6 Reasons You’re Just Not Feeling the Love.

Via Tracy Crossley
on Feb 7, 2013
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Photo by: Miss A
Photo by: Miss A

Have you been in a relationship, past or present with someone you feel connected to on a very deep level, but at the same time, there’s something missing?

I’m not talking spark or a flame, I’m talking, you feel a wall or that your loved one isn’t fully present. At first, you may believe it’s something else or it’s your imagination.

It’s not.

I’m also not describing the differences between men and women—it’s the feeling of being with someone who’s protecting themselves to such a degree that you receive very little emotionally in return.

Their words can say, “I love you, you’re my soulmate, you’re my one and only…” but there’s a closed door and no matter how hard you knock, you can’t come in.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together a month or years, when you have someone who says they’re present, but you feel them disappearing as they’re speaking—even engaging in passionate sex or just hanging out—don’t ignore it.

First, it isn’t up to you to break down the wall.

This person has been protecting themselves before you came in the picture. It isn’t a measurement if they care or not, it’s a statement of their fear.

For whatever reason, this person can’t feel safe, trust, or believe that it’s going to be okay if they let down their wall. They may be waiting for someone to come along who has the perfect shoe size for the slipper, before they’ll fully open their heart.

And if so, it’s a disappointment they set up with their relationships, so they continue to be an emotional lone wolf. It’s their story—they would rather live in, then to actually live. Not your problem to fix.

Second, it’s not an act of God or brute force that will open his or her heart.

Please know, this person can decide at any moment of any day to open up and connect, but do yourself a favor and don’t wait.

I’m not saying run, I’m saying take care of yourself. In taking care of yourself, one of three things will happen: you’ll leave, they’ll leave or they’ll decide now is the time to connect before they lose the best thing they ever found.

Third, ask yourself how open and vulnerable you are in this relationship?

Are you emotionally available? Or have you taken their inability to be emotionally present, personally? Perhaps that’s the role you play in relationships?

We can get quite used to the victim role, someone always being the perpetrator to our noble deeds. We have a society built on it, our music, movies, stories….they all revolve around the same triangle.

Fourth, communicate what it creates for you.

Meaning, don’t tell someone they’re wrong or how you’re victimized—it’s not a matter of getting angry. Blaming someone for something they may feel helpless to change, doesn’t entice them to open up. Does force, pleading or coercing ever work?

Communicate what you need in a relationship: “I need to feel my partner is in the trenches with me—are you aware that when I’m with you, I feel something missing?”

Communication can break through, if it’s compassionate, safe (be open) and there’s a willingness from both parties to move in a similar direction.

At the very least it will resolve one thing: it will allow you to speak authentically about how you feel, where you’re at and what you need.

And that will feel good. No matter what happens.

Bento #254: Low-carb, high-fat breakfast!

Fifth, get rid of the damn compartments.

There will be a future explosion or meltdown from the heavy emotional weight carried by living a compartmentalized existence.

The heart is not a compartment, it’s open, expansive and allows you to feel connected.

The mind, if allowed to run things, will compartmentalize your emotional life. It will put your heart under lock and key. “Ewww, I don’t like pain, loneliness or any negative emotional state, so I am going to focus on this TV show, contemplate my belly button or feed myself some other B.S. so I don’t have to look inside.”

Whoever is compartmentalizing, whether it’s one or both of you, it’s a horrible way to go through life. Numb. I suggest you start feeling today and get to know those scary places inside.

Sixth, disappointment happens.

Deal with it. Hard to do, right?

It’s never, ever about trusting the other person to not hurt us, let us down, cheat, lie, steal.


It’s about trusting ourselves to emotionally handle the disappointment. We believe if we trust someone else they now have the power to crush our world.

No one crushes our world unless we let them.

And many of us still take others actions personally, we make them accountable for our happiness.

Why do we do this? It’s not as though they passed a test, which makes them perfect. They’re still human and so are you. We all screw up.

Learn to trust yourself to handle the feelings of loss, grief, betrayal…you can do it, but first you may have to do a little spring cleaning on what is in your closet, which keeps you disconnected and afraid.

