What To Do When A Relationship Makes You Cry.

Via Ellen Smoak
on Apr 8, 2013
get elephant's newsletter

Have you ever cried your eyes out over your ex? What about cried your eyes out while you were still in the relationship?

Yesterday, a reader wrote to me about her realization that her ex made her cry more than he made her smile.

Then, she told me that he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t take him back. Why, if she’s still in love with him (which she is), why they can’t just get back together and “work things out.”

Let’s go through this scenario, shall we?

You’re in a relationship with someone that you love. (Adore. Crave. Dream about. Share bodily fluids with. Want to spend the rest of your life with.)

Yet, all you do is cry your eyes out because he doesn’t give you what you want. (Time. Attention. Security. Honesty. Commitment.)

You tell him what you want and what you’re willing to give him in return, yet all your needs are unmet and your satisfaction with the relationship decreases with each passing day.

Finally, a bolt of lightening hits you across your frowning face, waking you up to this very harsh reality.

You leave. Leaving behind the lack of attention and security and honesty and commitment that makes you miserable each and every day. You decide that being true to yourself and your needs trumps your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t give you what you deserve. (Nor deserves what you have to give.)

Yet, still, you cry. (Often times uncontrollably.) You cry for the love that is lost, the dreams that were once shared, and the life you thought was most certainly laid out before you along a yellow brick road.

To top it all off, you’re still in love with your ex, and long to be back in his arms.

So, what to do? Do you go back? Do you compromise your wants and needs in order to be with this man you can’t seem to fall out of love with?

Before you decide to go back, ask yourself these questions:

If you’re willing to forgo your needs (Time. Attention. Security. Honesty. Commitment.) then what does that say about your own self-worth?

If you go back into a relationship that doesn’t give you what you want, does that mean you don’t believe you’re worthy of anything more?

Spend time instead deciding what you’re worth and what you truly deserve. (Time. Attention. Security. Honesty. Commitment.)

And, just because you may not have had these things in the past, doesn’t mean you never will. You just have to decide to have them moving forward—and that you’re unwilling to compromise your self-worth ever again.

Your relationship is a reflection of your self-worth. It’s also a reflection of what you believe you deserve.

If your ex (or the next hottie who wants a piece of your heart) is not willing or capable of giving these things to you, walk away. For good.

Make this commitment to yourself and your future relationships will raise you up instead of bring you down.

Which, my badass friend, is where you belong.

See you at the top.

P.S. Do you know your own self worth? Click here to learn how to increase it and love yourself so much it hurts.



Bonus! If you’re struggling with self-worth, this can help:

Like elephant love on Facebook.


Ed: Bryonie Wise




About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


17 Responses to “What To Do When A Relationship Makes You Cry.”

  1. J. Makela says:

    Please find a decent copy editor. Honestly, honesty?

  2. GFromMaui says:

    From the guy's perspective:
    Of course I was committed to you. Though I wasn't willing to jump through your hoops to prove it. It wasn't fair to expect me to cater to your insecurities beyond what I could freely offer. That doesn't make me an asshole. That doesn't mean I was using you. I could see I wasn't meeting your needs, but "ending it" wasn't my judgment call to make. It's your learning opportunity. I can only stand up for myself and set my own boundaries, and I expect you to do the same and am glad that you finally did (actually, you sort of forced me to end it, since I set a boundary that I would not be yelled at). In the future, please be strong, and work on being able to fill your own needs. If you have a need that your partner can't fill, don't blame the partner or yourself, and move on. It is the kindest thing you could do for yourself or your partner.

  3. MatBoy says:

    Another guy's take on your article.

    Just sounds like the person you describe has not found her balance in life or in relationships yet. Remember 'give-and-take'? How about dealing with your disappointments and insecurities by working through them? How about locating the source of your affliction deep inside yourself and not 'out-there' or caused externally? The outside world will constantly test our assumptions about how things and people are 'supposed' to be. Once your assumptions align more consistently with how things actually 'are' the internal frustration subsides and we can expect what we actually get. Assume people are different than they are and you will be disappointed. Find peace and a good internal balance and you can deal with most anything that comes up around you. The only way to get there is not to run away but to stay with the feelings as they arise. These experiences and feelings are really all you have, they are your life!

