April 15, 2014

I Didn’t Fall in Love. I Rose in It. ~ Orshi Hajnali


“Don’t ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn’t fall in love, I rose in it.” ~ Toni Morrison


“Falling in love”


“I love you”

—the two most overused phrases when describing relationships.

I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to fall into anything. Because to me, falling is a black hole of co-dependency, of relying on terms and phrases to describe relationships to make us feel secure in them.

Think about those friends who have seemed to drop off the face of the planet once they are in a relationship. Sure, many of us have been there, that infatuation-filled, realistically-not-sustainable phase where you might as well be riding a unicorn through sunflower fields with an ice cream cone in your hand listening to Ray Lamontagne’s “You are the Best Thing.”

Why is our society so big on saying “I love you?”

We say this at the end of phone calls, good-byes and as constant reaffirmations throughout the day. And what does your “I love you” mean?

What if we dropped the labels and focused on feeling? My deepest and most heartfelt moments never included or depended on these words. In fact, it was the silence and present moment connection that said so much more than a few words could ever say.

Let’s redefine “falling in love.”

In the future, I want to rise in love for you. Take my time with you and fully get to know your lightness and darkness which equally fascinates me. I will feel your love as you watch me cook and dance around the kitchen to Indian music. We will feel love as we look into one another’s eyes, experiencing beautiful moments, both of us thinking: “Is this real?”

As I look down, slightly tilting my head to the side, reaching my arms out for you, you’ll know that means: “I know I’m being difficult and I’m sorry.” Words will be unnecessary.

Words will be unnecessary because I would rather fill myself with self-love than superficial countless connections that suck energy away from what I truly desire.

I challenge each of us to clean house, to purge, to get honest with ourselves and identify the relationships that no longer serve us. If we can’t dissolve them on our own, we can ask for guidance from the universe, from our inner guide, whatever we want to call it. The truth is, until we kill these draining connections, the magical ones will not have a chance to bloom.

Here’s a mantra to help:

Please dissolve any current relationships that are not benefiting me and are not aligned with my path. I now let go of the need to control and manipulate and trust in my abilities to attract those who will enrich my life as long as my intentions are clear.

If it doesn’t come to me, I will not force it, because I trust the universe and its love for me, knowing that as long as I am clear about what I want and make space for it in my life, it will come to me. I don’t need you. I want you. I don’t have anything to fill. I don’t need my other half. I am whole.

Need is replaced by a preference for sharing. There is no faster way of evolving spiritually than a deep romantic relationship. Save the ordinary for those who don’t want to be challenged. If I want ordinary, I can have it now, at this second, but I choose the extraordinary sprinkled with madness.

A painful lesson I learned recently was that I will never call it love, unless it sets me free. Unless I feel that I can be my authentic self, imperfectly perfect, raw, beautiful, curious about the world, sometimes impatient, hyper, stubborn, but always willing to grow. My willingness to learn from you will dissolve my dark side that you will reflect back to me, because I will recognize it as an opportunity to shed my ego and break through patterns of the past.

And you will do the same. I will be patient and caring. You will see parts of yourself that are ugly and dark and that you may not have seen in a long time or even knew about.

I will watch your layers evaporating and will rise in love for you as I witness you fully becoming yourself. You’ll watch me fall apart and come together again and again.

In the love I feel, there is no timeline for tying knots, babies to be made, crimes to be partnered in. There are no expectations, no roles to fill and no rescuing to be done.

We will be an ego-kicking, layer-shedding, mirror-reflecting machine, and our connection will be magical. Our love will be infused with awakening and the ability to leave the “person” behind. It will be light, playful and innocent. We will walk beside each other through highs and lows and our connection will be so real that it will surpass all doubt. I’m tired of building imaginary walls. Only love is real.

We will laugh hysterically and cry uncontrollably and the bridge that we build between ourselves will be home, a space of soft emptiness full of possibilities devoid of need and selfishness.


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Apprentice Editor: Pamela Mooman / Editor: Jenna Penielle Lyons

Photos: elephant archives 


Love is Selfish.

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