The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is).
I’m not an expert on relationships, but I’ve had a bunch, and learned from them.
At least enough to gain some intellectual insight that (hopefully) translates over time into a living breathing shift of being.
Turns out, it’s not about making each other happy, or any other kind of imagined perfection. It’s about helping the person in front of you be everything they truly are.
Here are some ways to do that.
1. Hold each other accountable.
Understand the gift she is here to give this world.
2. Call bullshit.
Reflect when he isn’t giving it.
3. Let go.
Trust in her separate journey, even when what she’s doing makes zero sense to you.
4. Remember that your job is not to make him happy.
It’s to allow him the space to find his own happiness—when you’re together, and when you’re apart.
5. Be honest.
One hundred percent. The permission you give yourself to be all of who you are is what creates that space.
6. Fight well.
You’re both on the same team. Your opposition is the misunderstanding—not each other.
7. Embrace attraction to others.
It’s there. Communicate, be clear (with everyone, including yourself), and enjoy your fabulous human existence.
8. Do your work.
It’s usually not about him, or her. Your partner is a flashlight illuminating where you’ve still got work to do. Those feelings of jealousy, resentment and hurt? They’re showing you all the places in you that need your own healing.
9. Remember that you’re a mirror, too.
Reflect back all the beauty that lives in her. Especially when she forgets.
10. Enjoy the ride, man!
Seriously. You’re never going to figure it all out, so you might as well just love everybody.
~
Ed: Lynn Hasselberger
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I loved this. So right on.
then i have set a lot of folks free or vice versa … painful bu thanks for the validation on what have been very rich life-altering relationships… i'm going to tattoo this one for my next partner in freedom !
Good advice-especially about letting go and letting the person have their journey
even when it doesn't make sense to you:) love that part.
YES!! to all of the above. And bottom line for me is OPEN HEART/COMPASSION for my Self and Other in every moment.
yes! compassion is the key. so much crazy stuff comes up in relationships – so important to have the perspective of compassion for all of it.
beautiful Natasha
Love this so much! Thank you!
Wow Natasha! So insightful! You really captured the essence of why we are here honestly. To allow each other the space just to be who we are and discover how that changes and shifts as we find ourselves over and over again in new situations and help us flow through embracing love, accepting who we are, and honoring each other. Thanks for sharing!!
"To allow each other the space just to be who we are and discover how that changes and shifts as we find ourselves over and over again in new situations and help us flow through embracing love, accepting who we are, and honoring each other"
i love it. so well put. nothing is ever static or sure: the only thing to do is be with the moment as it unfolds, and ALLOW it to unfold completely.
love!
Hellow Deb,
Good talking . . but please, can you define love?
Thanks for the beautiful reminder.
Natasha, I want to thank you for this post. I had a semi-complete breakdown today after seeing my ex and started thinking about how nice it would be to have that closeness with him again. I totally forgot why I ended it in the first place. Then the universe brought me in contact with your article and vividly reminded me what was missing. You've also given me a ray of light that lends me hope for future relationships. Definitely bookmarking your article
so glad you found your way here!
breakups. fucking. suck.
i was going through a particularly wrenching one a while back, missing him terribly, and my big sis offered this: "we aren't buddhist monks. we've chosen to be householders and live in a world where attachement is inevitable. which means the pain of severing that attachment is inevitable. and it leaves you feeling a giant hole where you used to feel closeness and comfort. but that's what a lot of people refer to as the 'god-shaped hole' – you can try to fill it with people, substances and distracting behaviors, but none of them ever stick. because that's the space that you need to leave open for god."
neither of us thinks of god in a theological sense, but i got what she meant. those crazy feelings of hurt and longing are a doorway into a deeper communion with your self. that closeness you long for belongs to YOU. and it's your choice when you decide to share it with another person.
you got this!! keep going. thank you so much for sharing!
what a great article i agree!! thank you so much for sharing!
