Follow these Lucky 13 Steps to get Miserable!

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Thirteen Surefire Ways to be Happy—in a Fake & Temporary Manner!

If you want to stay miserable, keep doing these 13 things.

It’s Spring! Everyone is too busy playing in the sun. Goddamned Spring and sunshine and flowers…people gotta get back inside and onlineBe unhappy and pale!

To the cocoon!

So here’s a helpful reminder from the dark angel on your left shoulder: let’s leave that sunshiney Nature-induced, genuine, expansive, interdependent true sort of Happiness behind and focus on our own happiness for the win!

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Top 13 Ways we can get truly Miserable & stay that Way!

1. Get out of bed on the wrong side tomorrow. Drink in the morning. Ideally, don’t wake up in the morning. But if we do, drink and smoke in the morning. Inside. Corollary: Avoid sunshine. Keep iPhone on while sleeping, which will help us avoid deep sleep. Do not meditate before going to bed.

2. Fuck the environment! Booooring. Instead, let’s conspicuously consume then dispose (plastic, preferably). Corollary: don’t think about the welfare of all sentient beings, focus solely on yourself. Even better, focus solely on myself.

3. Don’t practice mindfulness meditation: instead, focus on the past, on regrets, and present jealousies and future dreams (choose supposedly-impossible dreams that highlight your own present insecurities).

4. Don’t exercise: exercise causes breath in and out. Corollary: do not laugh, relax in any way; do not practice maitri.

5. Focus on money, sex, nice possessions and perfection: they will make you happy.

6. Drugs. No, lots of drugs. Too much of a good thing can be miserable.

7. When we feel stressed out, let’s take ourselves super-seriously and yell at people (my personal favorite).

8. Text while walking, text while pooping, text while talking to friends, text while watching a movie, text while eating. Don’t stop to smell the roses—rather, fill any and all gaps! Gaps are where inspiration, humor and relaxation blossom—so step on those flowers-to-be.

9. Eat cheap food while standing up and/or texting. This even works with really good food!

10. Read (and develop our own!) conspiracy theories and externalize a sort of casual hatred for politicians as the source of most of our problems instead of doing our own dishes or laundry or paying bills or making peace with friends in our own life. The point is not that there isn’t corruption based on greed and fear–the point is to focus on the external world without taming and uplifting our own lives.nip slip huffington post sex feminism rape

11. Let’s only get our news from sitcoms and reality TV and biased news sources like MSNBC, Fox News, or Huffington “Kardashian Nip Slip” Post. Avoid independent news sources or quality journalism that might cover things we’re not already interested in or, worse, offer us different points of view than our own. Threaten to leave said communities if presented with disagreeable viewpoints.

Extended Corollary: Never listen to anyone else when they are talking, interrupt constantly: focus our attention on our own important thoughts (which we conveniently already agree with!) and what we’re going to say next.

Further Corollary: don’t hang out with people who irritate and/or disagree with us. Always surround oneself with yes-men.

12: Be too cool for school. Get a purportedly meaningful tattoo (doesn’t matter of what), go to a huge gathering with like-minded folks (Tea Party, Burning Man, again doesn’t matter), cover yourself in makeup, wear clothes from another culture, dread your whitey hair or straighten your curly hair—ie, don’t be yourself—reference in-group words with self-satisfaction, have a weird diet (Paleo, vegan, any will do)…but never lean into life when the going gets tough. Instead, dramatically quit and find another clique. Corollary: be super-alternative in your bumper stickers and tats while selling your soul in your business life every day.

13. Read blogs about Top 10 ways to be Happy by hypocritical wannabe yoga or youtube celebrities who have ambition and agents but don’t give a shit about you and aren’t themselves truly happy.

 

fancy car

~

Assist credit goes to: Rachel Nussbaum, who is no longer my friend because she disagrees with me intelligently and thoughtfully on occasion.

 

Relephant bonus:

The Zen of Ego.

Ten Things that are Bad for Us that can be Good for You if Practiced Mindfully.

Maitri.

