This is Why You Didn’t Get a Second Date.

Via Ellen Smoak
on May 22, 2013
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We’ve all been there…

Butterflies and all that jazz that start to happen when we meet someone special.

We go out, we make out, and maybe we do something else too…and then we wait. Ugh.

The damn waiting we do for these darn men!

We wait and we wait and we wait (hopefully) and by that I mean hopefully you aren’t pursuing him with phone calls and emails and other “chasing” type behavior.

If you are, stop immediately.

You are going against the grain of male/female attraction…read this blog for more information on that subject.


We wait and we wait and we wait. And then nothing. Nada, zip, zilch—absolutely nothing comes our way except a big pile of disappointment when we aren’t swept off our feet like we thought for sure we would be.

So, what gives?

Well I have some answers for you.

I was talking to my good friend and she was telling me about these seminars that she goes to which are full of men.

And in one of the seminars she was in recently, the men were surveyed (several hundred of them) on what keeps them from asking a women out on another date—even when things have been going quite well.

It turns out that most every man in the room was in total agreement that there are a few reasons why women don’t get asked out on another date. One important one.

Have you made this number one mistake before? (I know I have!)

The number one reason women don’t get asked out on a second date is: because we’re too bossy and we override suggestions.

Now, my friend didn’t go into the reasons why these men said that being too bossy and overriding suggestions turns them off to the point of not wanting another date…

…but I’ve been thinkingI have some advice from not just my own dating life, but from my years of relationship study and working with private clients that has given me amazing insight on understanding men.

Here’s why this response doesn’t come as a bit of a surprise to me: men don’t like being told what to do. (Neither do we, but for different reasons.)

Men don’t like being told what to do because it offends their “manhood”—that masculine quality about them that makes them want to be your hero, your “Mr. Fix-it” and your masterful provider.

Imagine this scenario:

A man asks you out and already has the night lined up. He’s picking you up at eight, and he’s taking you to this great little Italian restaurant that he’s been to before and just knows you’re going to love.

But when he calls to confirm, you tell him that you don’t want him to pick you up, you’d rather meet him at the restaurant and you really aren’t in the mood for Italian…you’d rather have Thai.

Without knowing it, you’ve essentially offended his ability to provide for you, take care of your needs, and do something special for you.

You’ve offended his masculine energy, the very energy that wants to succeed, wants to win you over, and wants to impress you, too.

Your date has taken special care to think of and plan something special for you and instead of welcoming his gifts of thoughtful planning and consideration, you shoot down his thoughtful idea, taking with it his pride and manly ability to provide for you.

We women do this all time and don’t even realize it!

We “tell” our men what to do—even when we think what we’re saying is just a “suggestion.”

We must remember that men wear different ears than women—they actually have different brains in their head, different ways of seeing and feeling and acting and thinking.

The list goes on and on and on.

So, when a man makes a plan, appreciate what he’s offering. He’s operating from the very core of his being, from a place that is wildly passionate about providing, finding solutions and taking care of the most important people in his life.

And don’t you want to ultimately be one of the most important people in his life?

Of course you do.



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Ed: Bryonie Wise

Source: via lila on Pinterest



About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


64 Responses to “This is Why You Didn’t Get a Second Date.”

  1. Donna says:

    Is this article for real? First, I am the most important person in my life! While I respect a man trying to plan a special evening, if I am not up for his choices I see nothing wrong with going in for a duo decision. Please, lets remove ego from the dating/love scene and get over ourselves. We still like you guys even if we would like to change the plans 🙂

  2. Michelle says:

    Only one reason? Women are too bossy on first dates? Surely this bossiness doesn’t only surface within the context of a first date? The more interesting article is why men ask women out on a first date at all. I bet it’s because, despite all the personality quirks he must have noticed in the run-up to asking her out, she still appealed from the point of view of her looks. If she subsequently reveals herself to be a troll, who is really to blame?

  3. LP says:

    Ellen, I am sorry for whom had raised you believing that you should not want or are not equal partners with your man, but this is a really lame attempt at some sort of ‘old school ego boosting for men’. I agree, there are a lot of insecure ones you should be taking care of and nurturing, which many women will be lucky to have found. I am not one of these women however, looking for one of those men – I’d rather keep growing and nurturing myself for those (real) men who are looking for real women. I might not find him in the end, risk I am willing to assume, but at least I would have tried rather than settled. Meanwhile, I wish you all good luck in finding exactly what you are looking for!

