If You Really Love Someone, Don’t Commit: 10 Reasons Why Commitment Sucks. ~ Siri Ajeet

Via elephant journal
on Mar 29, 2013
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Photo by Eric Peacock
Photo by Eric Peacock

Is commitment the result of both love and fear?

Most people seek commitment because they love a person so intensely that they can’t bear the thought of that person leaving them. They ask for a promise that they never will.

What the naive don’t know is that the psychological impact of commitment can be detrimental to a relationship. Do you trust yourself and your lover enough to let go of your need to control them? Are you willing to resist a cultural norm of fear? In a relationship without commitment, actions speak louder than language.

10 Reasons Commitment Sucks: 

1. “Commitment” is the same terminology used to describe someone sent to a mental institution.

2. Commitment is a false pretense.

If the thing that is holding people together is commitment, then they are committed to a word, and that is insane, so indeed they are committed!

3. Commitment leads to quiet resentment.

When a person has a calling to pursue their dreams that may be out of alignment with the relationship status quo, they let it go and passively resent the other person for stopping them.

4. Commitment allows you to act like an asshole.

They have to love me no matter what, so why try?

5. Commitment restricts your self-expression.

When Boyfriend thinks Girlfriend’s behavior affects how others see him, they’ve both just bought a one-way ticket to Boring.Fat Cat Picture - Moe

6. Commitment makes you fat.

Because your passion button is pushed less and less, you get your excitement from food.

7. Commitment makes you pretentious.

Because you think you’re in the Love Club, you pity all those who are single.

8. Commitment makes you have fewer friends of the opposite-sex, if any.

Because the basis of commitment is lack of trust.

9. Commitment makes you anti-social.

Because when the other person doesn’t want to go out, going out feels less fun.

10. Commitment gives you twice as many family relationships.


Siri AjeetSiri Ajeet is a yogi, traveler, culinary adventurer, tarot-spreader, philosopher, and an explorer of the universe, both inner and outer. Her mission is to inspire authenticity and love in these changing times. She teaches yoga in Minneapolis, Minnesota.


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Asst. Ed: ShaMecha Simms
Ed: Brianna Bemel


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41 Responses to “If You Really Love Someone, Don’t Commit: 10 Reasons Why Commitment Sucks. ~ Siri Ajeet”

  1. sgb says:

    Did you consider that the commitment could be to a healthy relationship? to authenticity? to mutually supporting each others growth? to open communication? to being honest? to friendship? etc.

  2. kate says:

    I don't see the downside to #10???

  3. siriajeet says:

    Yes, commitment can be – my point is that in the relationship you describe, commitment is not necessary.

  4. siriajeet says:

    🙂 Lucky you! Family relationships are notorious for being full of expectations, obligations, and the discontentment that flows from not meeting expectations. If the inherited family relationships are held as friendships by both sides, it's likely that there would be more respect in the relationship. But I agree, families full of healthy minds are very rewarding!

  5. jasper says:

    #3 Commitment leads to quiet resentment? Is it the commitment that leads to resentment or something else? If resentment is within a person, then something needs to change. That change could be within the person experiencing the resentment, or not. I see commitment as a neutral word. It is "bad" or "good" based on what is constructed around the commitment. Some commitments are not good for a person and others are.

  6. jasper says:

    Twice as many family relationships is a neutral statement. For some it is a good thing and for others not. The degree to which we engage in relationship is always a personal choice whether it be friend, family, or otherwise.

  7. jasper says:

    What is the difference between intention and commitment?

  8. Tilly says:

    # 6 is just plain offensive.

  9. Cassandra says:

    All these are ridiculous and offensive to those of us that chose to be committed because we love someone deeply. Relationships aren't always perfect, but if you choose never to commit you deprive yourself of experiencing the depth of a relationship that is possible through weathering adversity together. I don't quietly resent, I'm mature enough to talk about my feelings. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. I try to be kind. I go out and socialize. I'm not pretentious. And for god's sake, i'm not fat.

  10. shannon says:

    This is the first article that kind of upset me on this site. Everyone entitled to their own opinion, but as we get more and more into a disposable mongering society, it's sad to see an article that doesn't celebrate, as the commenter above me suggested, depth in relationships and all of the amazing things that come from "sticking it out". That doesn't happen with a certain amount of commitment. And yes, you argue it "doesn't need to be said", but we are such vastly different beings, all of us, that without the clarity and the intent it would be hard to be on the same page. At least you brought out emotion in me, I suppose. I cheers those that commit and do it thoughtfully and lovingly.

  11. Shannon says:

    Forgot my "is" and "doesn't happen without a certain amount of commitment"…..y'all know what I mean 🙂 Weekend brain 😉

  12. Renee says:

    Wow, this is the first totally lame article I have ever seen on Elephant Journal…

  13. jasper says:

    Could you elaborate? Do you agree with what others have said?

  14. Renee says:

    Yes, I agree with much of what others have said, but my point in a nutshell is that this article feels restrictive not expansive. Its riddled with sweeping generalizations about human nature that all seem fear-based and recommending avoidance as the vehicle to expansion…if it was meant to be sarcastic and opposite-of-what-is-true, the author missed the boat and came across (at least this reader) as giving a rant that feels genuine, not joking. That isnt what usually shows up on this site so it was a jarringly different experience.

  15. rebecca says:

    i agree with sgb that commitment would still be necessary. it would be a commitment to authenticity, to show up every day, moment to moment, not for the sake of some promise made to another person, but for the sake of living truthfully for your own benefit and keeping your relationship alive with open and honest communication about feelings, needs and desires. after all, most people only stay together as long as they want to stay together (hello, 50% divorce rate), so obviously vows and promises don't really mean a whole lot. living authentically requires a lot more effort than just making a promise, and is the way to take a relationship to deeper levels. i think the commitment to that life is much more meaningful and powerful and if you are in a relationship that has that kind of committed partners in it, you are very lucky indeed.

  16. Judithw says:

    This provocative article asks us to examine our easy assumptions and suggests ways to freedom. Thank you. One of the most memorable Elephant writings.

  17. Tracy says:

    I couldn’t agree more. And this is why I prefer to remain single.

  18. Kiersten says:

    I almost wonder if this article was written to be facetious, because it is so ridiculously overgeneralized. Hmmmm…..

    I agree with you Cassandra. I, also, choose to be committed because I love someone deeply. Committed to loving through imperfection.

  19. naz says:

    I agree with you… it seems to me like the author as either dumped hard or she is highly insecure about her feelings. You commit to someone because you love them deeply and it's your way of showing how strongly you fee for that person…I am sure that people might disagree… but this is just what I feel… you are either committed or not… there I no "suffering" in commitment….

  20. Annabella Bray says:

    "Commitment' is a word and can be interpreted in many ways. When 2 people are on the same path and have the same intentions then it could certainly be a positive action to make a commitment but there are also cases where people's expectations are different and commitment is used to hold onto another person or is code for 'don't you dare engage with other people or in other activities'…….honest communication and understanding of the other is the key i believe. There are many ways to be in relationship and in an ever changing world we are more and more needing to find our inner certainties without necessarily cleaving to conventionalities. Thanks for the article Siri!

  21. Elena G. says:

    Wow whoever wrote that seems to have a really sad view of "commitment." Also, there are a lot of judgments being made here. Why does the author assume that people only commit because of this reasoning (fear, control, etc)?? I hope that one day they can realize that people have all kinds of reasons for committing into relationships. Fear and control can sometimes cause people to "commit" to each other. But, remember, so can love, passion, openness, and kindness.

  22. Anup says:

    While I’m OK with the article, seeing it more like a way to examine our easy assumptions like Judithw says, I just wanted to point out that #4 Commitment allows you to act like an asshole, is also very true for people who refuse to commit…

  23. little d says:

    I didnt require commitment from my 9 year seemingly healthy relationship. Until I got cancer. Then all of a sudden that lack of commitment in my relationship was front and center as I watched the man, that I adored and had committed myself to without the formal commitment, walk out the door. Commitment is important. This article is crap. There is nothing that replaces commitment. Its the reason the word was designed.

  24. Lisa says:

    I'm not sure what you think would have happened if you had been in a formally committed relationship. He still would have been the same person with the same issues. I suspect you'd either be in the same boat you're in today or you'd still be together but he'd feel resentful and you'd both be miserable. In any case, I hope your health has improved and you can work on you and getting on with your life.

