an addiction recovery group for guys, but it was so bad that women didn’t do it at all—because we didn’t even have group.

Guilt and shame were followed by a sense of being alone. For all I knew, I was the only girl who was getting off—aside from the married women and sluts who had sex. I had no idea where I stood compared to others because this was just not a topic to be discussed—especially by girls.

After a couple days of sheer will power I succumbed to “the urge.”

At this point, I felt that orgasm—and even pleasure—was, in general, something that was wrong and shameful. Orgasm needed to be reached quickly while hidden under the covers.

This meant that the experience was only half enjoyed for…oh, about a minute from orgasm onset. And even then, it was still bracketed by both pre- and post-pleasure guilt. At the time I had no idea how profound this situation was nor how much it would affect my capacity for healthy sexual expression over the following years.

Growing up, I began to disassociate pleasure—especially sexual pleasure—from being ‘good’ or ‘healthy.’

I experienced this weird inner battle, between mind and body. It felt so natural for me. It was as if my body knew that this was the path to enlightenment, pleasure, purpose and healing—but my mind had always been taught to question that knowing.

This battle continued on for many years.

Unfortunately, and as is the case for so many other women, serious stuff had to happen before I began to see the importance of coming back to my body’s original knowing.

Serious stuff you ask?

Yes, and which included such things as forced sexual situations, trusting others more than myself, anxiety, skin cancer, a sexually transmitted disease, and worst of all—a lack of expression and knowing of who I really was. 

It took a few of those things to pop up before I really saw the depth of the connection between my confidence, expression, health and how I felt about my sexuality and sexual expression.

On my journey of personal growth and health, I have received many certifications and have participated in countless workshops and courses. I even received my degree in natural health. But it wasn’t until I brought this last piece in—that of being okay with, and actually embracing my sexual expression—that I felt complete.

I had to find a way to merge my body’s knowing with my mind’s own resistance.

I am still on this journey of personal growth, and I know there will be never-ending healing and experiences that will come my way through exploring and expressing my own sexuality. But, there have been a few pivotal moments so far that have helped to bridge this gap for me.

  1. I received permission to be in and to support being my sexual self. And, just to clarify—I am not a crazed sex fiend. What I mean by ‘being my sexual self’  is simply that I am allowing my sexuality to be a part of my life instead of stuffed down and hidden inside.
  2. Talking about it.
  3. Connecting my body and mind through movement, in particular dance (go-go dancing to electronic music is, to this day, my favorite).

Now, I am able to see in my practice everyday how this disconnect between pleasure and goodness, or this battle between the body knowing and the mind resisting, is affecting women all over the world.

What I have noticed for myself and in other women is that when we give ourselves permission to enjoy pleasure—sexual pleasure—and begin to understand that it is our birthright, that is when we step into our authentic pleasure and everything really begins to shift.

Regardless of what messages you have received over the years, know that your authentic sexual expression will heal. And it is fun!  And it feels amazing!  It’s a never-ending journey, but most certainly one worth starting.

Allison Braun aka The Bedroom Joyologist is a sexual expression savant. After experiencing it first hand herself she now helps women let go of sexual guilt, shame and yucky “shoulding” so they can experience the passionate, soul-satisfying and deeply connected sex life and relationship they desire—first and foremost with themselves and an awesome partner too.

Her holiday gift to you is a Video Training Course on “Simple Steps Any Woman Can Take, Including YOU, To Get Out Of Your Head (in bed) and Turned ON In Your Body – Starting Today!”

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

~
Assistant Editor, T. Lemieux
Ed: Kate Bartolotta

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Meyoume Jan 5, 2015 2:46pm

Thank you for this great article.
Please where can I get the video mentioned? There is Jo link.
Yes am referring to "Her holiday gift to you is a Video Training Course on “Simple Steps Any Woman Can Take, Including YOU, To Get Out Of Your Head (in bed) and Turned ON In Your Body – Starting Today!”

Neil Sep 19, 2014 3:53pm

A widower walks into the doctor's office and explains that he is afraid of getting AIDS. He says that he is using all precautions possible like wearing a condum and rubber gloves but wonders if there is anything else he can do. The doctor asks "What does your partner do for protection?" And the man says, "Partner, what partner?"

Candice Mar 24, 2014 8:26pm

This was amazing, I could have written it. As a woman with a similar backstory, who only after my 30's felt comfortable enough to have an orgasm with my husband (of 10 years!), I can say shame is a big, big part of female life. I didn't get this from my parents, that I know of, but from religion. I don't, for a minute, think that any god or prophet would create this rift between couples. Getting to know myself, and allowing my husband to see that side of me, has been the most incredibly empowering, sexy, and endearing part of our relationship. No shame, no fear, just authenticity. If I don't come, great. We can see why. But when I do? Hot damn. I lament all those years we spent resenting each other for the sexual side of our relationship that wasn't working. This is something that is between me and him and has NO place in anyone else's opinion. I have 3 boys, one 13, who is very likely exploring his sexuality now. My husband has been my greatest teacher in this, how to be compassionate, how to lay boundaries (close and lock the door), about how privacy is important at an early age, and how it's all "healthy." (And also, conversing about how to introduce the topic of safe sex when it's appropriate. Not a moralistic standpoint, but a realistic convo about condoms, STDs and pregnancy) I wish girls got this same kind of understanding.

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