Remember, we’re mirrors for each other, so when you don’t feel that loving feeling, start with yourself and look at the reflection.

Bonus: How to fall in love with yourself:



How Do we Know if we Love Someone?

Like elephant love on facebook.

Ed: Lynn Hasselberger


About Tracy Crossley

Tracy Crossley is a hyphenate: female, writer, curiosity quencher, artist, poet, gardener of real gardens and existential ones, clairvoyant, and momma to grown ups. She owns Intuitive Reinvention Inc. She is currently speaking, writing and mentoring people on getting out of their heads and dysfunctional relationships and into living an authentic, anxiety-free, happy and loving existence. If you want to learn more about her and how she can help you, check out a complimentary discovery session with her click to learn and schedule., Or find her on social media, facebook page, blog and on twitter, she always follows back. She also has a free weekly podcast show on many topics she writes about here click here to listen.


30 Responses to “6 Reasons You’re Just Not Feeling the Love.”

  1. kmzam says:

    Oh man does this hit home. Ouch. But thank you. It's one thing to know something about yourself. Quite another to consciously acknowledge it and figure out a way to change it …

  2. Charlie says:

    Talk about synchronicity…this smacked me in the face within hours of being forced to acknowledge the presence of such a relationship in my own life. All you said comes from a knowledge within that I have been trying to tune out. I needed this today…even though it made me break down haha, it gave me strength and hope too. Thank you.

  3. peacebunny says:

    wow amazing timing.. wow Thank you alot.

  4. Desiree says:

    You must have been watching my life on tv, because these were my exact thoughts about where my relationship is right now. Synchronistically poignant!!

    Thanks sooo much!

  5. leilra says:

    With every sentence I was screaming, "You're talking to me," in my head!
    This is so relevant to my life right now, so thank you (: Hopefully, communication can save what's left, but if not, that's okay too.

    This article made the things I need to examine in myself soooo much clearer. I always thought getting rid of any and all emotions would be awesome, to feel nothing, no pain. But, I see now that's a very sad way to go through life, experiencing nothing.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Awesome writing(:

  6. catnipkiss says:

    This was my last relationship, even though I wore his ring, he was not fully committed. It lasted five years and ended badly, but I think I learned something! (here's hoping!) – Alexa Maxwell

  7. Tracy says:

    Thank you!! It is absolutely to have that awareness, but you're right to figure out how to change it is another…I try to find the seed of origin, when was the first time I remember reacting/feeling a certain way. It's then, that we start to train ourselves unconsciously how we are in relationship. : )

  8. Tracy says:

    Wow! Synchronicity is a funny thing, isn't it? It is funny how the Universe works, sometimes with a nudge and at other times with a baseball bat. I'm glad it resonated with you. Thank you! : )

  9. Tracy says:

    You are welcome! It seems we all find what we need, the moment we could really use it…I appreciate your comment. : )

  10. Tracy says:

    Hi Desiree~ I totally get it!! Thank you for the comment. It's funny, I used to believe I deserved this type of relationship; along with it, I also didn't see how I made myself a victim in it. That was the hard part for me, taking responsibility. : )

  11. Tracy says:

    Hi Leilra~ I remember in the past having that same thought, about emotion. I was great at compartmentalizing, not reacting, holding it all in and intellectually responding to another. I thought I had mastered something too. It's been quite the journey since then to wholeness, to allowing emotion and being present. It definitely has made my life sweeter. Thank you for sharing too. : )

  12. Tracy says:

    Hi Alexa! It's fascinating what we tell ourselves when we're not ready to let go of someone. We allow ourselves to stay in something we feel on some level we deserve, until something happens. I'm sure with the awareness you have now, that you'll not settle for less in that way again or if you do, you'll recognize it sooner. Thank you! : )

  13. Laura says:

    Wow, I'm going through this right now and realized it before I invested too much time and feelings. Great piece!

