6 Ways to Get the Love We Deserve.

Via Tracy Crossley
on May 17, 2013
get elephant's newsletter

Ain’t nuthin’ gonna change unless we realize we’re feeding our perception of reality and change our actions that support what we don’t want our lives to look like.


If I want someone to always look like an asshole, then I’m going to treat them like an asshole. I’ll make sure I do and say things which provoke and/or support my interest in keeping them as king or queen asshole. 


It serves a purpose; I can complain—it keeps me stuck trying to fix them or it allows me to not look within to deal with my own crud.

(Just a thought.)

Perhaps we don’t look at our own actions or words to even have a glimpse as to how we’re received.

I have a client who has poor communication with her guy—they communicate by text.

She’s unhappy with their situation.

When he’s around her, he’s quite aware that she’s not happy, (unless he failed body language 101). She states things from time-to-time, but much of their communication is through text messaging.

They’ll have a brief emotional exchange and then a door slams, she leaves and when she’s slightly calmer, but pissed off, she’ll send a message to him.

It creates more havoc and hurt feelings.

Why does she continue to do this?

Because, she’s afraid of the change that real communication might bring: What if he walks away? What if he comes closer? 

We all fall into patterns of communication with others and don’t do a check on ourselves to see how we feel about ourselves.

We might harbor feelings of resentment, distrust or indifference toward someone. Usually, we’re so tied up in what they say or do, we don’t sit back to examine how we feel or why. We want a different response from them…and yet, if we continue to engage in the same way, how is it possible?

Do we really want change?

It’s possible the other person wakes up one day recognizing what doesn’t serve them or the relationship…it can happen!

If we’re locked into treating them the same way and perceiving their actions/words as always aggravating, not enough, too much, distancing or anything else under the sun, and we internalize it, continuing to make ourselves feel bad….then we’re recreating our own pain.

Relationships like the one I described above feed those feelings in ourselves. If someone is distancing, we’re distancing. If someone feels they are not enough, we’re not enough and so on.

We do things to support those feelings in ourselves without being aware.

When we are so outwardly focused and insistent on taking someone else personally, we get what we believe we deserve. And what do we deserve?

Whatever we believe.

We’ll prove it by acting and speaking in always the same manner. Most people believe they’re the good one in the relationship. It’s their partner, friend, co-worker, boss, parent, child or stranger who’s an idiot, wrong, a jerk and they’re the victim.

When we continue to act in ways which support our belief about ourselves and our reality, no change comes. We must stop waiting for the other person to change or come to their senses.

So what can we do to get a clue?

1. Ask ourselves what we believe we deserve.

Not our intellect, but our emotions.

We feel a certain way about ourselves and life. If we’re brought up feeling as though we don’t matter; we’ll continue to keep that tradition alive, creating situations, which show our lack of value.

We usually have several of these false beliefs driving us. Start with the most glaringly obvious.

2. Develop more awareness.

When speaking to someone, instead of focusing on them, focus on ourselves. Check out our body language, how do we feel right now (not how they’re making us feel) and what’s being provoked. Become the objective presence.

3. Become more authentic

Take the objective presence and get real about how you actually and honestly feel. Don’t hold back. We become afraid of the change, so we stay silent. We’re gonna lose something if we state the truth. It may be that we lose our perception or in some cases, we lose the relationship. 

4. Embrace Change

If we’re holding on so tightly to this perception of the world and ourselves, we’re afraid of change. Realize, if we really want to fulfill our dreams, we have to allow change or we stay the same.

5. Separate

Understand, we don’t have to take the other person, personally. We don’t have to allow their feelings, perception, words and actions to have meaning about who we are….nope. Separate how we feel from how someone else does, don’t own their stuff.

6. Act and communicate toward change

This can be fun, once we’re more aware of our beliefs.

We can do things we’ve never done in the context of relationships.

We can do the opposite or stop in the middle of talking and take a different road. We can allow ourselves to communicate and act toward changing our perception, because when we do, the results will show. We may lose some people, but new ones will more closely match our present level of awareness.

Have fun!



Like elephant love on Facebook.

Ed: Bryonie Wise

Source: alittleumbrella.com via Stephanie on Pinterest


About Tracy Crossley

Tracy Crossley is a hyphenate: female, writer, curiosity quencher, artist, poet, gardener of real gardens and existential ones, clairvoyant, and momma to grown ups. She owns Intuitive Reinvention Inc. She is currently speaking, writing and mentoring people on getting out of their heads and dysfunctional relationships and into living an authentic, anxiety-free, happy and loving existence. If you want to learn more about her and how she can help you, check out a complimentary discovery session with her click to learn and schedule., Or find her on social media, facebook page, blog and on twitter, she always follows back. She also has a free weekly podcast show on many topics she writes about here click here to listen.


2 Responses to “6 Ways to Get the Love We Deserve.”

  1. Meaghan Graham says:

    Thankyou Tracey…somehow your words are always relevant to me at any given point.

    My question though…when one is in the middle of their life, submerged in the day to day, how does one know to step back and assess their perceptions? I find I can do it after the situation has passed, or the relationship has finished, but I don’t manage to do it while in the middle of it.


  2. Tracy says:

    Hi Meaghan,

    I am happy to hear that what I write speaks to you. The phenomenon you talk about is the same as riding a bike or picking up a fork to eat, we are in autopilot. We don't think about how we know, we just know and we're able to do those activities. It's the same in how we find ourselves looking back at a situation, we were in autopilot. The key would be a few things. First, become aware of your body, notice when you are with someone how you feel. The moment you become tense, something is giving you a clue. When you feel tense, stop and ask yourself exactly what you're feeling if you can. At times, it is difficult to have that awareness on ourselves, but when we slow down our reactions/actions we give ourselves time to become more present to what is actually going on and when we find the familiar feeling creeping up over us, there's a choice. As hard as it is, and it can feel as though you're flinging yourself into an active volcano…bring that attention inward….we always have clues, it is to understand that instead of a bicycle–let's learn how to ride a unicycle–exercise a different muscle, we now need to be on autopilot to look within. I hope that helps bit. you can also look at my free online seminar next week to gain more perspective on relationships and what to do. : ) Thanks Meaghan!