  25. juju212 says:

    i think it is sad the writer doesn't have one healthy relationship to reference. everything is so negative that i find it impossible to believe "yogi" is the first of Siri's titles.. this is so NOT yogi like. maybe she practices yoga as an exercise but not as spiritual meditation (i suggest she read the
    Yoga Sutras).. i find it incredulous that a "yogi" would say being in a relationship makes you fat! that is so superficial it is verging on 6th grade mentality and furthermore..AS IF there aren't gazillions of fat single people in America???? you don't have to be mental , pretentious or fat to be married Siri. finally, i will say that making a promise and declaration of love in front of family, friends, the community in a holy place of worship is a beautiful ritual filled with meaning and significance. when it is with the right person it is beautiful and effortless and makes every day better.

  26. Freebird says:

    I normally don't comment, however, the amount of negative comments here is disheartening. Commitment changes everything. It makes desire obligation. It makes want to have to. It may take a while for this to happen, but I promise you all it does. Relationships are not finite. They are fluid and once you try to contain and restrain you essentially ruin the broth, so to speak. If you find yourself in a committed relationship that works for you–kudos! No need to judgementally bash those of us who don't fit into your mold. And didn't your mother's teach you to say nothing of Youbhave nothing nice to say???

  27. hooplove says:

    I'm not sure why everyone is attacking the writer here. Perhaps she has a different view of love. Love is a chemical reaction in your brain. If you have chosen to fall in love, and then choose your life choices around another person. So be it. I enjoyed what she had to say here. Cheers to independence, and taken the off beaten path. Getting pretentious or upset is only proving her point. Enjoy the love club, let her enjoy her freedom. Yeah?

  28. Deanna says:

    "Commitment makes you fat." WOW. Seriously? So disappointed in EJ for publishing this craptastic piece.

  29. Renee says:

    Negative idea of commitment … Too one sided, shallow, and presumptuous … I dont want marriage but I do want a mutual commitment to each other – passion and dedication hand in hand.

  30. Kells says:

    This author is obviously a comedian! Thanks for the laughs!

  31. Christina says:

    Good one i totally agree! No commitment for me thank you!

  32. Genevieve says:

    This sounds like it was written by a narcissist. (But then again, many “mindful” come off that way.) There are hints of truth in the words, but overall I think the concept of commitment provides stability, focus and accountability to people’s lives. Commitment out of fear is not good; but commitment to hold true to your best intentions, no matter what situation arises, says a lot of someone’s character.

  33. karen says:

    I see where the author is coming from in this article, but I don’t agree with the premise. Yes, if you love someone, you don’t need the piece of paper or the rings to keep you together, but making that commitment to someone you love can be a good thing that adds depth to a relationship.

    This is the first disappointing article I’ve read here; most are insightful and inspirational.

  34. artemis133 says:

    I see where the author is coming from, but I don't agree with the premise of the article. No, you don't need the piece of paper or rings to keep a loving couple together, but making that commitment can be positive and make the relationship deeper.

    This is the first article here that I've been disappointed by.

  35. megg says:

    well said

  36. Nik says:

    Can’t believe this was actually published- it is full of subjective opinion dressed as facts. We do need to understand all perspectives, so would love to see an article addressing the reasons why commitment does benefit a couple.

  37. Haley says:

    Is this for real? I'm so shocked to read it on EJ.

  38. kelley says:

    I love this. I did chuckle a bit here and there, but overall agree. It’s reminiscent of OSHO and his teaching on love and relationships. You can love fiercely and deeply by allowing it to simply be love without restricting each other with labels and predetermined ideology.

  39. Shannon says:

    I love this. #1

  40. K. says:

    First thought: "Wow, someone surely did a number on this author."

    No, not every relationship is meant for commitment. If the fruit of your commitment are numbers 1-10, then that is probably the case. However, there's something extremely beautiful about finding another soul who you want to be with and fill their empty places with love; a partnership.

    Open your heart and let love in ❤️

  41. Chelsea says:

    Yeah… this one doesn't feel true for me at all. Commitment doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with codependency – perhaps if "commitment" was replaced with "codependency" throughout this article I'd agree.