“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
I fall back into this hole, time and time again. A hole so deep and dark that I wonder, Will this be the time that I die? Will this be the time that I won’t see the light and be stuck here, between nothing and everything, for all of eternity?
We all know that when we are surrounded by darkness, the likeliness of the light returning seems far, far away.
In this place, I forget who I am. Again. I forget that I am kind and loving and gentle. Again and again. I forget that I am compassionate and funny and smart; I forget that my heart beats in my chest loudly and with purpose and that I am a part of this enormous shift that is slowly taking over the world.
(You can feel that, can’t you? The vibration of a movement built on love, from the very heart of the earth? There are warriors of love all over the world—teaching and singing and writing and dancing and painting and marching and speaking out for the love of the earth—and for all of the beings that reside here. These warriors of love are sometimes loud and visible, while others are quiet and strong, working fearlessly (and fiercely) behind the scenes, to change how things are, into what they could—and should—be.)
And so, I need to stay inspired. I need to rest and I need to take the time to honor myself and relearn the many ways to love myself, before I can step out, shake off the dust and wrap my arms around the world.
First, these long arms have to reach all around this body—this beating heart, this blood, skin and bones; this breath, this spirit and mind; this person made by two people, connected to so many people.
So how do I find my way out of the dark? What is my lifeline, my go-to, my light?
Love is my way out of the dark. When the waters are so murky that I can’t find love for myself and the human being that I am, who fails as many time as she succeeds, I turn to love that is near me, that is closest.
It could be the signs of spring as the morning light warms the kitchen and brightens the tulips on the table; it could be the purring of two cats as I take turns brushing them, seated on the kitchen floor. It could be sharing an apple with the warm, dreamy eyes of my dog, as he sits beside me, hoping for a bite. It could be the door that my love attached to my space, so that finally, I can shut the world out or close my world in, depending on how you want to look at it.
It could be all of these things…nuggets of gold, that keep me grounded and ready to step onto the battle field.
Other days, I just need to be where I am.
“Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there’s one, there’s always the other. This is the root of our pain. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.
In a nontheistic state of mind, abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put “Abandon hope” on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.”
~ Pema Chodron
Maybe it is time to abandon hope. Abandon hope and stand up, rise up and let love rule.
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