Find Your Life Partner in 4 (not so) Easy Steps.

Via Michelle Margaret Fajkus
on Sep 3, 2013
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“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing people who don’t love you, either.”

~ Mandy Hale

Find your life partner in these four (not easy) steps.

What is a life partner? The term may sound self-explanatory, but let’s take a moment to break down its meaning. I prefer this phrase over soul mate. Although in some cases the two may be interchangeable, “soul mate” tends to conjure up images of Hollywood-projected princes completing the pathetic lives of shallow princesses whose entire Disney existence involves waiting for their prince to come and make them happy forever after.

A life partner is a mate, a friend and lover with whom you wish to spend your life.

Your whole life? Well, maybe or maybe not. Again, Hollywood, media and society tells us we need to find a mate and settle down for life. For some, this works. (You know, that particular class of people who meet each other in school, get married young and have a happy marriage that endures for decades.)

However, in many cases, the life partners’ destiny is to spend just a year (or two or five or ten) together. Then, the situation shifts. One or both of them outgrow the relationship. Or something. Shit happens, and staying together is no longer mutually beneficial.

So, for the purposes of this article, a life partner is a compatible mate (and ideally lover) with whom one connects deeply—physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually—for some meaningful chunk of life.

Are you looking for one? Just follow these simple steps.

  1. Exit Your Current Relationship if Necessary.

Are you presently in a relationship with someone who drives you bananas in a bad way? Release it. Liberate yourself, ASAP. Because the truth is, as long as you’re settling for an incompatible partner, you’re most likely not open or available to meet a suitable, potential partner for life.

I know it’s hard; I’ve been there. But no matter how good the sex is or how stimulating the conversation, deep down you know when a partnership is no longer viable. Be compassionate, and get out.

  1. You Complete You.

Basics first: you need a home and a job. If you are living with your parents or your ex, find a place of your own. Once you have your own space, you can begin to take actions that make you feel content and complete. Join a recreational sports team, take an art or cooking class, read, do yoga more consistently, learn another language… whatever it is, do the things that feed your soul. Maybe even move to another city, state or country if so inspired.

It’s a cliché for a reason: you’ve got to complete yourself and love yourself first.

  1. Know Who You’re Looking For.

There is great value in knowing yourself, exploring all the nooks of your unique personality, and identifying exactly what kind of life partner you seek. Write a list or a poem or a story describing that person’s traits. What are your top priorities? What are your dealbreakers? With whom do you want to share your precious life this time around?

  1. Give Up The Search.

Really. Get off and take a hike. Do the things in real life that you want to do, but not with any ulterior motive of snagging a soul mate. Tune into the peace and joy and abundance that are your true nature. Be grateful for what you have and who you are. And one of these days, sooner or later, you will find yourself standing in love with your wonderful life partner.

We all desire and deserve happiness, but our bliss cannot depend on our relationship status.

To recap: stop settling, find wholeness in your solitary life, define the qualities of your ideal mate, and quit searching for him or her. With perseverance and a little luck, you will enter a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship with your life partner. It will feel too good to be true, but it will be just plain good and true.

Relephant bonus:


The one Buddhist Red Flag to watch out for & how you’ll know if he or she is The One.


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Ed: Sara Crolick

Mindful bonus:


About Michelle Margaret Fajkus

Michelle Margaret is a Gemini yogini, writer, teacher and retreat leader who founded Yoga Freedom in 2002 in Austin, Texas. Her home since 2012 is Lake Atitlán, Guatemala where she lives in a tiny eco cabin with her Colombiano partner and their adorable daughter, dog and two gatos. Michelle has been writing this column for elephant journal since 2010 and has written some inspiring books, with more on the way. She leads yoga and mindfulness retreats and serves as the retreat managers for the stunningly beautiful Villa Sumaya on majestic Lago Atitlan. Her lineage is the very esoteric Yoga Schmoga, which incorporates hatha yoga asana, dharma (Buddhist) teachings, pranayama (breath work), yin yoga, mindfulness practices and meditation. Join Michelle on retreat in Guatemala!


26 Responses to “Find Your Life Partner in 4 (not so) Easy Steps.”

  1. What a great definition of a life partner. Thank you. And thank you for describing a humble, sane, fulfilling path to find one when the time is right. So many of my friends are on in what seems to be 24/7 and insist I too need to be doing this, too.

    I'm going with your advice, Michelle.

  2. Very clear & succinct… I did this exactly, and yes, I found my life partner. Took about 2.5 years from step 1 to step 4 – best investment in time of my life.

  3. Michelle says:

    Brenda, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Here's to finding your life partner offline, on your own time!

  4. Michelle says:

    Cool, Kara-Leah. Thanks for sharing. It doesn't happen immediately, but it is so worth the wait! Namsate, Michelle

  5. Dave says:

    Give up the search? Totally? Hmmm…

    I literally said to myself, "Maybe I'll meet a cutie" when a friend asked me to go to an Oscar's party (that I'd normally not be interested in), and there she was as I entered… and now 2 years later we're engaged. If I'd given up the search, I wouldn't have gone.

    Yeah, no one wants someone who's desperate, but I think some action and intention to connect is required.

    Just sayin'

  6. Nyleen Lacy says:

    "It will feel too good to be true, but it will be just plain good and true." Love that.