The thing I object the most in this list isn't in the list. It's the implicit assumption that what you do and what you are are the same thing. Well, they're NOT.
A couple is made by two "one"s that join to make a ONE that's bigger, to which BOTH belong. You're not there to make the other happy (or viceversa), but if you get in a couple you have to have "rules", conditions, that are negociated, ad of which BOTH take responsibility. Then if later some of them become something you don't stand anymore, you can always re-negociate. But, while love (as a sentiment) is unconditional, relationship can't be so. Freedom is in setting rules together and, once in agreement on that, take responsibility about them and respect them (and ask for them to be respected by the partner). It's a process, a work in progress, and the rules are always re-negotiable. And if you don't find a satisfying agreement, you should not start (or keep) the relationship as a couple.
Otherwise, we're talking "friendship" here, not "love" as in a couple relationship… Friendship with benefits, if you like. But still friendship and nothing more.
Thanks Davide! I totally agree. Relationship is a constantly unfolding negotiation of boundaries, needs, desires, trust, etc etc. The freedom of which I speak is found within that structure. Good communication and ability to agree on the structure (as it evolves) is a precondition for everything I list above. Thanks for adding!
I totally get what you're saying, re-negotiating , embracing change and growth.
It ended my marriage when I had finally had to face and accept that my husband was not capable of change, renegotiating and totaaly adverse to growth.
When I fiannly realosed that all he wanted was to "got back to the way it was" only then did I have the strength to leave.
Suddenly opportunities and posibiliites opened up, I found myself surrounded by beautiful people.
I am happy I lfet hi
Hellow Davide,
What you say is good in theory, but jn practice differs a lot – next time you and probably all of us will repeat the same
mistakes and might come out with an adjusted new theory helping us to move on .
I see all comments refer to " love" – You see, there is a destructive misunderstanding among humans: They don't know
the reason they are together with a life companion. In most cases they like to say the reason being "love" whereas
actually the reason is " sex" . So instead of saying aloud to your companion "Iwant you " you prefer to whisper in his/her
ear " I love you" and here is the building up of a misunderstanding.s
Somebody here referred even to God . I was certain that sooner or later, God would creep into it . . .
Agree/disagree or what?
'
Disagree. I am not with my partner because of sex. Sex is only a bonus/expression of the feelings we have developed for each other. Sorry, but this perspective of yours seems a bit immature to me.
We want to form intelligent relationships based on actual knowledge of each other that has developed over time, not over night, not relationships based on feelings of desperation, we all feel desperate, pulls to fill frozen needs, looking for mommy or daddy, or on sexual attractions, he/she is sexy! Excellent article!
I love what you have said here! My friends who I shared this with love it too, both the ones who are in a serious relationship and ones who are not. That says alot. I would also like to stress that I think this list applies (more or less) to any relationship: colleagues, friends, family, lovers, etc.
I have to add to this list one piece of information that I got from a counsellor that stuck with me: every relationship involves (some amount of) negotiation. You must be able to express your own wants/needs, understand theirs, and come to reasonable compromises where both of your needs are met and it feels like an equal give and take.
Thank you!
…and hopefully setting YOURSELF free in the process as well… xx
Thanks, Natasha. Couldn't have been more timely. These are all the things I'm working so hard to remind myself of in a hard moment. The smaller ego self is actively lobbying for me to work against at least five of those principles, while it's wanting to blow up number one, Hold Each Other Accountable, and number two, Call Bullshit, into tools with which to punish my partner.
Thank the Mystery for breath, for a daily movement practice, and for teachers like you to ring the bell of mindfulness so that I can balance my responses; so that I can allow a wiser, larger part of myself to steer a little more of the time; and so that I can remember that even my own happiness is not the most important thing to me. Truth, vision, growth, reverence and curiosity- aren't these really at the center of a life well lived?
Oops, I forgot to mention extreme self-awareness. Glad to see you're on that one, Peter. May we all know the difference between fear-based and soul-based choices.
