I miss you.
It’s true. More than I care to admit to myself. Or anyone. Especially you. It’s not that I need you. When I close my eyes and shut out my fears, I can picture my life without you. I can breathe deep and feel the emptiness inside my bones slowly fade away. Time heals all wounds, right?
But right now, time is my wound. The hours I spend away from you cut me down until your presence brings me back up again. It’s in the moment just before I wake up, when dreams give way to truth—in the helpless sensation of a lonely sunrise. In the time it takes for my mind to stop wandering to and from your door. In the duets we shared in the shower that became reminders of my solitude.
I miss you like a star-crossed archer misses his mark—like Republicans miss the point. I miss you like a simile that only scratches the surface, like the incapacity of three words to summate what you mean to me.
I want to fall asleep in your hair and brush it out of your face when you’re telling me about your day. I want to watch you get dressed and transform into the masterpiece I can’t understand, but appreciate all the more. I want to make you laugh because it makes me feel invincible. I want to drown in your gaze, in the features that give me solace with their familiarity like the pages of my favorite book.
I want to make you believe in happily ever after.
I miss you, but I realize I need to miss you. Every second we’re apart I feel my heart strengthening and my resolve intensifying. Perseverance through the valley is what makes us appreciate the mountaintop. My thirst for you is endless, but come the day I will drink from your cup, my satiation will be bliss. I need your absence because I need to love myself the way I love you. I need to work my hands into the soil and nurture the life I want to live—become the man I want to be.
I miss you but I will find you. I will be standing proudly in your doorway because in our absence, I became the man you deserve. We’ve said our goodbyes and I can’t take back the tears we’ve cried, but when the time comes, I am going to take you in my arms and never let go, for as resolutely as I miss you, I know that our paths will cross again.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Jenna Penielle Lyons
Photo: Courtesy of the author