  7. Mishka says:

    One important note regarding: "Are you presently in a relationship with someone who drives you bananas in a bad way."

    Often intimate relationships are intimate because they touch the deepest parts of our emotional and psychological being and when people feel like they are being "driven bananas" by a partner that is an indication that something needs to be resolved by both partners. Someone is being triggered and the question of "why" is an incredibly important one. New freedom and deeper love can be found if both partners are willing to understand this question and grow as individuals together. If you bounce out of relationships as soon as they get deep and you feel emotionally challenged you will be avoiding the deeper issues and dimensions of your own personality and attachment mechanisms. Our society embraces throwing things away, getting the newer, hotter, more exciting model. Few lasting long term relationships are built on this paradigm.

    I'm not defending dysfunctional relationships, I'm saying if both partners want to grow and work through conflict that is necessary for longevity and depth.

  8. Rab says:

    Well, I think my partner fits this and I did actually find him on OKCupid. But I had a big and fulfilling life outside of OKCupid and dated off there only with lots of pickiness and listening to my gut. 🙂

  9. Beth says:

    I've done all of the above. I've left bad relationships. I have a fulfilling personal life where I'm active and involved but not so much that I don't have time for others. I've quit the dating sites. They are demoralizing. I do however get out there and do things that I enjoy and hope to meet people that way, not just potential mates but friends. And I have met friends but…

    I'm still single. Some days I'm ok with it. Other days are terribly lonely. I'm beginning to believe in fate. If it's meant to happen, it will. I'm not sure it's meant to happen for me.

  10. Alex Stone says:

    I love yoga, yoga classes in London are predominantly full of women and not really the place to pick up. Need a new game plan ha ha.

  11. Nicole says:

    I love this article! All these steps worked for me exactly in this order. In 2008 I left a relationship that was not quite balanced and left me feeling a lot less loved than I had expected I would ever feel. I had told myself that if this relationship didn't work out, I would be done with relationships, and done with dating. I concentrated on making myself happy. I did stuff I loved, got involved with organizations I was passionate about. And if I didn't meet anyone EVER, BIG DEAL!! I would happy with my own life until the end of my days! I was genuinely HAPPY on my own. I was so busy with my own life that "looking" for someone was just something I never had the time or interest for. BUT, I told myself that if I was to get involved again, he would have to be A, B, and C and have X, Y and Z qualities. And then, quite literally, we bumped into each other in a hallway. Years later, he would tell me that he loved how passionate I was about my life and that he was hoping to one day have a part in it.

    This whole process took 4-5 years and it was well worth it. But I realize that it doesn't always happen like this for everyone. For most, it never happens at all. My partner and I, we realize how lucky we are and our relationship is something that we do not take for granted and it's something we work at everyday.

    I think that being happy with yourself and your own life is the best thing you can do for yourself. One's happiness should not be dependent on someone else. That's a lot of expectation to be putting on someone and it's not fair to that someone else! You should be the kind of person you hope to find.

  12. How about find your life partner in one easy step?

    Step 1. Look in the mirror.

    I am my own perfect mate and life partner, and whoever I am with is a BONUS.
    Ok, other than that, this was actually a great article, and quite refreshing.

  13. jillianlocke says:

    Perfect. Thank you for being such a radiant conduit <3

  14. i.dilsath begum says:

    Hi I am female 29 years old wen I vl b married

  15. suzanne says:

    Sometimes I think it’s never gonna happen and then he walks into my life, but I am not ready. Or he’s not, when I am. I know he’s out there because he’s in my life right now as I am in his, but other forces prevent it from becoming more. I have hope that one day it will so in the meantime I am living while I am alive.

  16. lukmanhussain chowdhury says:

    I found my life


  17. Randall says:

    Wow, she makes far too many assumptions. It is "a" point of view, but relationships and such should deserve a better more intimated look into the details before ones advocates scrubbing relationships based on the scant detail provided in such a short article. Seriously, the subject deserves a little more respect than what is offered in this short little piece.

  18. jaclyn says:

    how about some u know for few hours and that person say that he fall in love on the first sight but after a week he dissapear

  19. Richard owusu says:

    Please I want my life partner and need your help,

  20. Tay says:


  21. Tania says:

    It’s a great plan. I have done all the steps. But I’m still single after 3 years. Some days it’s fine. Some days it’s not. Maybe I should get another cat and give up on finding someone to lean on. :/

  22. Stephanie says:

    It all sounds great, but some of us don’t want our first relationship to be when we’re forty. Some of us aren’t patient. Some of us are so tired of going to weddings and baby showers. And it also doesn’t help that the ad next to the comments is advertising baby crap!

  23. Joanne says:

    Soon to be 59, divorced after a long marriage, 30+ yrs, on my own for 4 yrs just now getting the interest to start dating. Your advice is helpful. Dating sites do work for some but I’m not inclined to join another one. This all takes time, patience, and some courage. Learning to live through loneliness is a bit of a skill building experience, not fun, but to grow from.

  24. marke says:

    Nice article and good reading on find your life partner. I thing this 4 steps really helpful for finding the perfect life partner. I would like to also share one good article on this topic. read this

  25. Ali says:

    I want to find real life partner

  26. kishor says:

    i want to find my real life partner