  14. allison says:

    I needed this… word by word… thank you

  15. Tracy says:

    Hi Laura! Thank you; you are lucky to have realized it early on, and with the awareness you have I'm thinking your next relationship will be what you deserve. 🙂

  16. Tracy says:

    Hi Allison, you are welcome. I am so glad it is useful to you when you needed it! Be well! : )

  17. Holly says:

    I had this happening actively in my life this past summer, leading to some massive heartbreak. Recently, I'm reliving the "hopeful possibilities" with this same person. This article couldn't have been a better reminder of that person's wall, and what I LET it do and continue to let it do. Thank you. Such great reminders, especially "No one crushes our world unless we let them.".

  18. Tracy says:

    Hi Holly~ Thank you for commenting, I'm sorry you've had to go through this situation and are now faced with the "hopeful possibilities." It's really a place of freedom we feel when we realize we allow it, but it is still difficult when many of the pieces to the puzzle are there that we look for in someone and yet, there's that damn wall. : )

  19. […] Our relationship imploded in a fury of betrayal and lies when, while I was away at my father’s fun…. I was shattered, mad with grief, left with no trust in men or myself. The terror of being hurt and the fear of not being able to rely on my own judgement meant that relationships had no chance of surviving. I swung between looking for love and running away from it—an endless tug of war. […]

  20. dj says:

    Wow! Thanks for this! Recently an ex of mine from eight yrs ago agreed to visit me. I was never able to get over her,and considered her to be "the love of my life". Well, let's just say I blew it by asking her to marry me on the second day of her visit. From that point, it was down hill to say the least. She has always been emotionally unavailable to me, and hasn't changed in that respect whatsoever. I realize that this was an extreme thing to do, but also something I would have regretted not doing, as well. Anyway, I've been trying not to beat myself up too badly out of humiliation. Your article helps me to realize that it's not all my fault.

  21. shannon says:

    THANK YOU SOOO MUCH. This helped a lot. good work 🙂

  22. HoneyBea says:

    A perfect, perfect article for me right now! Thank you Tracey!! I've been in a 'situation' with a man with a wall for nine months now and although I feel like it's breaking my heart sometimes, I've learned that getting angry with him is simply my reaction and impatience to him not being the man I expect and want him to be, in the timescale that I've decided is 'acceptable and normal.' He's not a bad person, he's just learning how to cope with the damaged part of himself. I refuse to run from him and shut him out of my life simply because of a fear of heartbreak, but my life is not on hold for him either, I just know that if it's meant to be, it will be. If its not, then I am so grateful for the experience and the intimate time I got to spend with such a beautiful soul. <3

  23. Tommy says:

    well, it appears that I’m screwed…

  24. nonyabizz says:

    Well, it appears that I'm screwed….

  25. Lynn says:

    Incredibly and painfully accurate. Thank you so much for putting into a few powerful paragraphs, what I've been trying to articulate for months..

  26. cikucaku says:

    wow this was such a perfect timing! i’ve been going mad over these questions since yesterday.. life is crazy hehe. thanks!

  27. Deafgirl says:

    I did tried but it still doesn't work. Maybe I have lack or something wrong with me..

  28. Moonsoul says:

    it doesn't always look, sound, feel like this. It can be quite hidden, then a lie is told and the liar caught out. Sometimes our senses pick up on why a part of us remains closed off, maybe intuition is trying to let you know that something isn't quite right in the relationship so don't invest everything. There could be very deep trauma from childhood that permeates adult patterning… who knows… however there are 2 players in a relationship not just one. Before pointing the finger, have a look at your own patterning, behaviour, beliefs… if could be you pushing the person behind their wall. There are always 3 sides to a story… yours, theirs, and the truth.

  29. Martine says:

    Great article I really got a lot out of reading it. My last relationship ended because I caught out the lies. It propelled a whole series of reactions including how I had attracted an emotionally available person as I wasn’t myself. We were both wounded and didn’t know how to work through those to heal together. I wish him well, love him dearly. A new chapter begins healing and recovery is always around the corner if we choose. Enjoyed everyones comments and related with so many others. Thank You

  30. Jcwl says:

    Exactly. I wanted to help but there was no way I could. I don’t want to end it with this special soulmate of mine. I’m willing to wait but what should I do? We talked about it openly about this problem but deep down in my fragile heart I’m very upset on the fact that I couldn’t do anything to help her. What should I do?