  4. elisa says:

    I was okay with it until the "nor deserves what you have to give" comment. Why bring a judgment in? If two people are unable to fulfill each others needs maybe it just means once they've learned what they need to here, it's time to move on. Why can't we all assume that everyone is doing the best they can? That not having your needs met doesn't necessarily mean the other person is a slug.

  5. Maya says:

    Good article. I don't think the men's experiences here are relevant, they only seem to come from THEIR experiences of women they've dated. This is an article for women. I've known countless that feel this way, or have been in relationships like this. Thank you.

  6. Micky says:

    I am glad to read your article. Its really useful for me.
    Thanks for the sharing.

  7. PatheticGirl says:

    I've been in a relationship like this for 5 1/2 years. The good is indescribable. The bad is awful and often. He broke it off, again, for the 25th+ time today because he doesn't want to commit. He's cheated on me and lies constantly which I've called him out on- yet he tells me I'm his soulmate and loves me more than anyone he ever has loved. So being dumped again today, I'm sad and weepy. I'm in my early 40's and he's in his mid 50's. I've let him kill my self esteem. Why don't I hate him? I guess it's my fault, not his- because I let him do it to me over and over again. I do hope one day I'll get past him. I think I had self worth before I became involved with him but I can't remember 🙁

  8. Ellen Smoak says:

    Thank you honey! I'm JUST seeing this 🙂 I need to figure out how to get notified when I have comments. I would have written sooner! Hug to you xo

  9. Ellen SMoak says:

    Thank you Micky! Sorry I didn't know I had any comments 🙂 I appreciate you!xo

  10. Ellen Smoak says:

    Hi honey! Thank you for your comment. I just saw it! I need to figure out how to notified when comments come in 🙂 I hope you are feeling better and have found some clarity. Big hug!

  11. Click Here says:

    Your knowledge is rather helpful.

  12. gone for good says:

    "Finally, a bolt of lightening hits you across your frowning face, waking you up to this very harsh reality."

    love it. i remember what this felt like. i never felt the urge to go back, though, after i finally broke it off. sometimes you're so committed to trying to make things work that you just become blind to the daily dynamics of what's actually going on.

  13. aseriesofdreams says:

    Nice photo of a person crying. For some reason, I don't cry since I grew up. I think the last tears were from loosing family members and that was about 14 years ago. I suppose I cried so much there was nothing left.

  14. Red says:

    Thank you for this article.. I have been in same situation and whenever I reminded of my ex, he still makes me cry.
    Although I have forgave him and we are still communicating as friends I get to feel sad and teary reminding me
    of the past. It is never easy to giveup for someone whom you have loved so much for many years but all must move on.

    Most men do not understand that there are still sincere women who would love to share their life, their dreams, their wants and desires. And that he is the one who can make her life complete 🙂

  15. sosoz says:

    it was the same for me with my ex girlfriend. it started off as something magical but she started to take me for granted, and the whole relationship turned into something horrible. these were the darkest and loneliest years of my life. especially because she turned more and more demanding, while i was expected to… well, to not expect anything in return. i mean, a relationship should be about giving AND getting, right? i was emotionally exploited, and i still blame myself for letting her take advantage of me like that.

    luckily my current partner is not like she was. he is really affectionate, and it feels like our needs are really similar and he knows that it’s a two-way street. now i’m smarter and i know what to look for in a partner.

    i hope everyone finds the right one for them.

  16. mgs says:

    So long as someone has the ability to set reasonable expectations or "needs", and sadly you've not mentioned that. Selfishness, unrealistic expecations,and an unwillingness to compromise are rampant these days. No, not all "needs" are truly needs. especially in today's allaboutme world

  17. lovethis says:

    A womens reply:
    This is really beautiful. And it’s true, everyone is alone in their experience to some extent, and to believe that there is someone who can look through your eyes the same way you do is unrealistic. Not every need will always be fulfilled, that’s where self love comes in :). Everyone struggles with it, but it is this struggle that makes it so worth it… and the only way to understand this struggle is to encounter the differences– and work through them. I say enjoy the spice– that’s what awakens the things inside you that bring you to new places. That is the true story mankind. (Haha, I’m such a hippie… but your words did move me)