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March 16, 2013

When Life Makes a Mess. ~ Edith Lazenby

Source: Uploaded by user via Heidi on Pinterest

I am writing “messy” because I feel messy inside and out.

My house is messy. My finances are messy. My spirit is messy.  My intentions are messy. My whole life is a mess.

I have not worked out in almost a week: no yoga, no aerobics. Tell me, where is fresh air?

I have not had a vegetable in days.

My head feels like someone took barbed wire and wrapped it tightly.

I am perpetually tired. I am not just sleepy or exhausted. I am worn down.

My day-to-day has become Chinese torture: you know the drop that falls on your forehead not just for minutes or hours but for days.

The drop is my life. The drop is earning a living and having no way to pay for that living. The drop is coming home and not seeing comfort but walking into a mirror of chaos. The drop is the inner rant that won’t stop raging in my head or stomping my heart. The drop is doing what I have to do day in and day out and keeping my care wrapped like a butterfly in my hands so when I am able to I can let her fly so I can feel.

This is a one-dimensional temper tantrum. It’s flat like the computer screen and no can see me kicking and screaming.

But I am kicking life as hard as I can so I can keep the energy going in my legs to walk and the flow moving though my veins so I can write.

I am screaming at a decibel only my cats hear as they purr and knead and offer comfort to me.

I am done crying. I won’t give up. There’s no beginning or end. I am blessing the middle with my angst and tenacity so tomorrow will come after today and I will do what I must, go where I need, give what I can, live the only way I can: handling love with the tendrils of my heart and protecting care under my feet so each step has meaning to give me direction to continue the life I lead.

I don’t want to end a thing. I want new beginnings. I want sunrise to blossom with pinks and oranges and lavenders. I want the moon’s eyelash to settle out my window so I can settle my eyes on the night sky. I want to wake with prayer in my heart and hope in my eyes. I want to invite sleep with the ease of a newborn and let it coo me into dreams of mountain tops, wild horses and herb gardens.

I want to keep wanting. I hope to keep hoping. I love to keep loving.

 

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Ed: Brianna Bemel

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Carolyn Mar 17, 2013 9:44pm

Love this…not the part where anyone has to go through it but the part of being honest and sharing.

Lauren Rubenstein Mar 17, 2013 5:03pm

Keep the faith, girlfriend. Change is a-comin'!

Mar 17, 2013 2:34am

This is just like my life too. Hugs.

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Edie Lazenby

Edith Lazenby’s first love is poetry. Her second is yoga. Life unrolls in ways she could have never have imagined. She loves to love and live life daringly. Leap and the net will appear is how the saying goes but they don’t tell you what to do after it disappears.

Edith lives in Baltimore with her cat, Cucumber. She works all the time, it seems, these days. Life is good. Blessings are many.