Truth, vision, growth, reverence, and curiosity: all worth tattooing on my palm.
That's all I got. RIght there with you.
Live in a present moment. It will never be how it use to be, so don't expect your past to fill up your present moment. We all change with time, so realize there is nothing more beautiful than that. Even if our past was one of the most memorable moments, simply acknowledge it with a smile and let it go.
Hellow Laura
You are very close to understand the true essence of life.
[...] just read Natasha Blank’s post on The Whole Point of Every Relationship…and it really hit [...]
Those people seen crying, does not mean they are "good" – they are the " victims" – :" Godama Bhudda".
Love is complex and can have different meanings. I subcategorize into Eros (a feeling of wanting, yearning, desiring, infatuation, that sort of thing), and Agape (a feeling of gratitude, giving, supporting, letting go, appreciating, revering, unconditional accepting, and like that). To be in a sexual relationship with someone often involves Eros, which can feel very exciting and passionate. The feeling of excitement that can come from perceived desire from another is very heady, intoxicating stuff. Agape is sometimes more difficult to experience or understand as it involves a level of detachment and this is something I think a lot of humans have little experience with, IMHO. Often, detachment is perceived as cold, disinterested, and uncaring, which when a component of Agape is not the case. Detachment in Agape merely means accepting, not taking unpleasant communication from a loved one personally, spacious appreciation, caring and not grasping. Where Eros is desire, Agape is service. Both aspects are appropriate and can be pleasant to experience. In a romantic and sexual relationship, I believe the best experiences occur when both aspects are in play and the partners can be aware of how they are loving and how they WANT to love in any given moment. I think awareness and the internal process of choosing can empower each of us in our dance of how to best be “in” love in the moment. My 2 cents.
Either this, or that: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults…
Hey MDR, curious to hear your thoughts about this. Did you interpret this article as referring to one of the insecure attachments described in the wiki piece? If you did — or didn't, and mean something else — I'd love your take. Relationships are such a delicate balance between independence and heathy interdependence, close relationships with other and close relationships to oneself. It's a conversation I'm always interested in opening up.
This list is great and to the point perfectly, laconically. I say you open the length of this article- and write a book on the same topic. Good stuff!
Why thanks, Robert! Playing with that idea for a moment – what would you like me to expand on? What other questions would you be interested in having me address?
Agreed!
You have no idea how much I needed to read this. Thank you
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[...] 5. The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is). [...]
Loved reading through this article and discussion. And I wanted to offer a component related to ego and defensiveness. In my view interdependence is key to a successful relationship and is only attainable when both partners remain open and curious towards each others needs, desires and feelings. In an effort to constantly do what’s best for the relationship each person is not only responsible for being aware, honest and willing to share all of these aspect but also willing to go to places unknown in order to satisfy all these aspects (which in the end are forever shifting depending on circumstance and perspective). Remaining in the present moment at all times is essential and understanding that holding ground could potentially inhibit the creation of ultimate pathways towards a stronger relationship. If one person perpetually holds his/her ground the other person most likely will feel compromised. I believe the true strength of a relationship is related to the propensity for each partner to demonstrate their independence with loving kindness and then to commit to building interdependence by letting go of their independence only to build a new state of understanding with their partner that is even greater and more powerful than if they were to keep their stand alone. Keeping in check with ego is important to remain open and aware. Curious to hear any thoughts Natasha
Thanks again for such a simple yet thoughtful read!
I love what you have to say, Nicole. Especially the part, "If one person perpetually holds his/her ground the other person most likely will feel compromised. I believe the true strength of a relationship is related to the propensity for each partner to demonstrate their independence with loving kindness and then to commit to building interdependence by letting go of their independence only to build a new state of understanding with their partner that is even greater and more powerful than if they were to keep their stand alone." YES!
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[...] read this: The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is), from the blog Elephant [...]