Be respectful of hers and your feelings by allowing the space for real and honest decisions to be made.
To recap from the first part of this article the attributes we have been working on are to cultivate a deep sense of presence, to get curious about the people in our lives, and to practice composure in the face of intensity.
These three pieces form a foundation that has enhanced my relationships, not just with women, but with all people and all aspects of my life. Simply being aware of how important these pieces are could already have a significant impact on the way we are showing up in the world.
The following attributes are built upon the previous and, as I embody them increasingly into my life, are serious game changers.
Unapologetically own our desire
This is an incredibly vulnerable practice because to own and speak our true desires creates the possibility of being rejected. The alternative, when we are not forthright about what we want, is that it often leaves a women confused and uncertain about what is going on with us.
It’s likely she will have some kind of awareness or suspicion there is something we aren’t saying; yet she won’t be able to feel it if we are hiding or muting our desire for the sake of preserving our appearance or making her feel “comfortable”.
If we aren’t able to feel our own turn-on then for sure she won’t experience being turned on around us and lukewarm receptivity is likely as far as we will go. Guys who get the “Let’s be friends” talk often may be not be owning some aspect of their desires.
To be unapologetic about our desire is simply that, to not be sorry that we—as living, breathing, feeling human beings—actually want something! I am discovering in my own life that the more I am able to express what I actually want, whether I get it or not, the more empowered I feel. And that power radiates throughout my life.
The counterpoint to this is to be unattached to the outcome and practice the skill of composure when we are given a “no”. Some of the most exciting times I have had were when I stayed present and unwavering in my desire even in the face of a “no”, allowing the woman I was with to make a really clear and conscious choice about her own desire which is now free to change moment-by-moment.
If we can be so strong in our desire that we could hear “no” forever and still want it without collapsing, posturing or resorting to any kind of manipulation, then I am certain the women in our life are going to feel simultaneously safe and desiring of us—and that feels pretty damn good.
Be honest and responsible
In some way or another, when it comes to dating, we are all involved in a giant biological mating game. As men, sometimes our biology screams at us to spread our seed far and wide, yet as consciously evolving men we can make higher choices than simply following the urges of our cocks. The investment for us is pretty low when it comes to sex and hormonally our bodies reflect that.
I have heard it said that oxytocin, the bonding hormone, has a relationship with testosterone that causes it to be more quickly metabolised, as a result men take a lot longer to really bond than women. This means that for most women getting intimate means some kind of bonding occurs, biologically she is wired to have this happen and her initial investment is often larger than ours.
One of the most respectful things I think we can do as men is to be transparently honest about what we want with a woman. If all we want is sex, then we should say it unapologetically and own our desire—giving her the choice to say yes or no. It may mean we don’t have sex, but at least we didn’t hurt another person’s feelings by creating an emotional entanglement with hidden expectations and obligations.
If we want to date a woman for a while yet don’t think she is a life partner (and be honest guys, you know pretty damn quickly whether she has that potential or not!), then share that. It may sting a little to be vulnerable to share, yet at least she now knows where you stand and can make conscious choices based on the full spectrum of information available.
I had to learn this lesson from a trail of hurt, resentment and anger. Be respectful of hers and your feelings by allowing the space for real and honest decisions to be made.
Side benefit is that the more aligned and honest we get about what we do want, the more likely it is to begin showing up—the universe is kinda funny like that.
Check in with her regularly
This is not to be mistaken with regulating or managing her emotional world or pandering to her every whim and urge.
Checking in is a simple process of finding out where she is, in herself, at any moment and is a great opportunity to practice presence, curiosity and composure. The curiosity piece especially is essential! We have to actually care about her response when we ask “what’s going on?” and then be willing to be with whatever comes next, including potential dissatisfaction.
Check in during a date, check in after an important event for her, check in during bed play, check in in the morning, check in the day after and then be unwaveringly present while she answers. She may, at first, offer a simple “I’m fine” if her experience up until now has been to squash her authentic feelings, yet if we are relentless with our desire to be closer to her and actually know what is going on in her world she may eventually open up. The intimacy that can result from this space of continuously getting in sync and on the same page about what is going on is beautiful, trusting and harmonious.
There we have it, a few things that can be worked on in order to have more lit-up and radiant women in our lives. The cool side effect is, that when practiced consistently, these attributes in my experience have led to a more fulfilling, peaceful, adventurous and joyous life all around.
(Note: This blog comes from things learned in the Authentic Man Program. It is my sincere wish that we get to live in a world where we can all be more fully ourselves and the Authentic Man Program gets my thumbs up as a group genuinely dedicated to that outcome).
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editorial Assistant: Richard May / Editor: Bryonie Wise
Photo: Bog Dan/Pixoto