February 11, 2014

The One Thing We Need to Have a Healthy Relationship.

Unedited Happy Hair!

In the spring of 2012, I flew to Maui for the first time.

I was so excited to take my much needed vacation—and promptly got a head cold just days before having to take my six hour flight across the Pacific Ocean. The pain I endured on the flight seemed to subside once I arrived; the air was moist and the palm trees were swaying.

My friend picked me up and we went to Whole Foods to get some supplies for the week. I was staying with her and her boyfriend in a small surf shack that was a few yards from the ocean.

I was single during this trip and not very happy about it, so it was slightly annoying to be staying with a couple. But, I made the best of it by waking up and doing yoga on the beach each morning. Then one morning, in a total fit of frustration, I had one of the greatest insights into my life.

Here I was in paradise and I still managed to be grumpy and upset that “I didn’t have what I wanted.” The age old saying then took life inside of me; wherever you go there you are.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told to just love myself. What is even worse than being told this platitude is being threatened that if I don’t love myself first no one will love me. But, just as that age old phrase settled in my bones there on the beach so has the concept of self-love taken root in my life.

not for reuse dance lightThere is no escaping you—I am stuck with me.

This means that the best thing anyone can do to have a healthy relationship is to be the person they want to be with.

Fall in love with life. Cultivate joy. Create and play.

After my most recent separation from the man I love, I discovered that I wasn’t so happy with my life—not because of the separation, but because I had esteemed his life as so much more interesting than mine.

I became envious and resentful that he could have so much fun and I had to be responsible.

It has taken a little time for me to arrive at the conclusion that no one has their shit together. He doesn’t. I don’t. My parents didn’t. So the best thing anyone can do is have fun. Do things that make life fun, interesting, vibrant and sexy.

Most of us have to pay the bills; we are the oil in the well oiled machine that is capitalism. Some of us are rats in the rat race—but even rats know how to play. So, if your boss is getting you down: quit.

If you don’t like the industry you are in get educated in one you can enjoy—or don’t let your job be the source of your identity. Let it be the thing that fuels other things like a stable family life. Let it provide funding for your hobbies.

If you don’t have hobbies get some. (Watching TV is not a hobby; neither is drinking.)

Nothing is more attractive than a person who shows up for their life.

Write your own ticket. Prescribe yourself your own script. Write on it, “Be you.”

Try and fail then stop believing in failure and just try.

It is the healthiest thing we can do.


All Healthy Relationships Have Hiccups.

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship. 

Bonus! Before we have a healthy relationship, we need a healthy first date:


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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: elephant archives


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Paula Jul 25, 2015 6:43am

Learning to love yourself is not simple, I have MS and this in itself gives me self loathing, I find it hard to like myself when this disease is so much a part of me and causes my partner so much grief.
It has changed me, it pains me and as much as I want nothing more than to be happy and be me, I struggle with a relationship, where he is my carer, he no longer treats me as his partner, but a patient with a disability, and he has to help care for me. I feel like such a burden, he has taken control of everything and I feel resentment. So I just want to say it’s not easy to love yourself when you dont feel whole, or in control. I am tired of being told “it’s all good” because it’s not all good, it’s bad, it’s really bad!! His intentions are obviously good, but it’s so demeaning to be reliant on a person who should be your partner not just your carer. What’s the answer, I feel desperately deflated???

Joy Contemplacion Jun 17, 2015 5:17pm

“Nothing is more attractive than a person who shows up for their life.”
Pretty much sums it up.
Loved this. Thank you!

Pamela May 30, 2015 6:07am

What a wonderful and inspiring response, Ken. I, too, am in a similar situation. One day at a time, Luana. You’ll be surprised how far you will come….

Also, WONDERFUL article, Rebekah.

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Rebekah Freedom

Rebekah Freedom McClaskey is a Breakup Specialist and psychic. She offers one-on-one counseling in person and over the phone as well as hosts Breakup Rehab Support Group. She has a master’s degree in transpersonal counseling psychology from Naropa University. Rebekah is passionate about using her extensive knowledge of love and relationships to set people free. Listen to her podcast. To work with Rebekah visit her website and catch up with her on Facebook.