  4. David says:

    This is what sours marriages as well.

  5. Michael says:

    As a man, I would never be offended by a woman letting me know what they prefer. I wouldn’t find it insulting at all, and in fact, I would appreciate knowing so that we can both enjoy the evening.

    But then, I am having a rough time on the dating scene so my thoughts may not be the most accurate. I was married for 14 years, and it seems that everything has changed now that I am single. I am hating all these rules around dating who should chase who etc. I end up having to read articles to figure out what is going on. I really don’t remember it being this complicated.

  6. Yogagurl says:

    Paula….you should do what makes you happy and works for you but the vast majority of feminine energy women who want a masculine energy male…it doesn't work to chase at all. It doesn't meaning most of the time a loving relationship doesn't happen and also because the woman has been doing all the work, she truly doesn't know if he is really into her. Many times men respond to women who do this but do so out of fun or politeness not because they are really into them. Did you get long term satisfying relationships when you chased them? I ask sincerely. Kudos if you did! Most women do not.

  7. Yogagurl says:

    It's not about "secure" or "insecure" really. It's about "easy and appreciative" and "going with the flow" vs not being so easy to please.

  8. Asha Thornton says:

    Thanks for setting us back 50 years. BE YOU!! If he doesn’t like that he isn’t the right one and forget him! Most men like a woman that will stand her ground and isn’t afraid to voice what she needs or wants. Send this article back to the Stone Age where it belongs. Come on Elephant Journal, this isn’t about offering an alternative view; it is poorly written and not progressive at all. The article should encourage people to be themselves and to be AUTHENTIC. Instead it encourages women to shut up and do what a man wants. Very disappointed in this selection.

  9. deepgreenmoss says:

    Gag. Just gag me now, so I don't gag on the first date. Lol. Authentic relationships involve authentic people. Only people lie, and lying is about controlling outcomes, not guiding principled discussion. Courtesy and assertiveness are not mutually exclusive.

  10. Brenda says:

    You mean like the bitterness shown in all the comments here? Lol

  11. Marie says:

    YOU missed the point! First date!!!
    There is nothing bossy about having an opinion!
    “We women do this all time and don’t even realize it…
    You’ve essentially offended his ability to provide for you…
    Take care of your needs…
    Do something special for you…
    And don’t you want to ultimately be one of the most important people in his life, Of course you do… REALY!!!
    That articular is bad advice at best and if my daughter believed any of it I'd say we need to have a long talk!!!

  12. Wendy Cohan says:

    Totally agree. My man would also totally agree that this is demeaning to men and sexist to women. Yikes, we don't live in the stone age anymore. What's wrong with a mutually agreed upon plan, or a woman who knows her own mind. How we treat each other, preferably with EQUAL respect and consideration, is the most important thing.

  13. Lakia says:

    Dissapointed that EJ published this archaic way of thinking. Conversation has been great to read though. I wouldn't want a second date with such a fragile man. This man described would not be my equal or in anyway become a true partner. I AM the most important person in my life, aside from my child.

  14. Nicole says:

    I think this article brings up something interesting that I have had a hard time working around myself this past year, feminine and masculine energies and how those dynamics have shifted as a result of women gaining more respect and power in society. Rather than shooting this article down, look at it with curiosity. I was raised to be fiercely independent by a mother who was the main breadwinner and have made a career and a life through my opinions and lets be honest, a tinge of bossiness when I get into my passionate, productive mode. My last relationship was with an amazing guy who recognized how beautiful all of that was about me, and he did not not have an ego at all, but I look back now and I see how I beat down his masculinity over and over again without even knowing I was doing it. I was protecting my right to be right over letting go and being taken care of; there should be a balance here and there wasn’t. I don’t think Ellen is telling women to stop having opinions to preserve weak men. She ‘s saying we’re all human and those inherent gender energies are something to pay attention to. Its a generalization because she can’t write about every single individual couple! Each couple will work out what it means for them, but it is something to put value in, respecting those energies. Respect, not submission, to those X and Y chromosomes, not to societal standards that have kept women down for so many years.