We crave to belong, to be listened to, connected and acknowledged; especially in our closest relationships.
Sometimes we go about being heard in ways that forge a chasm rather than bridging a gap.
We may go through our life feeling misunderstood, not valued or disconnected from significant others.
It may appear the world is against us or not interested in who we are, what we create and what we say.
It’s not true.
We create our world and with our relationships, we set em’ up, how we want to be reflected (just like a mirror).
If we don’t trust our emotions, we find partners who will always question us or tell us what we’re thinking or feeling is untrue.
Truly trusting our own instinct of how we feel and stating it out loud has nothing to do with right or wrong. We’re allowed to feel how we feel without blame and without malice.
Many of us weren’t brought up to trust our feelings; we were told we’re wrong or our emotions were wrong and we shouldn’t feel that way. This happens in many homes when the parent says, “I’m right, you’re wrong. Children should be seen not heard.”
Unfortunately, as adults we still communicate as though we’re wrong to begin with, especially if our partner isn’t in agreement with how we feel.
Second-guessing takes up a lot of space in our minds.
Our partner may ignore, argue or just make it extremely uncomfortable to speak from a place of truth; even harder is not understanding our truth.
Manipulation creeps into our thoughts if we’re not careful.
We feel wronged or we really want to have our partner accept what we say. So, we kind of tell the truth about how we feel, and yet, in trying to have the outcome be our way, we end up on the defense rather than just sharing our truth.
How do we get someone to listen, who hasn’t been listening? Better yet, how do we understand why we communicate how we do and how can we be heard?
Henpecking is for the chicken coop; complaining and forcing an idea, belief or action on another is clearly never going to get us what we want. Remember as a kid, when we heard what we did wrong over and over, we stopped listening.
Imagine the same thing with our partners, beating someone over the head with what we want is an exercise in futility, because even if we get our way, it’s unfulfilling and against their will.
Asking ourselves why we feel we must forcibly be heard takes awareness. When we speak, we need to listen to what we actually say. Paying attention specifically, to the feeling behind our words, what does it tell us? Pinpoint it and we now know why we feel so darn needy in our communication.
If the feeling behind it is, “I feel invisible, I feel unworthy or not valued,” the purpose in our speech is to prove that belief true. Subconsciously, we must get the reaction from our partner to solidify this belief.
Now’s the opportunity to share that truth with our partner, rather than the window dressing. This is a beginning.
Look Back When…
We communicate in extreme ways. The silent treatment, shouting and giving signs without real communication have nothing to do with the present moment.
We’re back to the belief we have about ourselves. If we expect our partner to have ESP through the signs we give, we’ll never connect. If we use silence, so they ask, “What’s wrong,” over and over, we’re looking for attention we didn’t get in the past.
If we scream at the top of our lungs, again it’s attention we seek that we never received in the past.
Perhaps, it’s the role models we had and how they communicated?
Separate the past from the present, any time we feel extreme it’s a loaded emotional dice. We should spend some time alone getting clear on what the real issue is, before we communicate….otherwise we’re just placing another person in the role we created for them.
Breaking free of the cycle means, understanding where it started and that in the present moment, awareness can create a new paradigm for honest communication.
Share the past truth with our partner and create a new truth.
Staying When We Should Go
Sometimes our partner has no desire to hear us; they are stuck in their own old movie and we’re just playing a part. Even if we get clear with our emotional blocks to effective communication, we may have someone who has no desire to engage in getting along.
This situation is a power play and abusive. The communication is built on their need to dominate, be superior and act out an unresolved emotional hurt.
Understanding why we’re there is important, we may be willing to accept someone who’s communication makes us feel bad, because we like to feel bad about ourselves; it’s what we know.
Staying will not make us feel better and will further stomp on our self-esteem, making us feel completely lost and unable to move on from this quagmire that we keep trying to fix.
Seek help. Some type of counseling is necessary to help stop the cycle.
We don’t deserve verbal abuse and until we get clear on why we feel we need this treatment, we’re stuck under it’s power.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise