Kiss Me, Don’t Spank Me. ~ Cigdem Toskay

Via Cigdem Toskay
on Sep 13, 2013
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photo courtesy Makena Gadient
photo courtesy Makena Gadient

You can even bite my underlip if you like.

Spank me?

Well, I’m not so sure, honey!

I’ve been in and out of relationships, long-term, marriage, one-night stands and all.

I have enjoyed the full spectrum of the heterosexual relationship rainbow (I have never tasted the luxuries of a homosexual relationship), but being completely illiterate in regards to the art of spanking, I cannot conceive of how the act belongs with a ‘‘feminist’’ lifestyle!

This is nothing new, I know. Believe me, in this part of the world where I live, almost three out of five encounters in some way hits this bottom line (no pun intended). Turkish culture is rooted in the corporeal punishment against women and men (Google ‘‘Ottoman Slap’’ for more about my patriarchal history).

The submission-domination game is a real turn-off sometimes—especially when it is the first time you are sleeping with someone—since it hardly ever occurs to the dominator to ask for permission, or whether the action is pleasurable.

You might be thinking such thoughts as “you don’t know how to let go and trust your partner.” Even if that is true, do I have to be degraded or humiliated at his mercy, him the master, I am the slave, so that my partner gets aroused and I punished hence also aroused? In this way, I am a bad, bad girl’? Is that a plus? Really?

What or who is a ‘bad girl‘? A woman who is breaking the rules? And what is wrong with sex under the stars? Nothing. I just want to know there is a human being alive behind those staring and devouring alien eyes! Hello from Venus to Mars?!

This makes me think of parents spanking their children for being naughty. Even a six-year old child, boy or girl, feels the humiliation: their ears burn, physical punishment cuts through the skin.

It may be learned that way in such and such a context, then as grown-ups we are told to separate the childhood memories from the bedroom fantasies.

Even when the government is getting actively involved in child reproduction and birth control policies in my country—really? Do you think this is ever possible?

To completely renounce this and reach zero, visit a few Osho camps and get high on psychedelics (which I must, no, they insist I must, and perhaps I might) to shed the layers of the ever-controlling mind, be completely free from dogma and finally enjoy life and then leave it at that? What are we talking about?

Enjoyment, play, games, relationships, intimacy for an hour, for a second, for a what? Forget time anyway, it is not zen.

What happened to the good-old ‘‘I love you,’’ gooey, normal sex? What I mean is making love. What happened to full exposure of the heart and soul? The ice-cream movie dates where one kiss was enough and you’d call it the night.

When and why did romanticism fly out the door and Kama Sutra and gender politics became a normal part of the adult bedroom?

Why is it so boring to love the heart-way and so exciting to role-play love?

Has anyone ever experienced role-play love transform into I heart you? Is it not (normally) the other way around, or am I too old-fashioned in thinking this?

No offence if this sounds too nostalgic and old school, but I am bored with all the drama and the “oh, I haven’t tried this, I must do the other 99 things on my list before I die” type of sex.

You say ‘‘grow up.’’

I say ‘‘be an innocent child.’’

Why do we have to fake play—role-play that is just an illusion of the mind—when we can really play, an act coming from the most innocent place in the heart? Is it not possible without Osho, psychedelics, mantras and tantra?

Is it not possible by just being ‘‘you and me’’?

I am a devotee to the idea of treating our bodies like temples. Although although some roads may lead others to the land of ‘‘paradise sex,” I am awfully grateful for having been fallen from that ‘‘garden of eden,’’ because nobody tells this ‘‘baby’’ if she is good or bad!

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

Assistant Ed: Renee Picard / Ed: Sara Crolick


About Cigdem Toskay

Cigdem lives and teaches yoga in Istanbul, Turkey. Both a Business Administration Management graduate as well as Classical Archaeology, she is also a proud member of the International Yoga Federation (IYF) Family. Her main yoga interests lie in Hatha and Restorative styles, but she is always willing to try what’s new in town. An avid traveler, she has lived and worked mostly in the German speaking realm of Europe. She discovered the power of therapeutic yoga after suffering a joint inflammation. While living and studying in Vienna, hot yoga and shiatsu practices were her favorites and a sure way to full recovery. After moving back to Turkey in 2008, her interest in self-practice grew. She graduated from her yoga teacher training in May 2012 and is currently teaching at the OM Yoga Center in Istanbul, Turkey as well as writing about her personal discoveries in her yoga journey on her Turkish blog Yoga Talasana. As the Istanbul yoga scene is growing and more international yoga visitors frequent the city she attended workshops by Sean Corn, Sianna Sherman, Victor van Kooten & Angela Farmer, Hart Lazer, Zoltan Zadjva, Mey Elbi and Nicole Ohme. Cigdem also participates in the corporate life as a devotee to the hospitality sector, working in an international hotel chain as Quality Manager. Her aspirations in life are to write and be happy in her own skin. She loves her name (= Crocus) and started to love herself more. A healthy dose of head stands and triangle poses and an active life, what is there more to ask?


4 Responses to “Kiss Me, Don’t Spank Me. ~ Cigdem Toskay”

  1. doublezebra says:

    This article is offensive to anyone who's ever practiced BDSM in a safe, sane and consensual way. Take this passage:

    "The submission-domination game is a real turn-off sometimes—especially when it is the first time you are sleeping with someone—since it hardly ever occurs to the dominator to ask for permission, or whether the action is pleasurable."

    That blankets every dom in the BDSM lifestyle as people who, rarely according to the author, ask permission or seek prior consent to a sexual act. Consent is a hugely important part of sex and relationships, but it's almost more important in BDSM relationships. There's a word for someone who doesn't seek consent before doing something sexual: asshole. By saying most "dominators" don't seek consent, the author is calling most doms and dommes assholes.

    If the author isn't comfortable being submissive in bed, she doesn't have to be. But her attempts to proselytize her vanilla, old-fashioned view of sex by shaming those who have wider sexual preferences than her are misguided.

  2. Cigdem says:

    Thank you for your frank opinion and comment.

    I know that this point of view can be taken from a very old fashioned way of sexuality. Nevertheless, I wish I was living in such a social context (for I am not living in the States, also not denying that in my country there are BDSM relationships) such sexual freedom actually occurs. My point of view is totally coming from the hitting as not in play but in really hurting someone because one is a man the other a woman. Please if possible, try and read this from this point of view, where there is a rape culture, sexual abuse is never an open discussion but yet to be confronted. I absolutely like to distinguish between the BDSM and the sexually abusive contexts.

    Thank you again.

  3. Bolline BelMelange says:

    i will say from strictly my own personal experience….if there is a domination aspect to any sex act, i trigger and it goes badly. I'm not one who can handle humiliation, violence, or abuse.
    *that* being said…if i'm feeling intense and stimulated, the circumstances feel right, and i'm with someone i absolutely trust and am comfortable with…the physical skin/nerve/muscle stimulation can be VERY nice. there had to be respect, and attention paid, and eased into at first. sometimes it's just a little and playful. sometimes i crave more intensity and it fires the blood..and sometimes it's therapeutic. it really does get the adrenaline and dopamine going. like a good deep massage or exfoliation, bur erotic.

  4. Cigdem says:

    Me neither. Humiliation, violence and abuse a NO NO. When there is mutual consent, trust and intimacy, anything goes and yes, I agree the skin/nerve/muscle stimulation is totally NICE.

    I live in Istanbul, and my country's culture is sometimes just like a twilight zone, an in-between worlds between patriarchal and extreme freedom. But most often also freedom that comes with a price. I guess we have a road to walk, since adult sexuality is taboo for most men and women in this city. The elect few if they are lucky to meet and bond are indeed sometimes on new territory with lots of experimentation. There is nothing wrong with that too. My personal ''old-fashioned'' point of view and wish-formula is egalitarian and playful, joyful, just like a child. That's all! 🙂

    Thanks for pointing out the therapeutic affect as well. Yes, very true. 🙂