~
Relephant bonus: how to get Rich without Selling out:

Bonus:
unhappy happy happiness

The Elephant Ecosystem

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anonymous Sep 18, 2015 3:29am

Well done. By the end of the article I was like….what a dick bag. Then I read the comments and caught on. Almost weirds we out that, with my own sense of humor, I did not catch on easier.

anonymous May 12, 2015 5:47pm

I almost always start to bristle at these, and then I realize….ooh…right… I've been taking myself too seriously. LOL Thanks for this. 🙂

anonymous May 12, 2015 10:43am

I think his point is not to blindly follow pop culture with fads like fad diets , tats ect! Be authentic! Be you!

anonymous Aug 19, 2014 10:31pm

This is hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

anonymous May 14, 2014 4:24pm

Waylon, your craziness makes me laugh. Your choice of words don't seem anything extraordinary and yet they ring like 1000 times in my mind. I love you!!!!!

anonymous May 14, 2014 12:58pm

awesome!!

anonymous May 14, 2014 6:26am

I found this not funny, instead, i think this is cool, but i disagree on the tats opinión,i have tats and im on my way to enlightment everyday, no need to mention tats, and gatherings like burning man, u can have and enlightment experience thru the music too….

anonymous May 14, 2014 12:08am

actually, screw that. keep being hilarious and outspoken please. the world needs more of you

anonymous May 14, 2014 12:07am

yikes! Waylon, why so negative? #12 & 13 might hit close to home for this site… idk.. just sayin… I adore you, but others might not get your hilarity. I completely relate, but I think it might need to be elaborated for some. everything else was hilarious though…

anonymous May 13, 2014 11:47pm

Well I had the same view as Bett and then read your response that he took it too seriously… Like what? haha It didn't seem like a joke at all.

anonymous Apr 18, 2014 12:02pm

But…. but Burning Man was AWESOME and freeing and relaxing and nobody took themselves seriously and it was a mental, spiritual, emotional vacation and I liked being around other weirdos….

    anonymous Apr 18, 2014 12:03pm

    CURSES! I forgot to add my P.S. to that.
    P.S. No, I get it. You're right. I gotta live in the real world and learn how to rock it out here instead of hiding out in fantasy lands. Fiiiiiiiiiine. :::siiiigh:::

anonymous Apr 18, 2014 9:02am

The first elephant article that let me down

    anonymous Apr 18, 2014 12:40pm

    Did you want to expand on why? Not everyone has to like everything, but it's supposed to be funny. ~ ed.

anonymous Apr 18, 2014 7:01am

Snorted coffee through my nose – in a good way!

anonymous Mar 31, 2014 8:42pm

This made me laugh. Which sucks, because I wanted to be in a bad mood instead. 🙂

anonymous Mar 31, 2014 2:29am

Thanks for making me belly laugh, so funny and true.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 6:17am

LOL! Good!

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 8:19pm

Vegan is weird? Participating in the torture of millions of sweet lovely animals is weird? I think it’s time to educate yourself.

By the way, another way to be miserable is to be snarkily passive-aggressive and give people lists of things they may have no choice but to do, and make them feel really bad about it. Way to go. Pass that misery along, maybe it’ll make you feel better for a minute.

    anonymous Mar 26, 2014 12:39am

    Serious much? Weird doesn't mean "bad." It means, not conventional. That could be a complement.

    I'm not being passively aggressive, I'm being silly. If you don't find this funny, that's your right, but that's doesn't mean we shouldn't all try and laugh at ourselves.

    PS: I'm vegan. 😉

      anonymous Mar 26, 2014 1:15am

      Someone is taking themselves too seriously! Lol!!

    anonymous Apr 18, 2014 8:39am

    Vegan isn't weird or bad, but participating in a lifestyle simply for the fad or trend is the definition of douchery. And is a sure fire way to being a miserable twat, because you're not living for something you truly believe in, but simply to fit in with all the other pseudo vegan twats who are equally as stupid and miserable.
    If you truly believe in what you're doing, then that is amazing. But don't take the things said by a complete stranger so seriously; especially something said in a witty and satirical manner. It wasnt directed at you, it was simply a statement made to call out the poser generation.

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 6:49pm

These “14” are brilliant. ….. but….. has anyone noticed that there isn’t a number 12? Is this on purpose Waylon? Is it a superstitious way of avoiding 13?

    anonymous Mar 26, 2014 12:40am

    I fixed. Nothing intentional or genius about it…I just moved the numbers around in edits and…well, too much coffee, or not enough. Thanks for the catch!

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 5:21am

I love this. Thanks for the miserable tips. It made me laugh and cheered me up so much!! 🙂

anonymous Mar 23, 2014 8:50pm

Brilliant.

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Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of Elephant Journal & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat.” Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword’s Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by “Greatist”, Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: “the mindful life” beyond the choir & to all those who didn’t know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, touches on modern relationships from a Buddhist point of view. His dream of 9 years, the Elephant “Ecosystem” will find a way to pay 1,000s of writers a month, helping reverse the tide of low-quality, unpaid writing & reading for free online.